NEED TO GET THIS OFF MY CHEST!!!
Ok I know that my girlfriend know's my journal and reads it but I need to get this off my chest before I burst and it causes more damage! Before I met my gf I never seriously dated anyone that smoked and NEVER dated anyone that did drugs. Before I met her I knew that she smoked cig's and deep down I knew it bothered me, but I wasn't planning on falling in love with her. From the VERY first day she has been nothing but honest with me and I respect that, but now she just throw's that in my face when I bring these things up. My mom smokes so I grew up around smokers, but I am not one myself. All my friend's smoke as well and I have always been the one who didn't smoke, but like I said I never dated a smoker. One of my ex's was a smoker, but we only lasted a couple months so it didn't really affect me back then. At first I wasn't use to it espically the kissing and everything. I am very anti-smoking and at time's it really comes between us, I hate the fact that it's bad for your health, the way it smells, and how much it costs. I know its very hard for people to quit smoking, but why the fuck do they start out in the first place? To be cool?? Well, now they are in their late 20's being cool is not important anymore and their money and health is. I wouldn't be as upset if I saw her giving a little effort to quit, she has been saying she wanted to quit since July and it hasnt' happened yet! It kills me every time she buys another pack of cig's another 5.00 or so down the drain on something that is killing her and me even more. I should just smoke because its more healthy then not smoking being around it 24/7. She smokes with the window open but that does SHIT it just makes the room cold, me cold and MIckey cold. I tried to make her smoke downstairs hoping that would help her quit as its like 20 degree's here, but stupid me should have NEVER let her smoke in the room in the first place because who I am now to make her stop when she has been doing it for 7 months? She said she'd just go live at her mom's where she could smoke in her room, well if smoking is so important to her that she rather live at her mom's to smoke in her room then that is just fucked up! At times it really feels as though she put's her smoking before me and if she couldn't smoke then she'd leave me. Ontop of the smoking cig thing is the whole weed thing... this bothers me more because of the cost, it's illegal and its just wrong! I know alot of people out there smoke weed, but they are quiet about it. I wouldn't care if she didn't smoke like it was going out of style, I can understand every now and then but not like 10 times a day. She also always needs some if she doesn't have it, its like her life is revolved around weed and cigs. She would say that she was upfront with me from the beginning and I understand that, but like I said I wasnt' planning on falling in love with her. I have to pretend these thigns don't bother me and go on my merry way, but they this has been eating me inside and out and I try to talk to her about it but I just can't. She just says that I don't understand... Ya ok I do understand its just that I don't aprove of it and its not normal! I just had to vent this out tonight because it's been eating away at me inside and if I didn't get it out I think I would've just exploded or something... I love my girlfriend to death and I could NEVEr live without her its just these two things really bother me. I could never leave her over these things, but I just wish that she would understand and take my feelings into consdeiration as well. Sometimes I feel like this is a one sided issue when it isn't! We talk and discuss everything but when it comes to this topic I have to keep quiet and pretend that nothing is wrong. *sigh*