The 5 main men in my past.
Well...I'm finally changing my name next month. It's made me reflect on all the people in my life, all the relationships I've had. I even went looking around on the internet for my exes, oddly enough, to see how they've been doing.
N is married now. He's so happy, and he actually talked to me at con, which made me ecstatically happy. The most I ever wanted from him was just...just to be friends. He was a good friend, and...we never really said the 3 words, or made any promises, and I have good memories of it. And I'm really fantastically pleased that he's happy now with his wife, who I think is a real sweetheart, though I think she's a little leery of me, since she doesn't talk to me much. I do miss him as a friend. He was the first to introduce me to gaming, bless his heart. haha!
J is still an ass. I'm friends with Grace again, which is an amazing thing I still am in fantastic awe of. We worked on sewing her dress last night that she's going to wear to stand for me at my wedding, which makes me happy. But he effed her over good, and is still the same lying, cheating, sack of shit I knew 4 years ago. I wish he'd stop lying. He has everything going for him, but just doesn't seem to want to succeed at anything. I do miss his stories.
J2 has turned, if anything, more introverted. It's almost depressing. He treated me like an absolute queen, and he was a good man. It was simply his obsessive desire to use me for his sole source of human contact and entertainment. It wasn't his fault, my cute little Crow baby. I couldn't handle something like that. It was me. Really, it was me. But I do wish him the best, and wish he would come out of his room sometime.
J3 is now married to our girlfriend. How depressing. Still the pompous arse he was 3 years ago. Oh well. He's rather like J the first. Hm. But tells better stories. Just tends to get really emo on alcohol. I wish him the best, and my best wish for him is to grow up a little more, even though he's older than me. Our gf needs to do the same, even though I know they think they're more mature and maybe they'll think I'm out of place to think that. Good luck.
W. What do I say about W? I went and read his blogs. Apparently he has now assigned blame somewhere else, again. *sigh* I suppose, since our lives no longer touch, that he needs to say the things he does so that he can move on. I still refuse to renig my accusations, though. He did more than grab me. He left bruises. But...you know what? He was going through a time in his life that I...wow, I hate saying this...that I couldn't handle. No one could. The hate and the anger was taken out on me. What I had to do...God, I wish some days I hadn't have had to do. I miss L more than you can possibly imagine. But nothing was the same since we lost M. I had a dream about W lately. That we met on the street and I embraced him, and asked him how he was doing. When I woke up, I understood something. That one day, some day in the future, we'll meet up again in some ungodly random situation, and I will have forgiven him. I didn't think that was in me, but it's there. There was a reason I was completely in love with him for the longest time. He was wonderful then. I'm just sorry his mental breakdown had to happen with me. He has a new girl now, in Alaska. They seem...happy, I suppose, but I can't help but wonder how that's going to go, if he's really healed. Or why B still talks to him after she accuses him of rape...that's a little bit beyond me, but ok. I wish you the best, baby. We just couldn't make it, but I hope someone wonderful does.
Sometimes I look back and try to remember these people, and why I loved them in the beginning. I refuse to insult myself and say 'well, they were always bad news'. They weren't. There was something beautiful about all of them, or I wouldn't have spent part of my life caring about them. And I still see the beauty in all of them. I sure wish them the best. M is the greatest thing that ever happened to me in my entire life, and I wish that each of these people find their greatest thing. I find myself wanting them to just be happy where they are and where they are going. I can't be angry anymore. My life is M. My past is my past. And those that either hold or once held part of my heart...I just love that part of them that made parts of my past either very good or...learning experiences.
I miss you. All of you. I hope you're happy. And my remembered love goes with you...whether you know it or not.
N is married now. He's so happy, and he actually talked to me at con, which made me ecstatically happy. The most I ever wanted from him was just...just to be friends. He was a good friend, and...we never really said the 3 words, or made any promises, and I have good memories of it. And I'm really fantastically pleased that he's happy now with his wife, who I think is a real sweetheart, though I think she's a little leery of me, since she doesn't talk to me much. I do miss him as a friend. He was the first to introduce me to gaming, bless his heart. haha!
J is still an ass. I'm friends with Grace again, which is an amazing thing I still am in fantastic awe of. We worked on sewing her dress last night that she's going to wear to stand for me at my wedding, which makes me happy. But he effed her over good, and is still the same lying, cheating, sack of shit I knew 4 years ago. I wish he'd stop lying. He has everything going for him, but just doesn't seem to want to succeed at anything. I do miss his stories.
J2 has turned, if anything, more introverted. It's almost depressing. He treated me like an absolute queen, and he was a good man. It was simply his obsessive desire to use me for his sole source of human contact and entertainment. It wasn't his fault, my cute little Crow baby. I couldn't handle something like that. It was me. Really, it was me. But I do wish him the best, and wish he would come out of his room sometime.
J3 is now married to our girlfriend. How depressing. Still the pompous arse he was 3 years ago. Oh well. He's rather like J the first. Hm. But tells better stories. Just tends to get really emo on alcohol. I wish him the best, and my best wish for him is to grow up a little more, even though he's older than me. Our gf needs to do the same, even though I know they think they're more mature and maybe they'll think I'm out of place to think that. Good luck.
W. What do I say about W? I went and read his blogs. Apparently he has now assigned blame somewhere else, again. *sigh* I suppose, since our lives no longer touch, that he needs to say the things he does so that he can move on. I still refuse to renig my accusations, though. He did more than grab me. He left bruises. But...you know what? He was going through a time in his life that I...wow, I hate saying this...that I couldn't handle. No one could. The hate and the anger was taken out on me. What I had to do...God, I wish some days I hadn't have had to do. I miss L more than you can possibly imagine. But nothing was the same since we lost M. I had a dream about W lately. That we met on the street and I embraced him, and asked him how he was doing. When I woke up, I understood something. That one day, some day in the future, we'll meet up again in some ungodly random situation, and I will have forgiven him. I didn't think that was in me, but it's there. There was a reason I was completely in love with him for the longest time. He was wonderful then. I'm just sorry his mental breakdown had to happen with me. He has a new girl now, in Alaska. They seem...happy, I suppose, but I can't help but wonder how that's going to go, if he's really healed. Or why B still talks to him after she accuses him of rape...that's a little bit beyond me, but ok. I wish you the best, baby. We just couldn't make it, but I hope someone wonderful does.
Sometimes I look back and try to remember these people, and why I loved them in the beginning. I refuse to insult myself and say 'well, they were always bad news'. They weren't. There was something beautiful about all of them, or I wouldn't have spent part of my life caring about them. And I still see the beauty in all of them. I sure wish them the best. M is the greatest thing that ever happened to me in my entire life, and I wish that each of these people find their greatest thing. I find myself wanting them to just be happy where they are and where they are going. I can't be angry anymore. My life is M. My past is my past. And those that either hold or once held part of my heart...I just love that part of them that made parts of my past either very good or...learning experiences.
I miss you. All of you. I hope you're happy. And my remembered love goes with you...whether you know it or not.