(no subject)
I'm back.
In the approximately ten months that I have been gone, I have become an utter mediocrity. I don't exactly recall when I realised this, but it was a few months back and I was outside. I had been holding out some hope for redemption until then, but lately I've been drifting along wishing I was dead.
In the time I have been gone:
I have continued to work a retail job, though I have been promoted to an assistant manager for my store. I make nine dollars per hour doing this job. This is less than our most junior associate. My main responsibilities are nagging the associates to clean up after themselves, filling out paperwork and controlling my temper while being screamed at by irate customers. I am severely underemployed.
I have not worked on my novel(s) (I have an idea for a second one now). I have not worked on the roleplaying game idea I have. I was a carpenter without pay for a production of Rebel Without a Cause, which I did not see, and have never seen. I have written a few campaign settings for personal use in games of Dungeons and Dragons as ersatz productive behaviour.
I felt up a girl I knew through work and was utterly bored by it and never spoke to her again afterwards. I chased some other girls and nothing came of most of it. I've come to the conclusion that I'm incapable of ordinary human love any more (if I ever was). I am also incapable of ordinary human sexual relations.
I am backsliding morally, and I keep on trying, and failing, to resist this process.
I did do some productive intellectual work with M. Tommasi while he was around, but since he left for grad school I've mostly been drifting intellectually, reading novels and other fiction instead of philosophy and history.
My best friend's girlfriend started hating my guts and tried to poison our relationship. She eventually left him to go and become a theoretical lesbian.
I've been feeling depressed lately. I'm finding that my cycles are getting worse - longer and with more anhedonia. I have not taken my pills in over a year now. My phobia of crowds causes panic attacks whenever I'm in a crowd now, though I've become better at controlling my behaviour in these fear states.
In conclusion:
I am back. 2007 was the worst year of my life. I don't know how 2008 will go. Life is garbage.
In the approximately ten months that I have been gone, I have become an utter mediocrity. I don't exactly recall when I realised this, but it was a few months back and I was outside. I had been holding out some hope for redemption until then, but lately I've been drifting along wishing I was dead.
In the time I have been gone:
I have continued to work a retail job, though I have been promoted to an assistant manager for my store. I make nine dollars per hour doing this job. This is less than our most junior associate. My main responsibilities are nagging the associates to clean up after themselves, filling out paperwork and controlling my temper while being screamed at by irate customers. I am severely underemployed.
I have not worked on my novel(s) (I have an idea for a second one now). I have not worked on the roleplaying game idea I have. I was a carpenter without pay for a production of Rebel Without a Cause, which I did not see, and have never seen. I have written a few campaign settings for personal use in games of Dungeons and Dragons as ersatz productive behaviour.
I felt up a girl I knew through work and was utterly bored by it and never spoke to her again afterwards. I chased some other girls and nothing came of most of it. I've come to the conclusion that I'm incapable of ordinary human love any more (if I ever was). I am also incapable of ordinary human sexual relations.
I am backsliding morally, and I keep on trying, and failing, to resist this process.
I did do some productive intellectual work with M. Tommasi while he was around, but since he left for grad school I've mostly been drifting intellectually, reading novels and other fiction instead of philosophy and history.
My best friend's girlfriend started hating my guts and tried to poison our relationship. She eventually left him to go and become a theoretical lesbian.
I've been feeling depressed lately. I'm finding that my cycles are getting worse - longer and with more anhedonia. I have not taken my pills in over a year now. My phobia of crowds causes panic attacks whenever I'm in a crowd now, though I've become better at controlling my behaviour in these fear states.
In conclusion:
I am back. 2007 was the worst year of my life. I don't know how 2008 will go. Life is garbage.