New Entry; Fretfretfret.
So much has happened, how can I possibly unravel the massive tangle of the past few weeks? My hands are finally doing well enough to write, and I don't even know how to begin.
I think, that since I can't manage to explain it to anyone else, I will start by attempting to explain my folly to myself. I may be the harshest judge, but if I can't convince myself that I'm not a complete idiot then what hope do I have of convincing others?
So. The beginning, such as it is. One of the few herbs that I haven't managed to successfully transplant into pots here is icethorn. It simply isn't cold enough in the flat for it to thrive. Since I can't cultivate it, I have to gather it from time to time; it's a chore that I'm not fond of, but since it's called for in practically every powerful flask and elixir I've learned to brew here in Dalaran... I have little choice, aside from paying other herbalists exorbitant prices.
I don't know what I was thinking. I knew Lynel was still lurking about. I knew he would follow me. In retrospect, I believe I had come to develop a sense of security--he was keeping his distance, and had been for more than a week. It was foolish, but I think I truly believed that he would continue the trend out in the wilderness. It was foolish and stupid, and if I'd had my guard up I... probably would have ended up in just as bad a state. It just would have taken more time. The most I could hope to do, whether I was prepared or not, was distract or disable him enough to run away.
It didn't work. He kept pulling me back. Ether, if a death knight ever uses that ability on me again... I don't know what I'll do. I doubt it will be pleasant.
... Anyway. Lynel found me. He killed my raptor. My damn raptor. It was a good mount--hellfires, it was the best I've had. Intelligent. It helped me pull Carsis up from that damn cliff when we were making our way to Dalaran the first time. How the hell am I going to replace it?
I'm doing a terrible job of defending my position here. I'm still inclined to brand the word "idiot" on my forehead. Ha. Surprised Lynel didn't do that for me when he had the chance.
There's a large gap in my memory after the attack. Carsis tells me I was unconscious for about two days. Lynel... was killed. Again. I hope Carsis isn't still feeling terribly guilty about it, but... I don't ask. Constant reminders won't serve to make that particular scar fade any faster.
Apparently there was quite a large hole in my side. I'm not... certain how it was fixed, entirely, although I am told that there was a bit of time where his hand was actually inside me. I'm don't know how I feel about that. It's certainly not as romantic as it might sound. I am far too good at visualizing what that must have looked like, let alone felt like. I know that I'm glad it was him and not, say, miss Jeria.
Not to say that I'm not grateful for everything she's done for us, but I'm used to the way Carsis gets after incidents like this one. I find it rather endearing. Miss Jeria, on the other hand, was an almost entirely new experience that I'm not quite certain I wish to be on the receiving end of again. Especially if she's going to insist on talking to me like a damn adolescent. Granted, I probably needed to be at that point, but I'm still nearly a century her senior. A little respect is all I ask.
... Although I'm not entirely convinced that it's deserved, after everything that's happened. When Lynel... took over, I couldn't even tell that the man I was having a row with wasn't Carsis. What does that make me? A negligent lover that doesn't deserve him, or merely a gullible fool? Is there that much of a difference? Not that it matters if there isn't. I'm not going anywhere. Not after that. After seeing what that bastard had done to him, how could I possibly?
How could I have ever called a man like that friend? Was I really that stupid? Even now I find myself starting to make excuses for Lynel's behavior, like I always did. Always defending him, no matter what wrong he'd done. I have to stop. There are no excuses, no reasons that could possibly absolve him. He was brutish and vindictive in life and sadistic in death. He doesn't deserve to be remembered as anything kinder than what he was.
Yet his soul was so bright when it was expelled. Was that a sign of the force of Carsis' magic? I hope so. I'm starting to fear that it was something far more sinister. What if Lynel somehow ripped his ability to wield the Light away from him? I have to believe that that's not why he can't cast. He was so upset, I've never seen him so--I just haven't. It can't be permanent.
It can't.
Ether, I'm worried about him. Things seem to be returning to nearly normal, but... I have a strong impression that this is due to Carsis' will that they be so, rather than any real improvement. He's up and doing things from time to time. I think it wears him out more than anything, and I keep having to tell myself to let him do what he thinks will help him get better. Sometimes if you pretend something is true long enough, it becomes true. Perhaps that will be the case here. Either way, arguing about it certainly won't help him.
