written july 22, 2005
I sort of have been feeling like I’ve been ignoring you Mom. As if we are just friends and you did something to make me mad/sad so I’m avoiding you, avoiding the hurt. I know in my heart that you didn’t do this, that you didn’t want things to be this way- still it doesn’t make me any happier, it doesn’t make my heart any lighter. You left, and that’s all that matters. You are NOT here any more, and regardless of how it happened, it happened. I am angry, hurt, sad, mad and more, and I want the entire world to know it, I want everyone to know that I am hurting. No one really knows the extent of it.
I’m sitting here listening to a Celine song that reminds me of you so much. I remember in boot camp when Jezelle always played a song for the girls when they were leaving and my song was because you loved me. She told me that it was my song because it was a dedication to my mama, that we finally came together and that she was so proud of me for making things right with you. “You were my voice when I couldn’t speak, you were my eyes when I couldn’t see, you saw the best there was in me.” You really were.
I’m sitting here listening to a Celine song that reminds me of you so much. I remember in boot camp when Jezelle always played a song for the girls when they were leaving and my song was because you loved me. She told me that it was my song because it was a dedication to my mama, that we finally came together and that she was so proud of me for making things right with you. “You were my voice when I couldn’t speak, you were my eyes when I couldn’t see, you saw the best there was in me.” You really were.