FOR PENGUINSMURF
Title: Young Blood.
For: penguinsmurf
Pairing: Jaehyo/Zico, Minhyuk/Zico.
Rating: pg-13.
Word Count: 10331 w.
Summary: "Trying to find the in-between, fall back in love eventually."
Notes: title and summary are from this song by the naked and famous.
After a couple of weeks of talking about it, they came up with a decision. It didn't sound easy, and Jiho was sure it wasn't going to be the most exciting relationship of the world. Still, he nodded and let out a sigh. Jaehyo was standing next to him, the warm wind running along the sidewalk.
"Do you think this is going to work out?" Jaehyo asked, glancing down at his shoes.
He bit his lower lip, shrugging in a defeated way, and then tried to pull a small smile to hide the fact that he had no idea how things could turn out after leaving.
"It's going to be okay." Jiho finally said.
It hadn't been easy to decide whether he should've stayed or not, but even Jiho himself understood the importance of getting accepted into one of the best universities. As Jaehyo pressed his lips into a thin line, a thousand questions started piling up in his mind. Jiho couldn't understand what was going on in his mind anymore.
Jaehyo reached out to him and pulled him into a tight hug, burying his face in the crook of Jiho's neck, losing his hands in the pool of fabric of his oversized hoodie. Jiho let out a shaky breath and hugged him just as tight.
"I'll miss you."
♦
All of the hallways and staircases had looked the same the first day he decided to take a walk around, and more than twice he had attempted to enter the wrong room. He met a few boys that were staying in the room next to his own; who were for the time being his only company. He hadn't gotten a roommate yet, and he was discreetly hoping he would have the room for himself during the whole semester.
After going out with his new friends, a deep voiced kid and a quiet boy he'd met before, he'd always go back to his room, turn on his laptop, and wait for Jaehyo to get online. The older boy's classes had started a week earlier, and that was the reason he couldn't spend much time in the computer, the only thing they could communicate through. (Jiho made a mental note to get his phone fixed as soon as he could.)
He'd wait, laying on his bed while the other one was resting empty and cold on the other side of the room. He vaguely wondered what kind of person would he share the room with, and without really meaning it, he wished he wasn't one of those annoying nerds that appeared in the movies. Jiho was no one to label and judge people, though, so he shrugged the thought off and kept surfing the net.
It had only been a week since they were las able to chat. Jiho missed him, and he knew Jaehyo missed him as well, but for some reason he couldn't tell him. Perhaps it was the fact that his pride wouldn't let him. Perhaps he just didn't want to get more attached than he already was. Perhaps he didn't feel like missing someone.
"Hey!" A small window popped on his screen. He smiled to himself, and decided to let Jaehyo catch up with his new life.
♦
When they first met, for some reason Jiho felt slightly relieved. Happy, for lack of a better word. Minhyuk looked like a nice kid. The first time they met, he was sporting a black hoodie and skinny jeans, black and red sneakers and auburn hair. And it was awkward as hell, might he add, when Minhyuk just mumbled a "Nice to meet you." and bowed at him, choosing to start unpacking instead of getting to know each other. Not that Jiho wanted to know him, but this wasn't how things usually went, was it?
It happened basically the same as when he first met Jaehyo. The older boy was nervous, smiling and his eyes crinkling every now and then, all while Jiho was trying his best to play it cool with him. After that, things slowly fell into place. Jaehyo had a weird sense of humor and he was very aware of his looks. He liked going out almost every day, and he was everything Jiho needed. With Jaehyo, Jiho learnt that sometimes friendship could only come after the awkward, formal greetings.
However, Minhyuk wasn't exactly what he was expecting, either. He was quiet and seemed indifferent most of the times, shrugging off Jiho's questions and smiling out of mere politeness when he thought it was appropriate. But one day, when Jiho came back from classes he could hear music in the hallway coming from his and Minhyuk's room. From that day forward, he'd always find Minhyuk humming a nameless song and dancing to it. He liked that.
Lately, he had been starting to wonder if he liked Minhyuk, too.
It was Friday when Jihoon and Taeil invited him to a frat party and Jiho couldn't deny their very tempting offer.
"I should get going." he said, staring at the screen of his laptop. Jaehyo's eyes widened a bit, a word in his mouth left in half. "I'm going to a friend's party tonight." he added, acting nonchalant.
"Really? You forgot to tell me. Well, have fun, then." Jaehyo said, waving to the webcam in front of him.
"I'll talk to you later. Take care, babe." he said, grinning as he saw the older boy cringe at the last word.
He grabbed the towel hanging on his chair and started walking to the bathroom. Just before he could grab the doorknob, Minhyuk pulled the door open first and gasped when he saw Jiho standing in front of him. The startled boy started laughing, covering his mouth and shaking his head.
"Did I scare you?"
"No, No- You surprised me, there's a difference." Minhyuk defended himself, smiling lopsidedly.
"Are you going out, too?" Jiho casually asked, walking in the bathroom. Minhyuk hummed in response. "To Kyung's frat party?"
"Yeah, that one. I heard it's going to be crazy." Minhyuk commented excitedly, peeking his head into the bathroom, where Jiho was taking his shirt off in front of the mirror.
"I've heard that dude is crazy." Jiho grinned, nodding as well.
"Let's go together, then?"
"Sure. Now get out, perv."
Jiho couldn’t help but marvel over the other boy, amazed at how they had become such good friends over such a short time. They walked shoulder by shoulder, with a patient silence that accompanied them. Minhyuk really was a nice kid. Mysterious enough to catch your attention yet friendly enough to let you know you could get to know him better if you wanted to. He had a stoic expression, though, the kind of expression that you could hardly read, no matter how hard you tried. It would have been an understatement to say Jiho was intrigued.
"So who's that boy you were talking to on skype?" The question popped in the air, and Jiho thought it was about time he asked. He thought about it for a moment, hummed while he tried to use the correct words.
My boyfriend. If he told him, would Minhyuk freak out? Would he be disgusted? Questions started piling up in his mind, and somehow he felt nervous, very nervous indeed. Jiho, the one who hardly ever gave a shit, was worried about what his roommate would think of him. A roommate he barely knew.
"A close friend." Of course, the right thing to do when you're nervous: fuck things up. He nodded in silence when Minhyuk started talking about how close they seemed to be, and much to Jiho's dismay, a long conversation took place in that topic.
"I used to live with him. We're like brothers." Jiho casually added, carefully picking his words after being asked how they knew each other.
"It's great you two are still in contact." Jiho shrugged, and gave a noncommittal hum in response.
By the time they got to the party, things had already long gotten started without them.
Music was throbbing on the walls, crowds of people everywhere dancing to the addictive beats of the song. Some of them were talking, drinking cups and cups of whatever that colorful beverage was. Some of them were already lost in another world, too messed up to socially function. It didn't take it long to spot Jihoon among the crowd of grinding people. The younger boy stumbled through the room, grinning widely while holding his cup up and safely out of harm's way.
"Jiho! I'm glad you came, man. Kyung's over there," Jihoon said, pointing at a group of people sitting on a couch. There were mostly girls around, and as he walked closer, he could see a thin boy sitting in the middle of them. "Let me introduce you." As they approached the couch, and when the black haired boy saw them he immediately stood up and walked towards them. He flashed a smile, toothy and satisfied, a smile that Jiho felt strangely familiar to.
"Hey! You must be the Jiho guy Jihoon hasn't stopped babbling about!" The black-haired boy cheerfully said, punching Jihoon's arm playfully.
After that, he couldn't remember much of what happened.
Kyung spent half of the night flirting with him and he wanted to believe he hadn't flirted back. But according to Jihoon, it was a surprise they didn't end up making out in Kyung's room. ("Kyung is interested in anything that has two legs and a mouth. He obviously liked you!" Jihoon told him before laughing annoyingly loud at his face. His dead-like face, mind you.) He drank whatever he could get a cup of, he danced even though his limbs were barely listening to his brain, and he pretty much lost Minhyuk after 12 a.m.
It was only after Minhyuk opened the door of their room and squinted to find that he found Jiho's barely breathing body lying there in bed. It was half past three and the room was still dark and chilly.
"Are you alive?" Minhyuk asked flatly, sitting on Jiho's bed. The younger groaned, burying his face deeper in his pillow.
"I wish I wasn't."
"Get up. Food time."
♦
What happened over the next few weeks was inevitable.
They started hanging out whenever they found time to, talking about everything, from the weird to the even weirder and more personal things. Sometimes, Jiho couldn't shut his mouth and reached the point of absolute weirdest in their conversations and Minhyuk would laugh with the loud and i don't give a fuck laugh Jiho was growing fond of.
It was inevitable, he thought, because they were sharing the same room, and Minhyuk was the type of guy you couldn't avoid letting in into your daily life.
That was how he rationalized it to himself. It made perfect sense.
Jiho barely even thought of getting online anymore, until one day he remembered to charge his phone and a bunch of text messages jumped out at him, seemingly jumping out of the screen.
'Get online, please?' most of them read. He felt guilty then, impossibly guilty after he realized he hadn't talked to his boyfriend in a week. It was 11 p.m. and he really hoped Jaehyo was still there.
He waited about an hour, before a small window appeared in the corner of the screen.
"Where have you been?"
"Hey, babe." he answered, after he spend a few seconds hovering the keyboard with his fingertips. "I'm sorry, I've been kinda busy these days."
"You could have texted me sometime. I've been worried, you know. We don't talk as much as we used to." Jaehyo's reply was full of concern and it made Jiho feel guilty then.
But as the weeks progressed, he started to feel much less guilty every time he had to apologize for not keeping up their long-distance conversations.
And it seemed like the more he lied, the easier it became with every lie. He'd come up with simple excuses and sometimes, he'd come up with complex ones: “I’ve had a lot of studying to do so I fell asleep on the couch without realizing it” was a common one (with many variations) for times when, in fact, he was lazing around the dorm with Minhyuk.
It was too late by the time he realized that Minhyuk was practically taking over his life without him even noticing - and what Jiho feared the most was that he was getting attached to the older boy.
He'd sometimes sit on his bed and let his thoughts wander freely before he'd always come back to the same conclusion: it just wasn't working out for Jiho and him anymore.
However, when he decided to close his eyes and look back at all the moments they'd spent together, the things they had done together, it wasn't easy to accept.That was when he realized how selfish he really was. He didn’t want to let go. He didn't want to let go of Jaehyo.
Those thoughts would lead him to thinking of even worse thoughts, like the moment he would break up with the older boy. He'd think of the words he'd have to say and the look in Jaehyo's dark eyes and how he'd have to swallow down all his feelings.
He just didn't want to.
♦
"Wanna come with me?"
It was Wednesday, the day Minhyuk had dance class from 5 to 8. Jiho had never seen him dance before, only because he couldn't go with him because he had assignments to finish. But, of course, he had been invited to come with him before.
This was the first time he had time on a Wednesday to actually consider going for real, though.
Minhyuk's smile widened considerably when he saw Jiho nodded at him and stood up from the chair in front of his desk.
"Wait, wait." Jiho paused in mid-step, frowning. "I don't have to dance, right? I'm just going to--"
"Of course not. Unless you want to?"
"Don't want to."
