I have felt horribly on-edge, tense, unable to relax, stressed, upset and depressed and angry, very very lonely for the past couple weeks. I was keeping a handle on it at the beginning of the semester. That fandom thing I said happened and did not describe really pushed everything over the edge. I have been bipolar my whole life, so it's not like I haven't felt like this before, but I've never felt like this while having so many responsibilities.
I can't wait to graduate, but in the mean time on Wednesday morning I am going to look into our school's free counseling services. It's not something I want to do, and it's going to be hard for me. But I need someone in real life to talk to besides my one friend who is also my ex that I have feelings for but is looking for someone to date right now.
I am driving, which is something that stresses me out, every day because he is injured, so I take him to school. I am in an internship on top of 15 hours (which includes 2 studio classes so let's be real it's more than that even if I only get credit for 15), and I have never had a job before. I pretty much lost 3 friends, and so did my friend I mentioned above, Kyle. These girls started spending more time together over break and are now inseparable. I was friends with all of them first and introduced them to each other in one of our classes, and I pushed one of the girls, C, who used to be Kyle's best friend (they are from the same small town) even when I wasn't his friend at all (and she was also my best friend), to hang out with one of the girls, B, and I more outside of class because she had social phobia and I wanted them to see how fun she could be.
Kyle and C dated for a number of months, probably about 6 months, and were really growing apart fast. I dated him last semester for a little less than a month, and we asked her if she was okay with that, even though it was her who moved out and then dumped him. She said it was. Anyway, I wonder if she didn't start to resent me then. We started kind of getting iffy on facebook, we all hung out with J and J and C hit it off I guess and lived in the same apartment complex.
I started to feel very...unneeded when the semester started. B now lives with C and they are in the same complex as J, and actually it is also Kyle's complex too. C started turning B, who didn't know Kyle, against Kyle, and then I think she turned J, who was Kyle's friend before she was C's friend, against him. That was really the final thing for me. I feel like I've had to lose 3 of them for my friendship with Kyle, and that's okay with me. I do wish I had other friends to hang out with, though. It takes me a while to make friends. I spent all of last year talking to them in class and getting to know them, and C, as I said, was someone I hung out with practically every day.
But it does help that two of the most important men in my life, Wulff and my Dad, both got weird vibes from C and liked Kyle even when I didn't like him. So things probably turned out for the best. I have no idea if they found internships yet (and they need to have 90 hours by the end of the semester).
Kyle has done more for me as a friend than practically any friend I've had in real life, and I've learned so much from him and he's learned from me too. He's a friend worth losing 3 people over who never, I guess, cared much for me, if this happened so easily. Unfortunate. But I still have him.
I only started driving this summer, and I had SO MUCH anxiety starting that, and I am at least able to keep pretty calm, but I'm still kind of dumb on the road, but I try. I like it when Kyle's in the car, he's awesome with directions and helps point things out that I might miss if he wasn't there.
And driving will always be stressful. I'm "the driver" in my group of roommates... it always stresses me out. I have to watch out for my own life as WELL as theirs.
Oh man, I'm so sorry to hear that. Unnecessary friend drama is always way more stressful than it should be. It sounds like they have personal issues though, because from what you described, the only way they could really derive that kind of attitude is through their own festering rumors.
Internships are bitch jobs. They suck. I've been hunting around for one myself, and just reading the descriptions got me depressed. I think talking to a counselor could be a good thing. Us internet people are great to unload on, but sometimes you just need a real face to talk to. I had to do the same thing in high school. It helped me sort a lot of things out, so I'm sure it'd do the same for you.
As far as the friend situation goes, it's really hard to know what to do. You can't change people... and if they're going to be difficult, it almost isn't worth your energy. If anything, just act kindly towards them. Usually that causes people to turn inwards instead of projecting their hatred onto you.
