Its been a while
So I havent had a Livejournal for a long time. I guess because I wasnt ready for the world to know my feelings. But fuck it, life is great. This is me, take it or leave it... I have nothing to hide. Even after everything I have been through.... all the pain the people whom I once loved caused me, I am happy. I have overcome so much. Been through hell.... there were times when I thought it would never end, but here I am. Breathing. Living. Smiling. Taking the steps that are necessary for me to better my life... and acheive the goals that I have set for myself.
The life that I lived at my fathers house, is just utterly unfathomable to me. I dont understand how I could have been so untrue tomyself. I wont lie, sometimes it is hard not to dwell on it. But when it all comes down to it, I know that the only way for me to go on and be okay... is not to dwell. I need to put it behind me and look at it as a learning experience. Which it was. I learned so incredibly much about myself in that 1 yr than I have my entire life. So I guess it wasnt as much of an unproductive year as I thought it was. I mean, part of me feels almost like my life was on hold for an entire year. On pause. stood still. Due to the fact that I was constantly high. Crazy. I was always so against drugs. I mean, it was the reason my family fell apart. I dont know what caused me to succumb to it. Maybe I wanted to be closer to my father, and for some fucked up reason I thought that would do it. Well actually, it did the opposite. But it wasnt only my father from whom I pulled away.... worst of all, it was me too. I forgot who I was. I forgot how to feel. I forgotmy dreams and ambitions. Its just so crazy to me how I could have allowed that to go one for so long. How did I live like that? I am not the type of person to live a shallow life... I NEED to feel. Its just who I am. My emotions run so deep and with such intensity that I dont know how it was even possible for me to ignore it all.
Marijuana is a strong drug. Its not physically addictive, but emotionally it is DEATHLY addictive... Once you let it take a hold of you.... prying yourself out of its grasp is incredibly difficult. There were so many times where I tried to run away from it all, but just couldnt. I would get into my car and drive away, but always end up turning around and going back. why? what held me there... to my fathers. Will I ever figure that out?
My precious baby brother. God do I miss him. I hope he figures out that Maine isnt where he is supposed to be. I hope and pray to god that he doesnt get stuck in that lifestyle like every other family member on my father's side has. Its such a sad thing. I feel so helpless. I wish I could show them all that there is another way... your life does not have to be all about forgeting it all. smoking it away, drinking it away. Its okay to feel, Your supposed to feel. That is why God gave you a heart. Its okay to cry, Its ok to smile. I want to just shake the shitout of them until they realize it. But I know there is nothing I can do, so I shouldnt dwell on it. dwelling = bad.
But on a happier note... I am home. I am with the people who love me and arent afraid to show it. I was strong enough to leave it all behind me. I finally did it. All those times when I thought I was stuck in that life forever... its all over. I left. It feels so damn good. So liberating. Amazing.
You Live... You Learn. I have never heard such a more true statement that that.
Today I went down to the college and started the process of enrolling for the spirng semester. I am so exicted to be going back to school. It is something I need to do. I will be double majoring in Early Childhood Ed and Social work. So that way I will be able to help children who come from troubled homes... I will be able to make a difference in this world, one child at a time. :)
The life that I lived at my fathers house, is just utterly unfathomable to me. I dont understand how I could have been so untrue tomyself. I wont lie, sometimes it is hard not to dwell on it. But when it all comes down to it, I know that the only way for me to go on and be okay... is not to dwell. I need to put it behind me and look at it as a learning experience. Which it was. I learned so incredibly much about myself in that 1 yr than I have my entire life. So I guess it wasnt as much of an unproductive year as I thought it was. I mean, part of me feels almost like my life was on hold for an entire year. On pause. stood still. Due to the fact that I was constantly high. Crazy. I was always so against drugs. I mean, it was the reason my family fell apart. I dont know what caused me to succumb to it. Maybe I wanted to be closer to my father, and for some fucked up reason I thought that would do it. Well actually, it did the opposite. But it wasnt only my father from whom I pulled away.... worst of all, it was me too. I forgot who I was. I forgot how to feel. I forgotmy dreams and ambitions. Its just so crazy to me how I could have allowed that to go one for so long. How did I live like that? I am not the type of person to live a shallow life... I NEED to feel. Its just who I am. My emotions run so deep and with such intensity that I dont know how it was even possible for me to ignore it all.
Marijuana is a strong drug. Its not physically addictive, but emotionally it is DEATHLY addictive... Once you let it take a hold of you.... prying yourself out of its grasp is incredibly difficult. There were so many times where I tried to run away from it all, but just couldnt. I would get into my car and drive away, but always end up turning around and going back. why? what held me there... to my fathers. Will I ever figure that out?
My precious baby brother. God do I miss him. I hope he figures out that Maine isnt where he is supposed to be. I hope and pray to god that he doesnt get stuck in that lifestyle like every other family member on my father's side has. Its such a sad thing. I feel so helpless. I wish I could show them all that there is another way... your life does not have to be all about forgeting it all. smoking it away, drinking it away. Its okay to feel, Your supposed to feel. That is why God gave you a heart. Its okay to cry, Its ok to smile. I want to just shake the shitout of them until they realize it. But I know there is nothing I can do, so I shouldnt dwell on it. dwelling = bad.
But on a happier note... I am home. I am with the people who love me and arent afraid to show it. I was strong enough to leave it all behind me. I finally did it. All those times when I thought I was stuck in that life forever... its all over. I left. It feels so damn good. So liberating. Amazing.
You Live... You Learn. I have never heard such a more true statement that that.
Today I went down to the college and started the process of enrolling for the spirng semester. I am so exicted to be going back to school. It is something I need to do. I will be double majoring in Early Childhood Ed and Social work. So that way I will be able to help children who come from troubled homes... I will be able to make a difference in this world, one child at a time. :)