"Okay, then. Just come with me, will you?" There was the pleading tone, transparent and thin, but still strong somehow. Jiho had no will to fight against him.
He never really had the will to fight back when it came to Minhyuk.
They walked to the train station, their cold breaths ghosting above their faces and drifting away with the wind. The day was chilly, clouded and comfortably quiet. Their shoulders bumped every now and then, they'd just smile and keep walking. They didn't talk much, but it didn't feel weird to share the quiet mumbling of the city.
The building they at last reached and entered was tall and had crystal walls viewing the streets.
"Sit over there," Minhyuk said, pointing at one bench in the other side of the wide room they ended up in. "I'll be right back." Without waiting for a reply, he walked toward an older man standing near the sound system.
The music started before Jiho could prepare for it, and he was slightly surprised when he could hear the beats of the song invading his body.
He didn't know which Minhyuk to stare at, the ones reflected in the mirrors or the real Minhyuk who was moving impossibly fast, arms and hands and legs and knees akimbo. Jiho could almost feel his jaw hit the wooden floor just before his phone started vibrating in the depths of his pocket.
Once Jiho at last fished it out, he saw Jaehyo's name flashing on the screen and his mind went blank.
He looked up at Minhyuk - who was still fully concentrated on his perfect dance moves, sweaty and thin and unbearably attractive - and numbly picked up the call.
"Well, look who finally decided to charge his phone!" Jaehyo’s cheerful voice said on the other side of the line. His lips quirked up a bit, a small laugh silently sounding as he tried not to disturb the dancers in the room.
"Someone's in a good mood?"
"Someone has good news!" Jaehyo chirped. With the way his words seemed to bounce in Jiho's mind, he could recall many times in the past where Jaehyo said the exact same words to him.
All of those times before had meant a pleasant surprise - but today, Jiho couldn’t help but fear the worst.
"What is it?" Jiho asked quietly, unwilling to raise his voice any higher.
"I'm coming over to your dorm since I have a long weekend ahead of me. Can I stay there or should I book a hotel room?"
The song finished and Jiho was still staring at Minhyuk's sweaty face, studying his open mouth and eyes filled with electricity.
"I'll get you a hotel room near my dorm. I’ve gotta go."
And with this hasty reply, Jiho threw his phone back into his pocket.
During a cool-down period, Minhyuk told him that he had been dancing since he was 14 and that he had won many contests, solo and group contests. Hearing this, Jiho wondered why the hell Minhyuk was still studying when he could be one of the country's best dancers. Minhyuk shyly smiled, shook his head and told one of his classmates to play the next song.
The hours rushed by and before he could close his mouth, Jiho noticed it was 7:40. The streets outside were busy, many cars and people crossing and trying to make their way out. Minhyuk went to the instructor of the class and told him he has to leave early.
"What’s wrong? You aren’t feeling well or something?" Jiho asked him when Minhyuk was wiping the sweat off his warm body. But Minhyuk only laughed and shook his head.
"No, No. I'm fine. I thought we could go and get something to eat before going back?"
They stumbled through the crowds of people until they found a small café that didn't seem too expensive. It was one of those old-looking cafés, like the ones in the movies Jiho's dad liked to watch after dinner, all white walls and blue tables, small televisions tucked in the corners, and a wooden bar counter.
"A friend of mine got tickets for a concert this weekend. Wanna go with me?" Minhyuk asked, before taking a bite off his sandwich. Jiho was about to nod and ask him what bands were going to play but Jaehyo's voice echoes in his head and he stops chewing on his food.
"I'm sorry. Remember my close friend? The one I told you about-- He's coming over." Jiho explained, trying to at least sound pleased at the idea.
"Hmmm, well…do you think he’d want to come with us? I have tickets for 5."
♦
It was a chilly Saturday morning when he arrived.
Someone knocked on the door of his room, a couple of inaudible thuds barely heard. Minhyuk was taking a shower, and in the back of his mind, Jiho was thankful for Jaehyo's great timing.
When he finally opened the door, Jaehyo’s huge ear-to-ear smile adorned his lips, greeting him. His hair was longer and his skin as smooth as ever, his eyes bright as Jiho hugged him and sighed, letting his chin rest on the older's shoulder.
"I've missed you." Jaehyo softly breathed out, caressing his back.
But despite how glad Jiho expected to be to finally see him again, holding Jaehyo just didn't feel right. Even so, he briefly pressed his lips against Jaehyo's cold ones, and smiled at him. "Come in."
He'd be lying if he said he wasn't feeling awkward. Awkward, of course, being a huge understatement.
Jaehyo walked across the room, letting his backpack touch the floor before he plopped down at the edge of Jiho's messy bed.
"So this is your dorm, huh? I'm surprised. It actually looks like a normal dorm." Jaehyo playfully commented as he scanning every corner of the room with his eyes. Jiho nonchalantly shrugged in response.
"Are you okay?" the pale boy asked, standing up calmly. He placed his hand on Jiho's cheek and caressed his face with his thumb, a gesture Jiho was more than used to.
"Yeah, yeah, I'm- I'm fine." Before Jaehyo could keep asking questions, the sound of a door opening startled them both. Jaehyo immediately took a step back and his body went stiff. Minhyuk was standing in the short hallway that connected the bathroom with the main room.
He briefly squinted at Jaehyo, his hair dripping and his torso free of any type of clothing.
"Oh-- Yes. Jaehyo, this is Minhyuk. My roommate." Jiho brightly informed him, walking towards said boy. "And Minhyuk, this is Jaehyo. My best friend" At these words, Jiho gave Jaehyo a meaningful look, raising his eyebrows, which made the older boy frown. Jaehyo was obviously hurt, because he thought they were over the denial phase. Still, he put on his best fake smile and cooly nodded at Minhyuk, who awkwardly waved in response.
"Nice to meet you." Minhyuk rigidly said, before proceeding to walk to the other side of the room to rummage through his drawers.
Jiho closed his laptop, grabbed his keys and his jacket, and grabbed Jaehyo by the hand before they started to leave the dorm together.
"Hey, don’t worry about waiting up for me, ok? I won't be coming back to meet you guys until a little bit later." Minhyuk snorted audibly as they walked out together and added in quick retort: "It's not like I'm going to sleep here, either."
Jiho gave a noncommittal reply before he left the dorm completely, Jaehyo’s hand in his and a solid lump pressed close to the back of his throat.
♦
"So…where do you want to go first?"
For some reason, it felt like their first date. Which, of course, wasn’t the case at all. It couldn’t even be considered an official date since they were both too proud to ask each other out. They had walked around the city and bought clothes and ate ice cream and pizza before, but they never really called it a date.
This time, when Jiho was sure it was supposed to be a date, he had no idea what to do.
"Is he always like that?" Jaehyo asked, staring at nowhere in particular; his eyes focused only in front of him.
"Who?"
"That Minseok guy."
"Minhyuk."
"Whatever. Is he always that rude? Is he rude to you?" he had his hands buried in his pockets, and he was walking faster than usual.
"He's not rude. He's just - he’s just shy. He's very nice, actually." Jiho casually brushed his bangs out of his forehead with a faint smile plastered on his lips. They kept walking after Jaehyo abruptly changed the topic of their conversation.
After they left the train station, they walked down town until they found a nice looking restaurant. It was warm inside, with yellow light and soft shadows contrasting with the creamy, gentle colors of the place. Jaehyo picked their table, a two-seater near a wide window. They ordered their food after a couple of minutes of scanning the menu.
"I have tickets for a concert tonight." Jiho said, resting his elbows on the table. Jaehyo had his hands on his legs, busy either toying with his phone or tugging at the hem of his shirt every now and then. "Should we go?"
"Sure thing. I haven't been to a concert in months." A wide smile spread across his lips and Jiho felt oddly satisfied with that. It almost felt familiar, but there was something at the bottom of his stomach that made him feel uneasy.
Jaehyo's smile was the same. His voice, his endlessly deep eyes - everything about him remained untouched. He wondered why he didn't feel the same swirl of emotion every time he saw him like he had in years before. He wondered how had he been able to let his feelings slip through his fingers so easily, the feelings and words and thoughts about the boy that he appreciated and cherished.
But as Jaehyo went on talking about a concert he had been to with his new friends, Jiho was only capable of watching his lips move, no sound reaching his ears except the achingly slow beat of his heart.
"…and I got beer all over my shirt." The older concluded, making a funny expression with his brows almost meeting and his lips quirking downwards. Jiho smiled warmly at him, bits of nostalgia glistening in his eyes.
He loved that boy. He loved Jaehyo’s weird, unfunny jokes and how hard he tried to make everyone around him laugh or have a good time. He loved Jaehyo’s caring attitude, his selfishness, and all those times when he gave his everything without a second thought. But most of all, he loved Jaehyo’s unique personality. Jaehyo, who was lazy yet hardworking, depending on what was he dealing with. Jaehyo, who was dumb and sometimes the dumbest of them all, yet so responsible and quick-witted when the situation called for it.
He was the voice in Jiho's head that always told him 'you've crossed the line' or 'you're gonna get yourself killed'.
But now, sitting across the table, Jaehyo felt like an empty stranger.
"--ho? Are you listening to me?"
"Yes, no, I mean I was- no. What were you saying?"
"What are you thinking of?"
"Us." The reply was simple, Jiho’s mind spinning as he stared into Jaehyo's questioning eyes.
The latter opened his lips to say something but the waitress approached their table just in time and placed their steaming dishes on the table. Jiho made sure to erase his words with different comments on the food. He succeeded.
♦
He couldn't hear a word, he only was able to hear the muffled sounds of Jaehyo's voice near his ear.
The concert had started minutes ago, they were standing in the middle of the crowd where people was hysterically jumping and pushing and screaming their lungs out. It looked like an old theatre, with dusty red walls and the brown details in every corner. The stage was completely black and it had blue and purple lights coming from the corner, which gave a strange look to the old place they were in.
Minhyuk, who had met up with them later as promised, was a couple of steps ahead of them, expertly sneaking through the mass of people. He turned around only to find Jiho tugging at Jaehyo's wrist in order to stay together. He grinned and tightly held Jiho's hand to hurriedly lead him and get to the other side of the big room.
They where further from the speakers, and much to Jaehyo's pleasure, there was actually personal space around him. The three of them, together. Jiho had certainly never imagined it to turn out like this.
Minhyuk beamed at him and asked: "Are you having fun?" Jaehyo's mouth hung open for a couple of seconds before he started frantically nodding.
"It's awesome." Then, Jaehyo cheerfully added, "These kids can play!"
Jiho stared at them from the side, a smile on his lips. He was glad they were starting to get along after their first encounter. However, a tiny pool of guilt was starting to form inside of him while watching his boyfriend talk to Minhyuk. Minhyuk, who he had spent with him the last few weeks with, Minhyuk, who had helped him with his projects and taught him helpful English phrases. Minhyuk who he watched movies and talked for hours with. Minhyuk who was always in his mind.
Minhyuk excused himself for a few minutes before he came back with a red-haired guy, who greeted them with a bright smile.
"This is my friend Yukwon. He's the one who gave me the tickets." Minhyuk let his arm hang loosely around said boy's neck. They were both sweating, and Minhyuk had a few strands of hair sticking to his forehead. A drop of sweat trailed down his neck and Jiho couldn't help but follow with his gaze.