If you ever spot me on AIM, feel free to chat. Or you can send me messages any time. Hell, hit me up on facebook. :) The important thing is that you keep on pushing. Eyes on the prize! I wish I could remember this quote that always gets me through shit like this... something about how the troubles in life give us our strengths... I dunno. Ahem. <3
Luckily, I don't miss them as people all that much, but I do miss having more friends than just Kyle. He's very special to me, but it's always nice to have more friends. I'm not terribly social on a good semester when I have time and good emotional control, but at this point I'm only worrying about this semester alone. I may take a break after this semester or start a really light grad school semester in the fall.
Also...I've really enjoyed both my internships (wasn't gonna get enough hours with just the one) so far. I wouldn't be scared if I were you. I am enjoying myself.
I have plenty of quotes and shit. I make little motivational posters and stick them EVERYWHERE, which, I actually am almost out of tape. I even have some wallet-sized versions of some in my wallet.
I can't wait to graduate, but in the mean time on Wednesday morning I am going to look into our school's free counseling services. It's not something I want to do, and it's going to be hard for me. But I need someone in real life to talk to besides my one friend who is also my ex that I have feelings for but is looking for someone to date right now.
I am driving, which is something that stresses me out, every day because he is injured, so I take him to school. I am in an internship on top of 15 hours (which includes 2 studio classes so let's be real it's more than that even if I only get credit for 15), and I have never had a job before. I pretty much lost 3 friends, and so did my friend I mentioned above, Kyle. These girls started spending more time together over break and are now inseparable. I was friends with all of them first and introduced them to each other in one of our classes, and I pushed one of the girls, C, who used to be Kyle's best friend (they are from the same small town) even when I wasn't his friend at all (and she was also my best friend), to hang out with one of the girls, B, and I more outside of class because she had social phobia and I wanted them to see how fun she could be.
Kyle and C dated for a number of months, probably about 6 months, and were really growing apart fast. I dated him last semester for a little less than a month, and we asked her if she was okay with that, even though it was her who moved out and then dumped him. She said it was. Anyway, I wonder if she didn't start to resent me then. We started kind of getting iffy on facebook, we all hung out with J and J and C hit it off I guess and lived in the same apartment complex.
I started to feel very...unneeded when the semester started. B now lives with C and they are in the same complex as J, and actually it is also Kyle's complex too. C started turning B, who didn't know Kyle, against Kyle, and then I think she turned J, who was Kyle's friend before she was C's friend, against him. That was really the final thing for me. I feel like I've had to lose 3 of them for my friendship with Kyle, and that's okay with me. I do wish I had other friends to hang out with, though. It takes me a while to make friends. I spent all of last year talking to them in class and getting to know them, and C, as I said, was someone I hung out with practically every day.
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Kyle has done more for me as a friend than practically any friend I've had in real life, and I've learned so much from him and he's learned from me too. He's a friend worth losing 3 people over who never, I guess, cared much for me, if this happened so easily. Unfortunate. But I still have him.
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I'm "the driver" in my group of roommates... it always stresses me out.
I have to watch out for my own life as WELL as theirs.
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Internships are bitch jobs. They suck. I've been hunting around for one myself, and just reading the descriptions got me depressed.
I think talking to a counselor could be a good thing. Us internet people are great to unload on, but sometimes you just need a real face to talk to. I had to do the same thing in high school. It helped me sort a lot of things out, so I'm sure it'd do the same for you.
As far as the friend situation goes, it's really hard to know what to do. You can't change people... and if they're going to be difficult, it almost isn't worth your energy.
If anything, just act kindly towards them. Usually that causes people to turn inwards instead of projecting their hatred onto you.
If you ever spot me on AIM, feel free to chat. Or you can send me messages any time. Hell, hit me up on facebook. :)
The important thing is that you keep on pushing. Eyes on the prize! I wish I could remember this quote that always gets me through shit like this... something about how the troubles in life give us our strengths... I dunno.
Ahem. <3
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