Right now, all that I can do is be here to lean on if he needs to. That's one thing I'm good for, at least.
I think, that since I can't manage to explain it to anyone else, I will start by attempting to explain my folly to myself. I may be the harshest judge, but if I can't convince myself that I'm not a complete idiot then what hope do I have of convincing others?
So. The beginning, such as it is. One of the few herbs that I haven't managed to successfully transplant into pots here is icethorn. It simply isn't cold enough in the flat for it to thrive. Since I can't cultivate it, I have to gather it from time to time; it's a chore that I'm not fond of, but since it's called for in practically every powerful flask and elixir I've learned to brew here in Dalaran... I have little choice, aside from paying other herbalists exorbitant prices.
I don't know what I was thinking. I knew Lynel was still lurking about. I knew he would follow me. In retrospect, I believe I had come to develop a sense of security--he was keeping his distance, and had been for more than a week. It was foolish, but I think I truly believed that he would continue the trend out in the wilderness. It was foolish and stupid, and if I'd had my guard up I... probably would have ended up in just as bad a state. It just would have taken more time. The most I could hope to do, whether I was prepared or not, was distract or disable him enough to run away.
It didn't work. He kept pulling me back. Ether, if a death knight ever uses that ability on me again... I don't know what I'll do. I doubt it will be pleasant.
... Anyway. Lynel found me. He killed my raptor. My damn raptor. It was a good mount--hellfires, it was the best I've had. Intelligent. It helped me pull Carsis up from that damn cliff when we were making our way to Dalaran the first time. How the hell am I going to replace it?
I'm doing a terrible job of defending my position here. I'm still inclined to brand the word "idiot" on my forehead. Ha. Surprised Lynel didn't do that for me when he had the chance.
There's a large gap in my memory after the attack. Carsis tells me I was unconscious for about two days. Lynel... was killed. Again. I hope Carsis isn't still feeling terribly guilty about it, but... I don't ask. Constant reminders won't serve to make that particular scar fade any faster.
Apparently there was quite a large hole in my side. I'm not... certain how it was fixed, entirely, although I am told that there was a bit of time where his hand was actually inside me. I'm don't know how I feel about that. It's certainly not as romantic as it might sound. I am far too good at visualizing what that must have looked like, let alone felt like. I know that I'm glad it was him and not, say, miss Jeria.
Not to say that I'm not grateful for everything she's done for us, but I'm used to the way Carsis gets after incidents like this one. I find it rather endearing. Miss Jeria, on the other hand, was an almost entirely new experience that I'm not quite certain I wish to be on the receiving end of again. Especially if she's going to insist on talking to me like a damn adolescent. Granted, I probably needed to be at that point, but I'm still nearly a century her senior. A little respect is all I ask.
... Although I'm not entirely convinced that it's deserved, after everything that's happened. When Lynel... took over, I couldn't even tell that the man I was having a row with wasn't Carsis. What does that make me? A negligent lover that doesn't deserve him, or merely a gullible fool? Is there that much of a difference? Not that it matters if there isn't. I'm not going anywhere. Not after that. After seeing what that bastard had done to him, how could I possibly?
How could I have ever called a man like that friend? Was I really that stupid? Even now I find myself starting to make excuses for Lynel's behavior, like I always did. Always defending him, no matter what wrong he'd done. I have to stop. There are no excuses, no reasons that could possibly absolve him. He was brutish and vindictive in life and sadistic in death. He doesn't deserve to be remembered as anything kinder than what he was.
Yet his soul was so bright when it was expelled. Was that a sign of the force of Carsis' magic? I hope so. I'm starting to fear that it was something far more sinister. What if Lynel somehow ripped his ability to wield the Light away from him? I have to believe that that's not why he can't cast. He was so upset, I've never seen him so--I just haven't. It can't be permanent.
It can't.
Ether, I'm worried about him. Things seem to be returning to nearly normal, but... I have a strong impression that this is due to Carsis' will that they be so, rather than any real improvement. He's up and doing things from time to time. I think it wears him out more than anything, and I keep having to tell myself to let him do what he thinks will help him get better. Sometimes if you pretend something is true long enough, it becomes true. Perhaps that will be the case here. Either way, arguing about it certainly won't help him.
Right now, all that I can do is be here to lean on if he needs to. That's one thing I'm good for, at least.