Perhaps it was the addictive beats of the song, or the pounding of the walls that made him lose his trail of thoughts and only focus on Minhyuk's creamy skin. He was wearing a v-neck shirt, which Jiho had always found very attractive, and gave him more skin to stare at.
Minhyuk seemed to notice and smirked at him, raising both of his eyebrows, which Jiho knew meant he was up to no good.
"I need to show you something." He said, taking Jiho by the arm and guiding him somewhere else. Jaehyo was about to protest before Minhyuk nonchalantly added, "Yukwon, this is Jaehyo. Take care of him, please."
Without another word, Minhyuk dragged Jiho with him. They got lost among the crowd once again right after a new song started, one with a slow bass playing and some intoxicating guitar notes taking the lead in the song.
"What is it?" Jiho yelled, leaning in closer to Minhyuk.
"You mean this place? It’s called a restroom." Minhyuk announced as he pushed the dark brown and bruised door open.
He walked in with Jiho's hand in his own, and as soon as the door closed, Jiho felt himself pushed until his back met the cold material of the walls.
"I saw you looking at me. I think we're both old enough to do this. Don't speak."
He pressed his lips harshly against Jiho's, who gasped and not long after gave in into the kiss. Before he could get some oxygen to his brain, Minhyuk deepened the kiss and pressed himself closer to Jiho, sneaking one of his legs between Jiho's weak ones.
"This is- nghh, not okay-" Jiho grunted when Minhyuk let his mouth free and found his way down Jiho's neck.
"Why not?" Minhyuk softly mumbled against his skin. "Just relax."
And against all Jiho’s better judgement and all the thoughts he shouldn’t have let take control of his heart, he did.
♦
The ride back home was silent.
Yukwon offered to give them a ride and they gladly accepted. Jiho was sitting on the back seat next to one of the windows, on the other side of the car, resting his forehead against the cold surface.
In the back of his mind, Jiho knew he had to apologize. The words wouldn't pour out of his mouth, though, no matter how many times he repeated them in his head.
Minhyuk was calmly staring out of the window, watching the street lamps run by his side on the deserted sidewalks. Unlike Jiho, he looked and had been able to pretend as if nothing happened. His eyes were dark and his face was bathed in moonlight, and like that, he looked like a doll.
A wicked one, of course.
Jiho's head was a mess. He could still feel his blood boiling and rushing towards everywhere but his brain; he could still feel his muscles twitching and his hands trembling. The taste of Minhyuk's lips against his strongly lingered. For the first time ever, he seriously considered jumping out of the car and disappearing. But that would be very troublesome for everyone, so instead, he closed his eyes and tilted his head backwards.
He walked shoulder to shoulder with Jaehyo until they were both standing in front of the hotel's fancy doors.
They were both tired to the bone, their eyelids felt heavy and every chilly breeze that met them on the sidewalk felt like a floating lullaby.
"I'll see you tomorrow." Jiho said and the older half enthusiastically nodded soon after he wrapped his long arms around Jiho's neck, kissing him lightly.
"Sleep well."
That night, Jiho didn't get any sleep.
He closed his eyes and breathed evenly, paying attention to the smooth rhythm his falling and rising chest had. He thought about many things, like the days when he was younger and he liked to watch horror movies with Jaehyo because he was a scaredy cat. He thought about the days when they were eager adolescents, immature and swearing no one would ever tear them apart because no one would know about them, telling each other that being together would make everything okay.
Those were the days, indeed - distant, unreachable days when he foolishly thought that he, Woo Jiho, would never cheat on someone because that was something only cowards did,
Those were the days, indeed - the days he could never return to.
♦
It began to happen quite regularly a week after Jaehyo left to head back home. It was never planned -or perhaps it was, but he never knew- and if he were to be honest, he wasn't even sure why he was willing to keep up with Minhyuk's random make out sessions.
He always regretted it afterwards, but the further they went, the less he thought about it. And the more time that passed, the less he thought about him Jaehyo.
It gnawed at every part of him, the bone crushing guilt that he carried around.
He didn't go online as often, but he'd always try to remember to charge his phone and get some credit to text Jaehyo back. He figured it was more practical, because he could text him no matter his location (and his location was, most of the times, at some odd place or a mall, right next to Minhyuk.)
When Jihoon asked him about it, it hit him like a truck.
"Are you two dating?" He blurted out, alternating his subtly shocked expression between Jiho's scowling face and Minhyuk's pleased smile. Taeil snorted loudly, but held back his laughter by pressing the palm of his hand on his mouth.
"No-"
"-Not yet."
Minhyuk grinned at him.
♦
They were at the same old café near Minhyuk's dance studio when the question came up again. They days had gotten colder, and even though it wasn't late yet, the sun had already started to hide further down the clouds. Jiho unwrapped his scarf and hung it on the chair, beside him while Minhyuk rubbed off the cold of his hands.
He felt unsafe under Minhyuk's scrutinizing gaze, but he still tried to play it cool and smiled lazily at him.
"Are you hungry?" He asked while Minhyuk was quietly rummaging through his bag. The older looked up at him and flashed a sheepish smile while nodding, and that look in his eyes told Jiho that it was pretty obvious that he was looking for some small-talk.
Jiho was chewing on his food when Minhyuk suddenly cleared his throat and searched for his eyes.
"You know, I've been thinking a lot about this- about us."
"What about us?" Jiho nervously blurted out, his cheeks puffing a little with the food he had inside his mouth. He scanned the quiet place and wondered if people would notice someone crawling out the door. He was seriously considering doing it.
Even if he tried his very best to avoid the guilty feeling that his stomach was so fond of, he couldn't escape it.
His body felt heavier, as if he was carrying stones inside of him. But he was completely aware of what really was plaguing him. They weren’t stones but rather guilt and regret - and perhaps a bit of shame as well. He locked his gaze with Minhyuk's, whose face was dead serious, and tried to swallow his food without intentionally choking.
"Are we dating?" Minhyuk deadpanned. "I mean, we sleep together, we spend our free time together, we have a thousand selcas together. I think it's about time to, you know, make this official." Minhyuk declared, pointing at the two of them.
There was an old man staring at them from the next table, and Jiho smiled smugly at him when he finally caught his eyes.
"You're right."
He wasn't much of a thoughtful person. He wasn't impulsive either. It's just that complicated situations made his brain stumble over things and he always ended up blurting out nonsense.
He looked up at Minhyuk and saw that smile of his, the one that reached his eyes, made them turn into tiny slits and formed a huge dimple on his left cheek. He swallowed the sour tasting guilt and realized that it wasn't nonsense, He wanted to be with him.
"Let's make it official then."
Later that night, Jaehyo texted him. His hands were shaking while holding his phone in front of his face, the screen being the only source of light in the room. He kept thinking about ways to gently break up with him as he wished him a good night.
It made him feel like the worst person ever.
Maybe he was.
♦
They were in the Starbucks near campus after all of their classes ended when, a few minutes later Jihoon and Taeil arrived there to meet them.
"I saw your birthday's coming!" Jihoon overexcitedly announced, instantly gaining everyone's attention, including those near their table.
"It's inevitable, I'm aging!" Jiho dramatically said, placing the back of his hand on his forehead. All of them burst into laughter except for Minhyuk, who pressed his lips tighter and fought back a snort.
"Shut up, ok? I'm older than you, and Taeil way older than us." He defended himself using Taeil as his shield, taking a sip of his soda. Jiho playfully pinched his cheek and managed to steal a smile off his lips. He went back to eating his food in silence after that, looked up and saw both Jihoon and Taeil staring at him.
"What the hell was that, dude." Jihoon asked, scrunching up his nose a little. Taeil's expression was blank, almost unreadable.
He pretended not to hear and enjoyed the last bits of his meal.
"So, I'm going to organize a party for you." Jihoon cheerfully announced, clasping his hands together. Taeil nodded and started explaining everything to get things ready before Friday, and Saturday they'd go to Kyung's frat and after that, hit a club or something along the lines. In the end, they'd all end up drunk as hell and wouldn't remember a thing of what they'd done or where they'd been.
"It's going to be awesome, and you don't have to worry about anything!" Taeil assured him, smiling at him. If they only knew, he bitterly thought, how much he wished he didn't have to worry.
"You really don't have to, guys-"
"Party or nothing."
"We shall party, then."
He laughed with them and he thought he'd thank Minhyuk later for sneaking his cookie right next to his own.
♦
The week rushed right in front of his eyes.
Classes seemed to go faster than they ever had. It was as if Jiho only had to quickly scribble a few notes to study later and finished one of his absolutely pointless projects before it was almost Saturday.
Jaehyo asked a few times what his plans were for that day and he nonchalantly replied about the party his friends were organizing.
"That’s good, though. I’m glad you won’t be by yourself, since I can't visit you this weekend. I have a lot of things to do." As soon as Jaehyo spoke these words, Jiho somehow felt relieved.
"It's okay, don't worry. I'll visit you soon." He tried to make his answer sound a bit disappointed, but the truth was he couldn’t have been more disgusted with himself.
♦
It was Saturday, and Jiho felt like he had only slept for ten minutes.
His body was begging him to crawl under the covers once again but his bladder was suggesting otherwise. So he silently walked to the bathroom and then tiptoed back to his bed, because he didn’t want to wake Minhyuk up. When he at last felt like he could settle down, he covered himself with the comforter up to his chin and closed his eyes, lethargy still lingering on his eyelids.
It wasn’t until he felt the mattress creaking under someone's foreign weight and smiled with his eyes closed. Minhyuk sat on top of him, his knees right next to Jiho's hips and unceremoniously placed palms on Jiho's bare stomach.
"Wake up!" The older of them said, jumping ever so slightly. Jiho groaned and couldn't help the smile that reached up to his sleepy eyes. "Come on, sit up so I can hug you!"
"You can hug me later, baby." But Minhyuk was stubborn and he would never accept that as an answer.
Minhyuk grabbed his shoulders and pulled him up, with a surprising amount of strength in his thin, slender arms. Jiho was sitting up straight then, making a great effort to fully awaken. He felt Minhyuk's warm embrace grow tighter, and he buried his face in the crook of the auburn boy's neck. It was way better than the comforter and his fluffy pillow, he thought, as he wrapped his arms around Minhyuk's waist. He smiled contently.
"Happy birthday," Minhyuk whispered close to his ear. "I'm so glad I was roomed with you." Burying his fingers in Jiho's messy hair, Minhyuk kissed him, slow and precise yet wild enough to make him crave for more of his thin lips.
Jiho wondered if Minhyuk had planned that from the start, but he couldn't find enough will power to ask him. Clothes were discarded shortly after that and Jiho couldn't keep his hands in one place, couldn't tear his eyes away from Minhyuk's slim body. He was fully awake now, kissing and nibbling on every inch of skin he could.
What started as a trying-to-be-innocent kiss ended up as birthday sex.
In the aftermath of it all, lying in bed with Minyuk. memories began flooding back into his mind.
