Sad, but very, very, true...
Its November. Its a grimy Sunday morning in Leicestershire, Middle England. That's 52° 29' N 1° 56' W.
Before I dispel my tale, as it were, here's a simple question: Do you know what a rat looks like through a cars windscreen when you're travelling at 30 MPH along a corkscrew of a country lane? Of course it looks like, well, a rat. So when one of them decides to play chicken by darting from one side of the road to the other, just missing my wheels, why did my girlfriend, sitting quietly in the passengers seat sucking a mint, suddenly bring her knees to her chest, lock the car door and howl, "OH MY GOD, WHAT'S THAT!" I could have played this for all its worth with comments, such as, 'its a saber-toothed tiger,' or, 'its one of those Alien thingies. Quick! Cover yer mouth!' But No! The nice guy that I am I simply said, 'Don't worry dear, its just a rat. Just an ordinary, every day, simple, flea infested rat. To be honest and in her defence, she's a city girl and therefore not au fait to the wild life of the country.
We carried on with our journey with the girlfriends screams just a distant memory when, rounding a corner, we came upon a pheasant pecking grit in the middle of the road. This time of year pheasants can appear exceptionally docile, a sort of hibernation of the brain, and no amount of horn blowing and headlight flashing would encourage it to raise a single feather. It seemed totally oblivious to the half ton of metal hurtling towards it.
"Oh MY GOD!" Screams the girlfriend, "Its an OSTRICH!"
Braking hard - and with the cars speed dramatically reduced- I managed to manoeuvre around the plucky bird.
In my view, life's too short a lease to waste away explaining the geographical hemispheres of bird migration who have physical restrictions due to evolution, so I simply said, "Yes dear, and a very small one too! Good job it wasn't a Kangaroo! Those clever buggers really know how to open car doors." She spent the rest of the journey with her knees stapled to her chest gazing endlessly out the passengers window in a panicky search for car mugging marsupials.
Before I dispel my tale, as it were, here's a simple question: Do you know what a rat looks like through a cars windscreen when you're travelling at 30 MPH along a corkscrew of a country lane? Of course it looks like, well, a rat. So when one of them decides to play chicken by darting from one side of the road to the other, just missing my wheels, why did my girlfriend, sitting quietly in the passengers seat sucking a mint, suddenly bring her knees to her chest, lock the car door and howl, "OH MY GOD, WHAT'S THAT!" I could have played this for all its worth with comments, such as, 'its a saber-toothed tiger,' or, 'its one of those Alien thingies. Quick! Cover yer mouth!' But No! The nice guy that I am I simply said, 'Don't worry dear, its just a rat. Just an ordinary, every day, simple, flea infested rat. To be honest and in her defence, she's a city girl and therefore not au fait to the wild life of the country.
We carried on with our journey with the girlfriends screams just a distant memory when, rounding a corner, we came upon a pheasant pecking grit in the middle of the road. This time of year pheasants can appear exceptionally docile, a sort of hibernation of the brain, and no amount of horn blowing and headlight flashing would encourage it to raise a single feather. It seemed totally oblivious to the half ton of metal hurtling towards it.
"Oh MY GOD!" Screams the girlfriend, "Its an OSTRICH!"
Braking hard - and with the cars speed dramatically reduced- I managed to manoeuvre around the plucky bird.
In my view, life's too short a lease to waste away explaining the geographical hemispheres of bird migration who have physical restrictions due to evolution, so I simply said, "Yes dear, and a very small one too! Good job it wasn't a Kangaroo! Those clever buggers really know how to open car doors." She spent the rest of the journey with her knees stapled to her chest gazing endlessly out the passengers window in a panicky search for car mugging marsupials.