My m.o.m & I can't s.l.e.e.p

[herartistheart]

Tonight was a step into the past with my mom... she really gave me major flashbacks and I couldn't say or do anything it was like I was frozen to my chair! She started in because she kept saying that no one cares about her and when is someone going to comfort her and ask her if she is ok? My dad called and pissed her off again today, they are seperated and he is a prick! He just says whatever comes to his mind and lashs out on my mom. My dad is obsessed with money and my mom is really in debt, she got two credit cards in his name a while back and he found out. That was the end of that. I mean ya she has a really crappy life and hates everything, but she allows my father to walk all over her and treat her like crap. I tell her over and over again to just ignore him and hang up or not pick up the phone when he calls but she doesn't listen. It's like she is so use to the verbal abuse then thats all she knows. She hasn't yelled at me like that in god know's how long and wow it was so painful and so embarassing. She was screaming at my girlfriend as well who has been there for her throw think and thin!!! I don't know what to say to my mom as I am not fond of my father at all, and what I say doesn't matter any way she never listens to me. GRRR Its so fustrating because she has no one but my gf and I and it's alot on the both of us. I have enough of my own problems!! She then comes up to our room about 30 mins later saying how sorry she is and that she didn't mean to take it out on us... Just like she did when I was younger. Sometimes sorry just isn't enough espically when you verbally abuse them so badly and insult them and make them cry. Yes people make mistakes, I would've given her slack if she didn't treat me liket hat my whole childhood! But, sometimes you have to just learn how to deal with things in a more mature manner and not lash out on the person that is always around you. I try to do that with my girlfriend but sometiems it's hard because you are so close with them. My mom really needs to learn how to calm down and not act like a 13-year-old!

FOr the last two nights I can't sleep and I have taken sleep meds. I've tried every one over the counter and perscribed and nothing works for me. I am scared sometimes because its like my body won't let me sleep! I just lay there tossing and turning trying to get comfortable and I just can't. I'm either to hot or cold, not enough room or just can't shut up my mind. I took a bath tonight and a hot shower hpping that might help. I have class tomorrow at 2 so I can't sleep all day like I do every other day of my boring pathetic life. I swear my life is so meaningless and I am sick of everyone jumping down my back abotu everything little thing. No one is perfect and I am far from it! I am planning on going back to dancing in January and taking more then one class at school this two class thing just isn't me espically since i'm not working! *sigh* I am hoping tonight I can sleep... after this thing with my mom it was just the icing on the cake. I have to be up by 12:30 tomorrow and its 1am here already :( I'm tired but I'm not.. I just don't know anymore. I wish i was "normal" with a normal sleep cycle, life steady job, not in debt, not psycho of parents not a homophobic sister and brother-in-law... I also haven't had my period in the last three months which doesnt help. I stopped my birht control pill via my med doc and I lost a ton of weight, so if I can't find one that doesn't make me gain weight and cause depression then no period it is. I'm sure my body will give in sooner or later and let me bleed! its not like I miss it but its really fucking up my harmones and everything... I wanted to try and vent in here to see if that helps some for tonight as well. I am behind on my school work kind of and only have a few weeks left! Its scary! then I'll have a month off till the Spring semester but I'll be back to dance in between thankfully. Well... I guess that's about all for now