He remembered his birthday last year, and how all of his school friends and Jaehyo, his boyfriend then (and perhaps still now unofficially), showed up for the party. He remembered the huge bowl of popcorn and beers lining up on the table of his living room. He remembered last year’s party, with a a movie that no one paid attention to, inside jokes and cold pizza. He remembered how Jaehyo bought him a couple of shirts, new glasses, and a Hello Kitty cap.
But this year, the memories he would make would be different.
He would no longer stay at home get and sleep under the same blanket as Jaehyo. He wouldn't let himself accept it, but he missed those times.
He kind of missed him.
It was half past three in the afternoon when they finally decided to get out of their dorm.
Minhyuk managed to drag Jiho out of bed and forced him to change into decent clothes to go and have lunch at the nearby starbucks.
Jiho never considered himself to be lucky.
He didn't believe in karma and never really paid attention to stuff like that. But when he saw Jaehyo standing in the hallway with a bucket of flowers on his right hand and a gift in his left hand, he thought, for once, he was the unluckiest creature to ever exist. He felt suffocated, and his brain ran out of thoughts to process and oxygen to function. Like a reflex, he let go of Minhyuk's hand, leaving his own hands hanging on his sides.
Jaehyo tried his best to get it together, eventually closing his mouth as his head tried to fit in the many thoughts that invaded him. It was the knowing look in his eyes that made Jiho shiver. Minhyuk's face went from surprised to confused, because neither Jiho or Jaehyo would say something. Finally, Jaehyo rapidly walked towards them and shoved the roses and the gifts into Jiho's unwilling hands. He mumbled a reluctant "Happy Birthday" and turned on his heel.
Jiho tried to catch his wrist and apologize, but as soon as Jaehyo felt his hand touch his skin he shook his arm and winced, frowning with disgust and anger soaking his pretty features. Minhyuk stood there, silent, watching the wordless interaction.
And Jiho could only stand and stare, wondering how he had ever thought this could have worked out.
♦
Jaehyo was sitting on the other side of the table, staring into nothing in particular through the window, his coffee long forgotten on the table.
Jiho flexed and unfurled his fingers, trying to come up with an explanation. Maybe he didn’t need to give a long story explaining it all, but he still felt responsible for saying something, anything - about how unexpected and weird it was for him too, about how he didn't mean to give into Minhyuk but how he couldn't help it.
But instead, he started with the simplest thing he could manage: an apology, pleading eyes full of emotions and regret over how complicated their situation had become.
"I'm sorry." He looked up with a tired gaze to meet Jaehyo's equally lost eyes. Jaehyo’s eyes were puffy and his voice was hoarse, and Jiho tried hard not to think of Jaehyo crying for hours, trying to stop the tears from flowing and choke back his own sobs.
"I… I saw you looking at him." Jaehyo stumbled over his own words, looking down into the still full mug of coffee. "But I never really thought…"
His words drifted away, and then Jaehyo added: "You're so transparent, you know that?" The older boy snorted. “I knew you liked him from the moment I came that weekend and we went to the concert together.”
Jiho, however, couldn't bring himself to see the bitter humor in these words.
"I really don't know what happened. I was sure I felt something so strong for you and then- "
"It's okay, Jiho."
"No, it's not. Listen to me." He carefully placed his words into the tense air. "There’s no excuse for what I did. You deserve someone so much better. I’m not asking you to forgive me right now. I just - I just wanted you to know I didn't do it on purpose. A-And I feel like shit." His confession brought his brows close and closer together with every heavy word that poured out from his mouth.
Jaehyo looked at him, with his round orbs full of expectation that dissipated in a few seconds. He sighed and rubbed his forehead with his fingers at length.
"Good. That's how it usually goes." Jaehyo mumbled, taking a tiny sip of his coffee. Jiho nodded, accepting the guilt brushing his skin with open arms. "You hesitated a lot, you know, when we first talked about it. Before you left. " He casually added, intentionally hiding the hurt texture of his words.
"I'm sorry."
Those words were all he could keep repeating in his head.
♦
He was walking back home, slowly dragging his feet on the sidewalk. He kept his head up, staring at no point in particular, features void of any emotion. He felt as if he had taken the wrong paths, and now he was lost, standing in the middle of his own fearful mind. He was now stuck with his guilt and regret. The air around him felt thick, suffocating and intoxicating, as if it wasn't his to breathe.
He thought, as he brushed shoulders with someone, that maybe- just maybe, he could still find his way back. Fix things, glue the pieces of his and Jaehyo's relationship together. It wouldn't be the same, because the scars would remain, they'd change the texture of everything.
He thought about everything he had left back at home and everything he had found in his new city, his new life. Jiho was well aware that he had left behind so much more than he could get in there. He stopped walking mid-step, trying to get his thoughts in place.
He vaguely wondered if he could get Jaehyo back.
He briefly thought about the possibilities, about the chances. He thought about Jaehyo's sincere eyes, his warm hands and the shade of pink he would always blush whenever Jiho called him "babe".
How far was he willing to go to get him back? How much was he willing to give up?
And then, while his mind was spinning and his thoughts getting blurry at the ends, Minhyuk's stoic face flashed in. Jiho believed, amidst all the chaos in his mind, that Minhyuk and him were very different. Minhyuk could easily move on, forget and look up to keep his steps in a straight line. He could gracefully skip over things, let go and remain untouched. Unlike Jiho, who had to hold onto someone and couldn't simply forget and go on further, he who held his memories close to his chest.
He arrived at the dorms when the hallways were deafeningly silent. He opened the door as quietly as he could, and tiptoed his way across the room. He certainly did not want to talk to anyone, much less Minhyuk. But of course, things would never go the way he wanted them to.
"Are you okay?" Minhyuk's calm voice echoed between the walls. He let out a soft hum in response, taking his shoes off, followed by his jacket. "Look, I know what's going on." Minhyuk admitted, and then sighed audibly.
"Why are you still talking to me, Minhyuk?" Jiho asked, voice tired and frustrated. He wasn't blaming Minhyuk for anything that happened, of course not, but as he put himself in the older's shoes, he figured he wasn't worth the word.
"Because we have to talk."
"Have we." He slipped off his pants and sat on the edge of his bed. He let his upper body fall and bounce on the mattress, the tiredness of his bones soaking the sheets underneath him. His last words were followed by a long silence. He sighed and covered his eyes with his arm, again in a loss of words.
"I'm sorry. I acted like a total douche." He breathed out, the sour taste of these words lingering on his tongue a bit too much. He could hear Minhyuk's even breathing in the room.
"You really did. And if you don't do something to get yourself together, you’ll keep on acting as one." He didn't sound angry at all. Somehow, Jiho wanted him to be. He deserved a punch in the face or worse. But then again, he figured Minhyuk was considerably unpredictable. He couldn't guess his next actions, his words, he couldn't even figure out what most of his facial expressions meant.
"You should go back with him." Minhyuk suggested, and Jiho could see the small shrug he'd always give.
"Seriously?"
"I'm breaking up with you. You're free to go after him."
♦
A week after that, he skipped his classes and got his documents back, saying he had to go back to his hometown due family issues. He threw his belongings into his suitcases and hurriedly took a shower. He waited for Jihoon in front of the door of his dorm, with his humid hair and fresh face.
"Is something wrong?" Jiho heard Taeil's slightly high pitched voice in the hallway and turned to see him, giving a weak smile and shaking his head.
"Just came to see you, guys. Is Jihoon still in class?"
"Yeah, he'll be back in an hour or two. Why aren't you in class, though?" Taeil blinked curiously at him and waited for his response. It was hard to explain, he realized, but he had to. He had previously decided to make things right from now on.
"I'm leaving. I'm going back to my hometown, I just came to say goodbye." He sheepishly announced, and he didn't feel strong enough to face Taeil's baffled expression.
"You're dropping out of school? Is everything okay?" Taeil insisted, approaching him cautiously. Jiho shook his head.
"I'll continue my studies there. And not exactly, there’s just something I have to fix." He calmly said, a thin string of hope hanging loose on his words. He approached Taeil, then, and gave him a warm and awkward hug. Taeil was smaller than him; he was shorter and had a smaller body frame, so he could easily wrap his arms around him. "Tell Jihoon I came to say goodbye, okay?" He felt Taeil's nod against him.
"Don't forget to visit us sometime."
He took a train, looked for the emptiest place to sit in and placed his belongings near him.
For the entire ride back home, an odd sort of calm fell over Jiho as he sat aboard the vaguely rocking vehicle. It was almost as if the passive faces all around him - people who, just like him, had somewhere to be and someone to see - were enough to remind him that his decision wasn’t in vain. The scenery rushing by between the blockades created by tunnel and bridge walls reminded him of the most important thing of all: everything that happened could become just a blurred memory if he wasn’t careful. It would take willingness to change to make things right - if he could even make things right at all.
Time was of the essence now, and he didn’t have much of it. But he had to try.
Strangely enough, Jiho felt like he had only been gone for a week.
He walked down the same old streets, going through the same routes he used to take to get to their apartment. He thought about his parents, the disappointment in his mother's deep eyes and the tired scowl in his father's face. He pledged to make it up to them, and that was something he knew would be in his power to do.
As for Jaehyo…that was a whole different story.
♦
It was exactly as he remembered it.
There they were, the beige walls with a few photos hanging on them: photos of random trips and places their group of friends had gone to. There they were, too, the same old brown couches and cushions in a living room adjacent to the small kitchen with an even smaller table in. There they were, the same two rooms and a bathroom, nothing less and nothing more.
Jaehyo was under the door frame, his eyes round like a pair of coins, his mouth open as if his jaw would nearly touch the floor any moment. Jiho felt the words slip off his tongue and fall back into his throat as soon as he saw Jaehyo's baffled face. They stared at each other for several seconds - Jaehyo's eyes alternating between Jiho's surroundings, checking if there was someone else with him and Jiho's stone-like face.
It was Jiho who broke the suffocating silence, clearing his throat awkwardly.
"Hey." Jiho mumbled. Jaehyo's brows grew closer after he heard the younger's insecure voice. "Can I come in?"
Jaehyo hesitated at first. He had a pen in his hand and he was wearing his reading glasses, along with a loose shirt and sweatpants. He felt a sharp tug at his chest, but still nodded wordlessly, stepping aside for Jiho to walk in.
"I didn't expect you to come any time soon." Jaehyo said, as Jiho slowly made his way to the one of the couches.
"I came as soon as I could… because I have something to tell you." Jiho slowly let the words roll off his tongue, as if he was afraid some of them might not be heard by the older.
"What about your classes?" Jaehyo asked, biting his lips worriedly, even if he tried to hide it. The look in his face made Jiho's stomach churn violently, but he did his best to keep his face straight.
"Don't worry about that." he breathed out. "I'll take care of it later." Jaehyo's wary expression hadn't abandoned his face, but he still shrugged and sat on the opposite couch to Jiho's.
A heavy silence fell between them, and the air felt considerably thicker with the two of them in the living room.
Jiho couldn't help but remember when he lived there for god knows how long, with the same boring walls around them and Jaehyo's naggy voice calling him from the kitchen. ("It's your turn to wash the dishes! Get your ass over here!" He would yell, taking off his lime green apron.)
