I wrote you a huge long reply and then lost it. So I can't recreate it as well as I meant, but here goes...
You lost something that comes once in life and in only one form and one role. You lost something you can't get back or replace. And you know that. Maybe others don't. Whether they lost it too already or lost something else or haven't lost...
Your grief is your own. And you should "deal" and be however you want to or however you respond at any given moment.
But at least all of what you wrote.. you once had. Because you know what you lost. You treasured it and you wanted more and weren't ready to let go of it. And you shouldn't have had to. I'm sorry for that. I'm sorry for your pain and your loss. I wouldn't ever tell you it's going to get easier. I can't say that. I don't know how long it's been now for you, I'm sorry for not knowing. It's only 9 months for me and I haven't gotten anywhere with it. I haven't even remembered it's reality. I haven't even attempted to "deal" and I hate that term now more than anything. I'd rather just not deal and pretend.
I guess things just change and are different and you learn a new life and a new way. It doesn't mean it's a nice lesson. Or that anything is easy it's just different.
I'm 27 and not married. And the one person I was closest to marrying is no longer in my life and he left my life right when my mom died and as she was dying she thought that was best for me to be done with him. So it means I start over with someone new and he won't know about my mom except in words or pictures. And it means my mom won't have known him or have known I was ok and moved on. I wish at least she'd have known the guy. And it means that all the things that finally my mom and I would have in common to relate to like marriage and motherhoood... we won't have. I won't ever get to talk about those things with her and I was stupid to not before b/c the time hadn't come yet. So why bother?
I just think that those events will be so sad for me. So lonely. No matter what else is around me to supposedly make it happy. So how can someone tell me or you that it gets easier? I don't see it either. I just see it changing with time and with the ebb and flow of life.
Your mom loved you. Carry that with you always. And you loved her. And I know she knew it. I can't bring you any reconciliation or calm your pain. But I can say.. all that she gave you is in you and if you decide to be a mother you will give all of that and pass it on and give to your children a mother of great admirable strength and love.
THANK YOU for putting so much into that comment and helping me. yes helping me because I just realized so much from reading that and I am so thankful that I created this journal and found people like you, people that understand because I have never felt more alone in my life than I have the past 2 years since her death. I really really do wish you all the best and I neglect this journal but am starting to try more, I will write more about this entry later but I just needed to tell you thank you and that I appreciate it so much ♥
Hi. There's no need to thank me. Thank yourself. I mean it's really good that you write this out no matter how often that is. I don't write about it much at all and I just sorta move on with life like all is fine and then random things upset me. I just avoid it all.
I don't want to read that you feel alone and yet I totally get that you do. And I feel that way sometimes more so around others or other family members than I do just being by myself.
Death is sad. Life is sad. I'm really scared of dying. But death is more sad when it comes early and so I guess that has to teach us to appreciate life so much more than we do.
But in missing your mom so much I just feel like that really teaches you to appreciate what you do have and what you did have. I feel like you appreciate your mom so much more than a lot of others did. Including myself. My mom and I had a lot of problems. I still never wanted her to die so young and so early in life. But I feel like this has got to teach me that if I choose to be a mother I have to love that child like everyday is that only chance and I can't get worked up over random silly nonsense so much.
And for you I just feel like you'd pass on so much your mom taught you and all those moments you wanted back.
I don't think you need to try to be anything but what you are and if that means it never gets easier so be it. That's ok.
So I can't recreate it as well as I meant, but here goes...
You lost something that comes once in life and in only one form and one role. You lost something you can't get back or replace. And you know that. Maybe others don't. Whether they lost it too already or lost something else or haven't lost...
Your grief is your own. And you should "deal" and be however you want to or however you respond at any given moment.
But at least all of what you wrote.. you once had. Because you know what you lost. You treasured it and you wanted more and weren't ready to let go of it. And you shouldn't have had to. I'm sorry for that. I'm sorry for your pain and your loss. I wouldn't ever tell you it's going to get easier. I can't say that. I don't know how long it's been now for you, I'm sorry for not knowing. It's only 9 months for me and I haven't gotten anywhere with it. I haven't even remembered it's reality. I haven't even attempted to "deal" and I hate that term now more than anything. I'd rather just not deal and pretend.
I guess things just change and are different and you learn a new life and a new way. It doesn't mean it's a nice lesson. Or that anything is easy it's just different.
I'm 27 and not married. And the one person I was closest to marrying is no longer in my life and he left my life right when my mom died and as she was dying she thought that was best for me to be done with him. So it means I start over with someone new and he won't know about my mom except in words or pictures. And it means my mom won't have known him or have known I was ok and moved on. I wish at least she'd have known the guy. And it means that all the things that finally my mom and I would have in common to relate to like marriage and motherhoood... we won't have. I won't ever get to talk about those things with her and I was stupid to not before b/c the time hadn't come yet. So why bother?
I just think that those events will be so sad for me. So lonely. No matter what else is around me to supposedly make it happy. So how can someone tell me or you that it gets easier? I don't see it either. I just see it changing with time and with the ebb and flow of life.
Your mom loved you. Carry that with you always. And you loved her. And I know she knew it. I can't bring you any reconciliation or calm your pain. But I can say.. all that she gave you is in you and if you decide to be a mother you will give all of that and pass it on and give to your children a mother of great admirable strength and love.
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I don't want to read that you feel alone and yet I totally get that you do. And I feel that way sometimes more so around others or other family members than I do just being by myself.
Death is sad. Life is sad. I'm really scared of dying. But death is more sad when it comes early and so I guess that has to teach us to appreciate life so much more than we do.
But in missing your mom so much I just feel like that really teaches you to appreciate what you do have and what you did have. I feel like you appreciate your mom so much more than a lot of others did. Including myself. My mom and I had a lot of problems. I still never wanted her to die so young and so early in life. But I feel like this has got to teach me that if I choose to be a mother I have to love that child like everyday is that only chance and I can't get worked up over random silly nonsense so much.
And for you I just feel like you'd pass on so much your mom taught you and all those moments you wanted back.
I don't think you need to try to be anything but what you are and if that means it never gets easier so be it. That's ok.
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