(no subject)
I am no longer in love. It started two weeks ago, and the process of falling out of love is pretty much finished at this point. It was prompted when a friend informed me that the girl in question had made a comparison between me and a fictional character. The comparison wasn't insulting (though I will admit it's to a character I don't like, but am often compared to), it just struck me that anyone who would compare me to that character didn't really know me all that well.
And that was it. To be in love, you've got to imagine that the other understands you in a way no one else can, or at the very least, that the possibility of such an understanding exists. Once it's been revealed that no such understanding exists, and it almost certainly never will, there can't be any love.
I've talked with a couple of friends about it, and they basically break down into two kinds of responses. The people who haven't met the girl in question insist that she knows I was in love with her, and that she has chosen never to let on for one reason or another (they each provide a reason in line with their personal views on human motivation). The people who do know her take it as an accepted fact that she doesn't know about it. I tend to favour the latter opinion.
This is actually a good thing. It means that now that I am out of love with her, there are no consequences or problems that will come up. She did not know that I was in love with her, and now that I am no longer in love with her, there is no reason for it to ever come up. I am free.
I am doing a good job avoiding bitterness. It's true, I am not as charitable towards her character as I was when I was in love, but neither do I abhor her. I am capable of seeing her flaws as well as her good points, and of forming a critical but fair evaluation of her character. I understand her more now than I ever did when I was in love with her.
I avoid bitterness by taking personal responsibility for the failure of my desire to attain its object. It's not that women are all bitches who can't love me, etc., etc. woe, woe, woe is me and all that crap. There are basically two reasons that I am unsuccessful with women, even women I love.
The first is simply that women are concerned that I do not respect them. This is actually a more general problem, in that most everyone I know is concerned that I do not respect them. This is the case even when I do respect them, even when I love them. I am not good at showing my respect in a conventional manner (I am also not good at demonstrating that I sympathise with a person, even when I do - the two are related problems). Actually, I am not sure how one shows respect ordinarily.
This pretty obviously causes women not to want to pursue relationships with me, or to fall in love with me (it is an open question whether anyone has ever loved me). I have resolved to change this, but I do not yet actually have a plan to do so. There are several problems that must be thought through prior to a plan being developed. The first is whether or not my virtues are capable of being arranged so as to accomodate conventional methods of demonstrating respect (presumably through an arrangement that amplified them somehow), or whether doing so would mutilate my character. The second is whether my character is valuable enough as is to warrant saving from such a mutilation, or whether some amputation and prosthesis is necessary for moral health. The third is what kind of arrangement would resolve the problem, whatever methods are required to attain that arrangement. Only after these are adequately thought can I begin to think about what steps I can take to achieve them.
The second reason that I am unsuccessful with women is that I often display too much vice and not enough virtue. Not merely through the things I say, but the way I act. I present myself as too lecherous, too rash, too cruel. I certainly am these things (I try sometimes not to be), but they are not the primary colours of my character from which all my other traits must be obtained. I must more carefully control my expressions of vice, even when they are expressed in an unserious manner.
I think if these two things are done, I will be more successful in love. I think I would like to be more successful in love. Therefore, I resolve to do them to the best of my ability.
And that was it. To be in love, you've got to imagine that the other understands you in a way no one else can, or at the very least, that the possibility of such an understanding exists. Once it's been revealed that no such understanding exists, and it almost certainly never will, there can't be any love.
I've talked with a couple of friends about it, and they basically break down into two kinds of responses. The people who haven't met the girl in question insist that she knows I was in love with her, and that she has chosen never to let on for one reason or another (they each provide a reason in line with their personal views on human motivation). The people who do know her take it as an accepted fact that she doesn't know about it. I tend to favour the latter opinion.
This is actually a good thing. It means that now that I am out of love with her, there are no consequences or problems that will come up. She did not know that I was in love with her, and now that I am no longer in love with her, there is no reason for it to ever come up. I am free.
I am doing a good job avoiding bitterness. It's true, I am not as charitable towards her character as I was when I was in love, but neither do I abhor her. I am capable of seeing her flaws as well as her good points, and of forming a critical but fair evaluation of her character. I understand her more now than I ever did when I was in love with her.
I avoid bitterness by taking personal responsibility for the failure of my desire to attain its object. It's not that women are all bitches who can't love me, etc., etc. woe, woe, woe is me and all that crap. There are basically two reasons that I am unsuccessful with women, even women I love.
The first is simply that women are concerned that I do not respect them. This is actually a more general problem, in that most everyone I know is concerned that I do not respect them. This is the case even when I do respect them, even when I love them. I am not good at showing my respect in a conventional manner (I am also not good at demonstrating that I sympathise with a person, even when I do - the two are related problems). Actually, I am not sure how one shows respect ordinarily.
This pretty obviously causes women not to want to pursue relationships with me, or to fall in love with me (it is an open question whether anyone has ever loved me). I have resolved to change this, but I do not yet actually have a plan to do so. There are several problems that must be thought through prior to a plan being developed. The first is whether or not my virtues are capable of being arranged so as to accomodate conventional methods of demonstrating respect (presumably through an arrangement that amplified them somehow), or whether doing so would mutilate my character. The second is whether my character is valuable enough as is to warrant saving from such a mutilation, or whether some amputation and prosthesis is necessary for moral health. The third is what kind of arrangement would resolve the problem, whatever methods are required to attain that arrangement. Only after these are adequately thought can I begin to think about what steps I can take to achieve them.
The second reason that I am unsuccessful with women is that I often display too much vice and not enough virtue. Not merely through the things I say, but the way I act. I present myself as too lecherous, too rash, too cruel. I certainly am these things (I try sometimes not to be), but they are not the primary colours of my character from which all my other traits must be obtained. I must more carefully control my expressions of vice, even when they are expressed in an unserious manner.
I think if these two things are done, I will be more successful in love. I think I would like to be more successful in love. Therefore, I resolve to do them to the best of my ability.