"I know I fucked up." Jiho started, resting his elbows on his knees. Jaehyo rolled his eyes as soon as he heard those words, but even so, Jiho kept on. "I know you have all the right in the world to hate me, but…I know you don't. At least not yet."
"So what's the point in you telling me all this?" Jaehyo asked.
"I want to fix things. I want us to be together again - I want everything to be like it used to be." He declared, his voice strangled and desperate. Jaehyo couldn't meet his eyes, and avoided his gaze as much as he could.
"Oh, really?" Jaehyo said, fighting back a snort. "I don't think it's going to be possible just because you want it." His voice was suddenly hoarse and weak, and even if he tried to sound defensive, he could only speak as if he was trying his hardest not to let his resolve crumble.
Little did Jiho know that Jaehyo really was trying his hardest not to let his resolve crumble.
Jaehyo hadn't cried since he found out about Jiho and Minhyuk.
He wanted to so badly, but he wouldn't let himself fall apart. His eyes got unbearably teary but still, his pride was much stronger than he ever imagined. He held inside the hurt, the broken words, and all the fake hopes he built while he was on his own those lonely months.
He wanted to move on, but he obviously couldn't find the strength to do so.
"Please, let me fix this. I know I can make things right this time." Jiho said, bringing his hands together to stop them from shaking slightly.
Jaehyo was never one to hide his feelings. He was so clear in his eyes, sincere and not afraid to show off a piece of his heart. He couldn't even hide the hurt feelings, the disappointment and the fear of being hurt again that were hanging on the brim of his eyes.
"You make it sound so easy, Jiho. It's not a fucking game, you know? You can't just press 'reset' and start again as many times as you need to." Jaehyo spat, words pouring out of his mouth rapidly. His tone went up a little higher and usual and even Jiho was surprised. "You can't just walk into the apartment and say those things." he added a few seconds after, his voice drowning with every word until it was a quiet whisper.
Jaehyo's words echoed through the walls, even after they'd fallen into the dense silence from earlier.
When he saw Jaehyo's lips pressed into a thin line, and his eyes flooded with empathy and what seemed like pity, he finally realized it.
He had been really naive to think Jaehyo would run back into his embrace just like that. He had been dumb to think he could try and glue things back together with a couple of words. He had been dumb in general.
"I…"
"I know it wasn't your intention." Jaehyo spoke before he could think of something worth saying. "But you didn't stop it either."
Jiho gulped and nodded in response, his eyes trailing down until they met the floor.
"I really love you." Jiho said, without looking up at any moment. These words were hard to pronounce, he believed, they were heavy and so meaningful. But he absolutely meant it when he said it. "I'm sorry I had to screw things up to realize it. I'm sorry I had to hurt you in order to open my eyes, and I'm sorry I came here without telling you first." Jiho said, lastly, and stood up rigidly.
Jaehyo's mouth was hanging open as he watched Jiho walk away, his mind completely baffled and out of his senses. He caught up to the younger one in an instant, body moving of its own will, and grabbed Jiho’s wrist.
"Wait. Are you really leaving now?" Jaehyo mumbled. Jiho's trail of thoughts stopped before he could reach out for the doorknob.
" I don't think I have anything else to say." Jiho replied, reluctant and somehow destroyed.
"Well, I do. I'm not going to forgive you just yet, I can't do that. It hurt, you know? It hurt because I trusted you so much. But I love you too," Jaehyo's words were soft and light in the air. Jiho felt his heart drop to his knees, "and I can't just let you go like this."
"But-"
"So…please. Give me some time. If you really love me, give me some time." Jaehyo spoke with a pleading voice that sounded scared yet hopeful. Scared yet hopeless.
"Are things going to be like they were before?" Jiho asked, still in mild shock.
"Well, we could start by just trying to be friends again.” Jaehyo was unsure of his own words, but he let them roll out without a doubt anyway. “We'll see what happens…and if things work out differently from there, then we’ll see."
Wait and see. The concept wasn’t a foreign one to either of them.
He was still afraid of trusting Jiho, still afraid he might lose him again and let him slip between his fingers whenever he wasn't looking, but at least Jaehyo could be comforted by how afraid Jiho seemed as well.
Perhaps Jiho was afraid of his own mistakes, too. He knew he was weak and easily distracted, but of course the time he spent without Jaehyo made him realize that he was too attached to drift away so easily. They both made a promise here and now, and no matter how little the guarantee, it was time to see if they could try to turn back time again.
He wouldn't let it drift away - or let them drift apart - a second time.
For: penguinsmurf
Pairing: Jaehyo/Zico, Minhyuk/Zico.
Rating: pg-13.
Word Count: 10331 w.
Summary: "Trying to find the in-between, fall back in love eventually."
Notes: title and summary are from this song by the naked and famous.
After a couple of weeks of talking about it, they came up with a decision. It didn't sound easy, and Jiho was sure it wasn't going to be the most exciting relationship of the world. Still, he nodded and let out a sigh. Jaehyo was standing next to him, the warm wind running along the sidewalk.
"Do you think this is going to work out?" Jaehyo asked, glancing down at his shoes.
He bit his lower lip, shrugging in a defeated way, and then tried to pull a small smile to hide the fact that he had no idea how things could turn out after leaving.
"It's going to be okay." Jiho finally said.
It hadn't been easy to decide whether he should've stayed or not, but even Jiho himself understood the importance of getting accepted into one of the best universities. As Jaehyo pressed his lips into a thin line, a thousand questions started piling up in his mind. Jiho couldn't understand what was going on in his mind anymore.
Jaehyo reached out to him and pulled him into a tight hug, burying his face in the crook of Jiho's neck, losing his hands in the pool of fabric of his oversized hoodie. Jiho let out a shaky breath and hugged him just as tight.
"I'll miss you."
♦
All of the hallways and staircases had looked the same the first day he decided to take a walk around, and more than twice he had attempted to enter the wrong room. He met a few boys that were staying in the room next to his own; who were for the time being his only company. He hadn't gotten a roommate yet, and he was discreetly hoping he would have the room for himself during the whole semester.
After going out with his new friends, a deep voiced kid and a quiet boy he'd met before, he'd always go back to his room, turn on his laptop, and wait for Jaehyo to get online. The older boy's classes had started a week earlier, and that was the reason he couldn't spend much time in the computer, the only thing they could communicate through. (Jiho made a mental note to get his phone fixed as soon as he could.)
He'd wait, laying on his bed while the other one was resting empty and cold on the other side of the room. He vaguely wondered what kind of person would he share the room with, and without really meaning it, he wished he wasn't one of those annoying nerds that appeared in the movies. Jiho was no one to label and judge people, though, so he shrugged the thought off and kept surfing the net.
It had only been a week since they were las able to chat. Jiho missed him, and he knew Jaehyo missed him as well, but for some reason he couldn't tell him. Perhaps it was the fact that his pride wouldn't let him. Perhaps he just didn't want to get more attached than he already was. Perhaps he didn't feel like missing someone.
"Hey!" A small window popped on his screen. He smiled to himself, and decided to let Jaehyo catch up with his new life.
♦
When they first met, for some reason Jiho felt slightly relieved. Happy, for lack of a better word. Minhyuk looked like a nice kid. The first time they met, he was sporting a black hoodie and skinny jeans, black and red sneakers and auburn hair. And it was awkward as hell, might he add, when Minhyuk just mumbled a "Nice to meet you." and bowed at him, choosing to start unpacking instead of getting to know each other. Not that Jiho wanted to know him, but this wasn't how things usually went, was it?
It happened basically the same as when he first met Jaehyo. The older boy was nervous, smiling and his eyes crinkling every now and then, all while Jiho was trying his best to play it cool with him. After that, things slowly fell into place. Jaehyo had a weird sense of humor and he was very aware of his looks. He liked going out almost every day, and he was everything Jiho needed. With Jaehyo, Jiho learnt that sometimes friendship could only come after the awkward, formal greetings.
However, Minhyuk wasn't exactly what he was expecting, either. He was quiet and seemed indifferent most of the times, shrugging off Jiho's questions and smiling out of mere politeness when he thought it was appropriate. But one day, when Jiho came back from classes he could hear music in the hallway coming from his and Minhyuk's room. From that day forward, he'd always find Minhyuk humming a nameless song and dancing to it. He liked that.
Lately, he had been starting to wonder if he liked Minhyuk, too.
It was Friday when Jihoon and Taeil invited him to a frat party and Jiho couldn't deny their very tempting offer.
"I should get going." he said, staring at the screen of his laptop. Jaehyo's eyes widened a bit, a word in his mouth left in half. "I'm going to a friend's party tonight." he added, acting nonchalant.
"Really? You forgot to tell me. Well, have fun, then." Jaehyo said, waving to the webcam in front of him.
"I'll talk to you later. Take care, babe." he said, grinning as he saw the older boy cringe at the last word.
He grabbed the towel hanging on his chair and started walking to the bathroom. Just before he could grab the doorknob, Minhyuk pulled the door open first and gasped when he saw Jiho standing in front of him. The startled boy started laughing, covering his mouth and shaking his head.
"Did I scare you?"
"No, No- You surprised me, there's a difference." Minhyuk defended himself, smiling lopsidedly.
"Are you going out, too?" Jiho casually asked, walking in the bathroom. Minhyuk hummed in response. "To Kyung's frat party?"
"Yeah, that one. I heard it's going to be crazy." Minhyuk commented excitedly, peeking his head into the bathroom, where Jiho was taking his shirt off in front of the mirror.
"I've heard that dude is crazy." Jiho grinned, nodding as well.
"Let's go together, then?"
"Sure. Now get out, perv."
Jiho couldn’t help but marvel over the other boy, amazed at how they had become such good friends over such a short time. They walked shoulder by shoulder, with a patient silence that accompanied them. Minhyuk really was a nice kid. Mysterious enough to catch your attention yet friendly enough to let you know you could get to know him better if you wanted to. He had a stoic expression, though, the kind of expression that you could hardly read, no matter how hard you tried. It would have been an understatement to say Jiho was intrigued.
"So who's that boy you were talking to on skype?" The question popped in the air, and Jiho thought it was about time he asked. He thought about it for a moment, hummed while he tried to use the correct words.
My boyfriend. If he told him, would Minhyuk freak out? Would he be disgusted? Questions started piling up in his mind, and somehow he felt nervous, very nervous indeed. Jiho, the one who hardly ever gave a shit, was worried about what his roommate would think of him. A roommate he barely knew.
"A close friend." Of course, the right thing to do when you're nervous: fuck things up. He nodded in silence when Minhyuk started talking about how close they seemed to be, and much to Jiho's dismay, a long conversation took place in that topic.
"I used to live with him. We're like brothers." Jiho casually added, carefully picking his words after being asked how they knew each other.
"It's great you two are still in contact." Jiho shrugged, and gave a noncommittal hum in response.
By the time they got to the party, things had already long gotten started without them.
Music was throbbing on the walls, crowds of people everywhere dancing to the addictive beats of the song. Some of them were talking, drinking cups and cups of whatever that colorful beverage was. Some of them were already lost in another world, too messed up to socially function. It didn't take it long to spot Jihoon among the crowd of grinding people. The younger boy stumbled through the room, grinning widely while holding his cup up and safely out of harm's way.
"Jiho! I'm glad you came, man. Kyung's over there," Jihoon said, pointing at a group of people sitting on a couch. There were mostly girls around, and as he walked closer, he could see a thin boy sitting in the middle of them. "Let me introduce you." As they approached the couch, and when the black haired boy saw them he immediately stood up and walked towards them. He flashed a smile, toothy and satisfied, a smile that Jiho felt strangely familiar to.
"Hey! You must be the Jiho guy Jihoon hasn't stopped babbling about!" The black-haired boy cheerfully said, punching Jihoon's arm playfully.
After that, he couldn't remember much of what happened.
Kyung spent half of the night flirting with him and he wanted to believe he hadn't flirted back. But according to Jihoon, it was a surprise they didn't end up making out in Kyung's room. ("Kyung is interested in anything that has two legs and a mouth. He obviously liked you!" Jihoon told him before laughing annoyingly loud at his face. His dead-like face, mind you.) He drank whatever he could get a cup of, he danced even though his limbs were barely listening to his brain, and he pretty much lost Minhyuk after 12 a.m.
It was only after Minhyuk opened the door of their room and squinted to find that he found Jiho's barely breathing body lying there in bed. It was half past three and the room was still dark and chilly.
"Are you alive?" Minhyuk asked flatly, sitting on Jiho's bed. The younger groaned, burying his face deeper in his pillow.
"I wish I wasn't."
"Get up. Food time."
♦
What happened over the next few weeks was inevitable.
They started hanging out whenever they found time to, talking about everything, from the weird to the even weirder and more personal things. Sometimes, Jiho couldn't shut his mouth and reached the point of absolute weirdest in their conversations and Minhyuk would laugh with the loud and i don't give a fuck laugh Jiho was growing fond of.
It was inevitable, he thought, because they were sharing the same room, and Minhyuk was the type of guy you couldn't avoid letting in into your daily life.
That was how he rationalized it to himself. It made perfect sense.
Jiho barely even thought of getting online anymore, until one day he remembered to charge his phone and a bunch of text messages jumped out at him, seemingly jumping out of the screen.
'Get online, please?' most of them read. He felt guilty then, impossibly guilty after he realized he hadn't talked to his boyfriend in a week. It was 11 p.m. and he really hoped Jaehyo was still there.
He waited about an hour, before a small window appeared in the corner of the screen.
"Where have you been?"
"Hey, babe." he answered, after he spend a few seconds hovering the keyboard with his fingertips. "I'm sorry, I've been kinda busy these days."
"You could have texted me sometime. I've been worried, you know. We don't talk as much as we used to." Jaehyo's reply was full of concern and it made Jiho feel guilty then.
But as the weeks progressed, he started to feel much less guilty every time he had to apologize for not keeping up their long-distance conversations.
And it seemed like the more he lied, the easier it became with every lie. He'd come up with simple excuses and sometimes, he'd come up with complex ones: “I’ve had a lot of studying to do so I fell asleep on the couch without realizing it” was a common one (with many variations) for times when, in fact, he was lazing around the dorm with Minhyuk.
It was too late by the time he realized that Minhyuk was practically taking over his life without him even noticing - and what Jiho feared the most was that he was getting attached to the older boy.
He'd sometimes sit on his bed and let his thoughts wander freely before he'd always come back to the same conclusion: it just wasn't working out for Jiho and him anymore.
However, when he decided to close his eyes and look back at all the moments they'd spent together, the things they had done together, it wasn't easy to accept.That was when he realized how selfish he really was. He didn’t want to let go. He didn't want to let go of Jaehyo.
Those thoughts would lead him to thinking of even worse thoughts, like the moment he would break up with the older boy. He'd think of the words he'd have to say and the look in Jaehyo's dark eyes and how he'd have to swallow down all his feelings.
He just didn't want to.
♦
"Wanna come with me?"
It was Wednesday, the day Minhyuk had dance class from 5 to 8. Jiho had never seen him dance before, only because he couldn't go with him because he had assignments to finish. But, of course, he had been invited to come with him before.
This was the first time he had time on a Wednesday to actually consider going for real, though.
Minhyuk's smile widened considerably when he saw Jiho nodded at him and stood up from the chair in front of his desk.
"Wait, wait." Jiho paused in mid-step, frowning. "I don't have to dance, right? I'm just going to--"
"Of course not. Unless you want to?"
"Don't want to."
"Okay, then. Just come with me, will you?" There was the pleading tone, transparent and thin, but still strong somehow. Jiho had no will to fight against him.
He never really had the will to fight back when it came to Minhyuk.
They walked to the train station, their cold breaths ghosting above their faces and drifting away with the wind. The day was chilly, clouded and comfortably quiet. Their shoulders bumped every now and then, they'd just smile and keep walking. They didn't talk much, but it didn't feel weird to share the quiet mumbling of the city.
The building they at last reached and entered was tall and had crystal walls viewing the streets.
"Sit over there," Minhyuk said, pointing at one bench in the other side of the wide room they ended up in. "I'll be right back." Without waiting for a reply, he walked toward an older man standing near the sound system.
The music started before Jiho could prepare for it, and he was slightly surprised when he could hear the beats of the song invading his body.
He didn't know which Minhyuk to stare at, the ones reflected in the mirrors or the real Minhyuk who was moving impossibly fast, arms and hands and legs and knees akimbo. Jiho could almost feel his jaw hit the wooden floor just before his phone started vibrating in the depths of his pocket.
Once Jiho at last fished it out, he saw Jaehyo's name flashing on the screen and his mind went blank.
He looked up at Minhyuk - who was still fully concentrated on his perfect dance moves, sweaty and thin and unbearably attractive - and numbly picked up the call.
"Well, look who finally decided to charge his phone!" Jaehyo’s cheerful voice said on the other side of the line. His lips quirked up a bit, a small laugh silently sounding as he tried not to disturb the dancers in the room.
"Someone's in a good mood?"
"Someone has good news!" Jaehyo chirped. With the way his words seemed to bounce in Jiho's mind, he could recall many times in the past where Jaehyo said the exact same words to him.
All of those times before had meant a pleasant surprise - but today, Jiho couldn’t help but fear the worst.
"What is it?" Jiho asked quietly, unwilling to raise his voice any higher.
"I'm coming over to your dorm since I have a long weekend ahead of me. Can I stay there or should I book a hotel room?"
The song finished and Jiho was still staring at Minhyuk's sweaty face, studying his open mouth and eyes filled with electricity.
"I'll get you a hotel room near my dorm. I’ve gotta go."
And with this hasty reply, Jiho threw his phone back into his pocket.
During a cool-down period, Minhyuk told him that he had been dancing since he was 14 and that he had won many contests, solo and group contests. Hearing this, Jiho wondered why the hell Minhyuk was still studying when he could be one of the country's best dancers. Minhyuk shyly smiled, shook his head and told one of his classmates to play the next song.
The hours rushed by and before he could close his mouth, Jiho noticed it was 7:40. The streets outside were busy, many cars and people crossing and trying to make their way out. Minhyuk went to the instructor of the class and told him he has to leave early.
"What’s wrong? You aren’t feeling well or something?" Jiho asked him when Minhyuk was wiping the sweat off his warm body. But Minhyuk only laughed and shook his head.
"No, No. I'm fine. I thought we could go and get something to eat before going back?"
They stumbled through the crowds of people until they found a small café that didn't seem too expensive. It was one of those old-looking cafés, like the ones in the movies Jiho's dad liked to watch after dinner, all white walls and blue tables, small televisions tucked in the corners, and a wooden bar counter.
"A friend of mine got tickets for a concert this weekend. Wanna go with me?" Minhyuk asked, before taking a bite off his sandwich. Jiho was about to nod and ask him what bands were going to play but Jaehyo's voice echoes in his head and he stops chewing on his food.
"I'm sorry. Remember my close friend? The one I told you about-- He's coming over." Jiho explained, trying to at least sound pleased at the idea.
"Hmmm, well…do you think he’d want to come with us? I have tickets for 5."
♦
It was a chilly Saturday morning when he arrived.
Someone knocked on the door of his room, a couple of inaudible thuds barely heard. Minhyuk was taking a shower, and in the back of his mind, Jiho was thankful for Jaehyo's great timing.
When he finally opened the door, Jaehyo’s huge ear-to-ear smile adorned his lips, greeting him. His hair was longer and his skin as smooth as ever, his eyes bright as Jiho hugged him and sighed, letting his chin rest on the older's shoulder.
"I've missed you." Jaehyo softly breathed out, caressing his back.
But despite how glad Jiho expected to be to finally see him again, holding Jaehyo just didn't feel right. Even so, he briefly pressed his lips against Jaehyo's cold ones, and smiled at him. "Come in."
He'd be lying if he said he wasn't feeling awkward. Awkward, of course, being a huge understatement.
Jaehyo walked across the room, letting his backpack touch the floor before he plopped down at the edge of Jiho's messy bed.
"So this is your dorm, huh? I'm surprised. It actually looks like a normal dorm." Jaehyo playfully commented as he scanning every corner of the room with his eyes. Jiho nonchalantly shrugged in response.
"Are you okay?" the pale boy asked, standing up calmly. He placed his hand on Jiho's cheek and caressed his face with his thumb, a gesture Jiho was more than used to.
"Yeah, yeah, I'm- I'm fine." Before Jaehyo could keep asking questions, the sound of a door opening startled them both. Jaehyo immediately took a step back and his body went stiff. Minhyuk was standing in the short hallway that connected the bathroom with the main room.
He briefly squinted at Jaehyo, his hair dripping and his torso free of any type of clothing.
"Oh-- Yes. Jaehyo, this is Minhyuk. My roommate." Jiho brightly informed him, walking towards said boy. "And Minhyuk, this is Jaehyo. My best friend" At these words, Jiho gave Jaehyo a meaningful look, raising his eyebrows, which made the older boy frown. Jaehyo was obviously hurt, because he thought they were over the denial phase. Still, he put on his best fake smile and cooly nodded at Minhyuk, who awkwardly waved in response.
"Nice to meet you." Minhyuk rigidly said, before proceeding to walk to the other side of the room to rummage through his drawers.
Jiho closed his laptop, grabbed his keys and his jacket, and grabbed Jaehyo by the hand before they started to leave the dorm together.
"Hey, don’t worry about waiting up for me, ok? I won't be coming back to meet you guys until a little bit later." Minhyuk snorted audibly as they walked out together and added in quick retort: "It's not like I'm going to sleep here, either."
Jiho gave a noncommittal reply before he left the dorm completely, Jaehyo’s hand in his and a solid lump pressed close to the back of his throat.
♦
"So…where do you want to go first?"
For some reason, it felt like their first date. Which, of course, wasn’t the case at all. It couldn’t even be considered an official date since they were both too proud to ask each other out. They had walked around the city and bought clothes and ate ice cream and pizza before, but they never really called it a date.
This time, when Jiho was sure it was supposed to be a date, he had no idea what to do.
"Is he always like that?" Jaehyo asked, staring at nowhere in particular; his eyes focused only in front of him.
"Who?"
"That Minseok guy."
"Minhyuk."
"Whatever. Is he always that rude? Is he rude to you?" he had his hands buried in his pockets, and he was walking faster than usual.
"He's not rude. He's just - he’s just shy. He's very nice, actually." Jiho casually brushed his bangs out of his forehead with a faint smile plastered on his lips. They kept walking after Jaehyo abruptly changed the topic of their conversation.
After they left the train station, they walked down town until they found a nice looking restaurant. It was warm inside, with yellow light and soft shadows contrasting with the creamy, gentle colors of the place. Jaehyo picked their table, a two-seater near a wide window. They ordered their food after a couple of minutes of scanning the menu.
"I have tickets for a concert tonight." Jiho said, resting his elbows on the table. Jaehyo had his hands on his legs, busy either toying with his phone or tugging at the hem of his shirt every now and then. "Should we go?"
"Sure thing. I haven't been to a concert in months." A wide smile spread across his lips and Jiho felt oddly satisfied with that. It almost felt familiar, but there was something at the bottom of his stomach that made him feel uneasy.
Jaehyo's smile was the same. His voice, his endlessly deep eyes - everything about him remained untouched. He wondered why he didn't feel the same swirl of emotion every time he saw him like he had in years before. He wondered how had he been able to let his feelings slip through his fingers so easily, the feelings and words and thoughts about the boy that he appreciated and cherished.
But as Jaehyo went on talking about a concert he had been to with his new friends, Jiho was only capable of watching his lips move, no sound reaching his ears except the achingly slow beat of his heart.
"…and I got beer all over my shirt." The older concluded, making a funny expression with his brows almost meeting and his lips quirking downwards. Jiho smiled warmly at him, bits of nostalgia glistening in his eyes.
He loved that boy. He loved Jaehyo’s weird, unfunny jokes and how hard he tried to make everyone around him laugh or have a good time. He loved Jaehyo’s caring attitude, his selfishness, and all those times when he gave his everything without a second thought. But most of all, he loved Jaehyo’s unique personality. Jaehyo, who was lazy yet hardworking, depending on what was he dealing with. Jaehyo, who was dumb and sometimes the dumbest of them all, yet so responsible and quick-witted when the situation called for it.
He was the voice in Jiho's head that always told him 'you've crossed the line' or 'you're gonna get yourself killed'.
But now, sitting across the table, Jaehyo felt like an empty stranger.
"--ho? Are you listening to me?"
"Yes, no, I mean I was- no. What were you saying?"
"What are you thinking of?"
"Us." The reply was simple, Jiho’s mind spinning as he stared into Jaehyo's questioning eyes.
The latter opened his lips to say something but the waitress approached their table just in time and placed their steaming dishes on the table. Jiho made sure to erase his words with different comments on the food. He succeeded.
♦
He couldn't hear a word, he only was able to hear the muffled sounds of Jaehyo's voice near his ear.
The concert had started minutes ago, they were standing in the middle of the crowd where people was hysterically jumping and pushing and screaming their lungs out. It looked like an old theatre, with dusty red walls and the brown details in every corner. The stage was completely black and it had blue and purple lights coming from the corner, which gave a strange look to the old place they were in.
Minhyuk, who had met up with them later as promised, was a couple of steps ahead of them, expertly sneaking through the mass of people. He turned around only to find Jiho tugging at Jaehyo's wrist in order to stay together. He grinned and tightly held Jiho's hand to hurriedly lead him and get to the other side of the big room.
They where further from the speakers, and much to Jaehyo's pleasure, there was actually personal space around him. The three of them, together. Jiho had certainly never imagined it to turn out like this.
Minhyuk beamed at him and asked: "Are you having fun?" Jaehyo's mouth hung open for a couple of seconds before he started frantically nodding.
"It's awesome." Then, Jaehyo cheerfully added, "These kids can play!"
Jiho stared at them from the side, a smile on his lips. He was glad they were starting to get along after their first encounter. However, a tiny pool of guilt was starting to form inside of him while watching his boyfriend talk to Minhyuk. Minhyuk, who he had spent with him the last few weeks with, Minhyuk, who had helped him with his projects and taught him helpful English phrases. Minhyuk who he watched movies and talked for hours with. Minhyuk who was always in his mind.
Minhyuk excused himself for a few minutes before he came back with a red-haired guy, who greeted them with a bright smile.
"This is my friend Yukwon. He's the one who gave me the tickets." Minhyuk let his arm hang loosely around said boy's neck. They were both sweating, and Minhyuk had a few strands of hair sticking to his forehead. A drop of sweat trailed down his neck and Jiho couldn't help but follow with his gaze.
Perhaps it was the addictive beats of the song, or the pounding of the walls that made him lose his trail of thoughts and only focus on Minhyuk's creamy skin. He was wearing a v-neck shirt, which Jiho had always found very attractive, and gave him more skin to stare at.
Minhyuk seemed to notice and smirked at him, raising both of his eyebrows, which Jiho knew meant he was up to no good.
"I need to show you something." He said, taking Jiho by the arm and guiding him somewhere else. Jaehyo was about to protest before Minhyuk nonchalantly added, "Yukwon, this is Jaehyo. Take care of him, please."
Without another word, Minhyuk dragged Jiho with him. They got lost among the crowd once again right after a new song started, one with a slow bass playing and some intoxicating guitar notes taking the lead in the song.
"What is it?" Jiho yelled, leaning in closer to Minhyuk.
"You mean this place? It’s called a restroom." Minhyuk announced as he pushed the dark brown and bruised door open.
He walked in with Jiho's hand in his own, and as soon as the door closed, Jiho felt himself pushed until his back met the cold material of the walls.
"I saw you looking at me. I think we're both old enough to do this. Don't speak."
He pressed his lips harshly against Jiho's, who gasped and not long after gave in into the kiss. Before he could get some oxygen to his brain, Minhyuk deepened the kiss and pressed himself closer to Jiho, sneaking one of his legs between Jiho's weak ones.
"This is- nghh, not okay-" Jiho grunted when Minhyuk let his mouth free and found his way down Jiho's neck.
"Why not?" Minhyuk softly mumbled against his skin. "Just relax."
And against all Jiho’s better judgement and all the thoughts he shouldn’t have let take control of his heart, he did.
♦
The ride back home was silent.
Yukwon offered to give them a ride and they gladly accepted. Jiho was sitting on the back seat next to one of the windows, on the other side of the car, resting his forehead against the cold surface.
In the back of his mind, Jiho knew he had to apologize. The words wouldn't pour out of his mouth, though, no matter how many times he repeated them in his head.
Minhyuk was calmly staring out of the window, watching the street lamps run by his side on the deserted sidewalks. Unlike Jiho, he looked and had been able to pretend as if nothing happened. His eyes were dark and his face was bathed in moonlight, and like that, he looked like a doll.
A wicked one, of course.
Jiho's head was a mess. He could still feel his blood boiling and rushing towards everywhere but his brain; he could still feel his muscles twitching and his hands trembling. The taste of Minhyuk's lips against his strongly lingered. For the first time ever, he seriously considered jumping out of the car and disappearing. But that would be very troublesome for everyone, so instead, he closed his eyes and tilted his head backwards.
He walked shoulder to shoulder with Jaehyo until they were both standing in front of the hotel's fancy doors.
They were both tired to the bone, their eyelids felt heavy and every chilly breeze that met them on the sidewalk felt like a floating lullaby.
"I'll see you tomorrow." Jiho said and the older half enthusiastically nodded soon after he wrapped his long arms around Jiho's neck, kissing him lightly.
"Sleep well."
That night, Jiho didn't get any sleep.
He closed his eyes and breathed evenly, paying attention to the smooth rhythm his falling and rising chest had. He thought about many things, like the days when he was younger and he liked to watch horror movies with Jaehyo because he was a scaredy cat. He thought about the days when they were eager adolescents, immature and swearing no one would ever tear them apart because no one would know about them, telling each other that being together would make everything okay.
Those were the days, indeed - distant, unreachable days when he foolishly thought that he, Woo Jiho, would never cheat on someone because that was something only cowards did,
Those were the days, indeed - the days he could never return to.
♦
It began to happen quite regularly a week after Jaehyo left to head back home. It was never planned -or perhaps it was, but he never knew- and if he were to be honest, he wasn't even sure why he was willing to keep up with Minhyuk's random make out sessions.
He always regretted it afterwards, but the further they went, the less he thought about it. And the more time that passed, the less he thought about him Jaehyo.
It gnawed at every part of him, the bone crushing guilt that he carried around.
He didn't go online as often, but he'd always try to remember to charge his phone and get some credit to text Jaehyo back. He figured it was more practical, because he could text him no matter his location (and his location was, most of the times, at some odd place or a mall, right next to Minhyuk.)
When Jihoon asked him about it, it hit him like a truck.
"Are you two dating?" He blurted out, alternating his subtly shocked expression between Jiho's scowling face and Minhyuk's pleased smile. Taeil snorted loudly, but held back his laughter by pressing the palm of his hand on his mouth.
"No-"
"-Not yet."
Minhyuk grinned at him.
♦
They were at the same old café near Minhyuk's dance studio when the question came up again. They days had gotten colder, and even though it wasn't late yet, the sun had already started to hide further down the clouds. Jiho unwrapped his scarf and hung it on the chair, beside him while Minhyuk rubbed off the cold of his hands.
He felt unsafe under Minhyuk's scrutinizing gaze, but he still tried to play it cool and smiled lazily at him.
"Are you hungry?" He asked while Minhyuk was quietly rummaging through his bag. The older looked up at him and flashed a sheepish smile while nodding, and that look in his eyes told Jiho that it was pretty obvious that he was looking for some small-talk.
Jiho was chewing on his food when Minhyuk suddenly cleared his throat and searched for his eyes.
"You know, I've been thinking a lot about this- about us."
"What about us?" Jiho nervously blurted out, his cheeks puffing a little with the food he had inside his mouth. He scanned the quiet place and wondered if people would notice someone crawling out the door. He was seriously considering doing it.
Even if he tried his very best to avoid the guilty feeling that his stomach was so fond of, he couldn't escape it.
His body felt heavier, as if he was carrying stones inside of him. But he was completely aware of what really was plaguing him. They weren’t stones but rather guilt and regret - and perhaps a bit of shame as well. He locked his gaze with Minhyuk's, whose face was dead serious, and tried to swallow his food without intentionally choking.
"Are we dating?" Minhyuk deadpanned. "I mean, we sleep together, we spend our free time together, we have a thousand selcas together. I think it's about time to, you know, make this official." Minhyuk declared, pointing at the two of them.
There was an old man staring at them from the next table, and Jiho smiled smugly at him when he finally caught his eyes.
"You're right."
He wasn't much of a thoughtful person. He wasn't impulsive either. It's just that complicated situations made his brain stumble over things and he always ended up blurting out nonsense.
He looked up at Minhyuk and saw that smile of his, the one that reached his eyes, made them turn into tiny slits and formed a huge dimple on his left cheek. He swallowed the sour tasting guilt and realized that it wasn't nonsense, He wanted to be with him.
"Let's make it official then."
Later that night, Jaehyo texted him. His hands were shaking while holding his phone in front of his face, the screen being the only source of light in the room. He kept thinking about ways to gently break up with him as he wished him a good night.
It made him feel like the worst person ever.
Maybe he was.
♦
They were in the Starbucks near campus after all of their classes ended when, a few minutes later Jihoon and Taeil arrived there to meet them.
"I saw your birthday's coming!" Jihoon overexcitedly announced, instantly gaining everyone's attention, including those near their table.
"It's inevitable, I'm aging!" Jiho dramatically said, placing the back of his hand on his forehead. All of them burst into laughter except for Minhyuk, who pressed his lips tighter and fought back a snort.
"Shut up, ok? I'm older than you, and Taeil way older than us." He defended himself using Taeil as his shield, taking a sip of his soda. Jiho playfully pinched his cheek and managed to steal a smile off his lips. He went back to eating his food in silence after that, looked up and saw both Jihoon and Taeil staring at him.
"What the hell was that, dude." Jihoon asked, scrunching up his nose a little. Taeil's expression was blank, almost unreadable.
He pretended not to hear and enjoyed the last bits of his meal.
"So, I'm going to organize a party for you." Jihoon cheerfully announced, clasping his hands together. Taeil nodded and started explaining everything to get things ready before Friday, and Saturday they'd go to Kyung's frat and after that, hit a club or something along the lines. In the end, they'd all end up drunk as hell and wouldn't remember a thing of what they'd done or where they'd been.
"It's going to be awesome, and you don't have to worry about anything!" Taeil assured him, smiling at him. If they only knew, he bitterly thought, how much he wished he didn't have to worry.
"You really don't have to, guys-"
"Party or nothing."
"We shall party, then."
He laughed with them and he thought he'd thank Minhyuk later for sneaking his cookie right next to his own.
♦
The week rushed right in front of his eyes.
Classes seemed to go faster than they ever had. It was as if Jiho only had to quickly scribble a few notes to study later and finished one of his absolutely pointless projects before it was almost Saturday.
Jaehyo asked a few times what his plans were for that day and he nonchalantly replied about the party his friends were organizing.
"That’s good, though. I’m glad you won’t be by yourself, since I can't visit you this weekend. I have a lot of things to do." As soon as Jaehyo spoke these words, Jiho somehow felt relieved.
"It's okay, don't worry. I'll visit you soon." He tried to make his answer sound a bit disappointed, but the truth was he couldn’t have been more disgusted with himself.
♦
It was Saturday, and Jiho felt like he had only slept for ten minutes.
His body was begging him to crawl under the covers once again but his bladder was suggesting otherwise. So he silently walked to the bathroom and then tiptoed back to his bed, because he didn’t want to wake Minhyuk up. When he at last felt like he could settle down, he covered himself with the comforter up to his chin and closed his eyes, lethargy still lingering on his eyelids.
It wasn’t until he felt the mattress creaking under someone's foreign weight and smiled with his eyes closed. Minhyuk sat on top of him, his knees right next to Jiho's hips and unceremoniously placed palms on Jiho's bare stomach.
"Wake up!" The older of them said, jumping ever so slightly. Jiho groaned and couldn't help the smile that reached up to his sleepy eyes. "Come on, sit up so I can hug you!"
"You can hug me later, baby." But Minhyuk was stubborn and he would never accept that as an answer.
Minhyuk grabbed his shoulders and pulled him up, with a surprising amount of strength in his thin, slender arms. Jiho was sitting up straight then, making a great effort to fully awaken. He felt Minhyuk's warm embrace grow tighter, and he buried his face in the crook of the auburn boy's neck. It was way better than the comforter and his fluffy pillow, he thought, as he wrapped his arms around Minhyuk's waist. He smiled contently.
"Happy birthday," Minhyuk whispered close to his ear. "I'm so glad I was roomed with you." Burying his fingers in Jiho's messy hair, Minhyuk kissed him, slow and precise yet wild enough to make him crave for more of his thin lips.
Jiho wondered if Minhyuk had planned that from the start, but he couldn't find enough will power to ask him. Clothes were discarded shortly after that and Jiho couldn't keep his hands in one place, couldn't tear his eyes away from Minhyuk's slim body. He was fully awake now, kissing and nibbling on every inch of skin he could.
What started as a trying-to-be-innocent kiss ended up as birthday sex.
In the aftermath of it all, lying in bed with Minyuk. memories began flooding back into his mind.
He remembered his birthday last year, and how all of his school friends and Jaehyo, his boyfriend then (and perhaps still now unofficially), showed up for the party. He remembered the huge bowl of popcorn and beers lining up on the table of his living room. He remembered last year’s party, with a a movie that no one paid attention to, inside jokes and cold pizza. He remembered how Jaehyo bought him a couple of shirts, new glasses, and a Hello Kitty cap.
But this year, the memories he would make would be different.
He would no longer stay at home get and sleep under the same blanket as Jaehyo. He wouldn't let himself accept it, but he missed those times.
He kind of missed him.
It was half past three in the afternoon when they finally decided to get out of their dorm.
Minhyuk managed to drag Jiho out of bed and forced him to change into decent clothes to go and have lunch at the nearby starbucks.
Jiho never considered himself to be lucky.
He didn't believe in karma and never really paid attention to stuff like that. But when he saw Jaehyo standing in the hallway with a bucket of flowers on his right hand and a gift in his left hand, he thought, for once, he was the unluckiest creature to ever exist. He felt suffocated, and his brain ran out of thoughts to process and oxygen to function. Like a reflex, he let go of Minhyuk's hand, leaving his own hands hanging on his sides.
Jaehyo tried his best to get it together, eventually closing his mouth as his head tried to fit in the many thoughts that invaded him. It was the knowing look in his eyes that made Jiho shiver. Minhyuk's face went from surprised to confused, because neither Jiho or Jaehyo would say something. Finally, Jaehyo rapidly walked towards them and shoved the roses and the gifts into Jiho's unwilling hands. He mumbled a reluctant "Happy Birthday" and turned on his heel.
Jiho tried to catch his wrist and apologize, but as soon as Jaehyo felt his hand touch his skin he shook his arm and winced, frowning with disgust and anger soaking his pretty features. Minhyuk stood there, silent, watching the wordless interaction.
And Jiho could only stand and stare, wondering how he had ever thought this could have worked out.
♦
Jaehyo was sitting on the other side of the table, staring into nothing in particular through the window, his coffee long forgotten on the table.
Jiho flexed and unfurled his fingers, trying to come up with an explanation. Maybe he didn’t need to give a long story explaining it all, but he still felt responsible for saying something, anything - about how unexpected and weird it was for him too, about how he didn't mean to give into Minhyuk but how he couldn't help it.
But instead, he started with the simplest thing he could manage: an apology, pleading eyes full of emotions and regret over how complicated their situation had become.
"I'm sorry." He looked up with a tired gaze to meet Jaehyo's equally lost eyes. Jaehyo’s eyes were puffy and his voice was hoarse, and Jiho tried hard not to think of Jaehyo crying for hours, trying to stop the tears from flowing and choke back his own sobs.
"I… I saw you looking at him." Jaehyo stumbled over his own words, looking down into the still full mug of coffee. "But I never really thought…"
His words drifted away, and then Jaehyo added: "You're so transparent, you know that?" The older boy snorted. “I knew you liked him from the moment I came that weekend and we went to the concert together.”
Jiho, however, couldn't bring himself to see the bitter humor in these words.
"I really don't know what happened. I was sure I felt something so strong for you and then- "
"It's okay, Jiho."
"No, it's not. Listen to me." He carefully placed his words into the tense air. "There’s no excuse for what I did. You deserve someone so much better. I’m not asking you to forgive me right now. I just - I just wanted you to know I didn't do it on purpose. A-And I feel like shit." His confession brought his brows close and closer together with every heavy word that poured out from his mouth.
Jaehyo looked at him, with his round orbs full of expectation that dissipated in a few seconds. He sighed and rubbed his forehead with his fingers at length.
"Good. That's how it usually goes." Jaehyo mumbled, taking a tiny sip of his coffee. Jiho nodded, accepting the guilt brushing his skin with open arms. "You hesitated a lot, you know, when we first talked about it. Before you left. " He casually added, intentionally hiding the hurt texture of his words.
"I'm sorry."
Those words were all he could keep repeating in his head.
♦
He was walking back home, slowly dragging his feet on the sidewalk. He kept his head up, staring at no point in particular, features void of any emotion. He felt as if he had taken the wrong paths, and now he was lost, standing in the middle of his own fearful mind. He was now stuck with his guilt and regret. The air around him felt thick, suffocating and intoxicating, as if it wasn't his to breathe.
He thought, as he brushed shoulders with someone, that maybe- just maybe, he could still find his way back. Fix things, glue the pieces of his and Jaehyo's relationship together. It wouldn't be the same, because the scars would remain, they'd change the texture of everything.
He thought about everything he had left back at home and everything he had found in his new city, his new life. Jiho was well aware that he had left behind so much more than he could get in there. He stopped walking mid-step, trying to get his thoughts in place.
He vaguely wondered if he could get Jaehyo back.
He briefly thought about the possibilities, about the chances. He thought about Jaehyo's sincere eyes, his warm hands and the shade of pink he would always blush whenever Jiho called him "babe".
How far was he willing to go to get him back? How much was he willing to give up?
And then, while his mind was spinning and his thoughts getting blurry at the ends, Minhyuk's stoic face flashed in. Jiho believed, amidst all the chaos in his mind, that Minhyuk and him were very different. Minhyuk could easily move on, forget and look up to keep his steps in a straight line. He could gracefully skip over things, let go and remain untouched. Unlike Jiho, who had to hold onto someone and couldn't simply forget and go on further, he who held his memories close to his chest.
He arrived at the dorms when the hallways were deafeningly silent. He opened the door as quietly as he could, and tiptoed his way across the room. He certainly did not want to talk to anyone, much less Minhyuk. But of course, things would never go the way he wanted them to.
"Are you okay?" Minhyuk's calm voice echoed between the walls. He let out a soft hum in response, taking his shoes off, followed by his jacket. "Look, I know what's going on." Minhyuk admitted, and then sighed audibly.
"Why are you still talking to me, Minhyuk?" Jiho asked, voice tired and frustrated. He wasn't blaming Minhyuk for anything that happened, of course not, but as he put himself in the older's shoes, he figured he wasn't worth the word.
"Because we have to talk."
"Have we." He slipped off his pants and sat on the edge of his bed. He let his upper body fall and bounce on the mattress, the tiredness of his bones soaking the sheets underneath him. His last words were followed by a long silence. He sighed and covered his eyes with his arm, again in a loss of words.
"I'm sorry. I acted like a total douche." He breathed out, the sour taste of these words lingering on his tongue a bit too much. He could hear Minhyuk's even breathing in the room.
"You really did. And if you don't do something to get yourself together, you’ll keep on acting as one." He didn't sound angry at all. Somehow, Jiho wanted him to be. He deserved a punch in the face or worse. But then again, he figured Minhyuk was considerably unpredictable. He couldn't guess his next actions, his words, he couldn't even figure out what most of his facial expressions meant.
"You should go back with him." Minhyuk suggested, and Jiho could see the small shrug he'd always give.
"Seriously?"
"I'm breaking up with you. You're free to go after him."
♦
A week after that, he skipped his classes and got his documents back, saying he had to go back to his hometown due family issues. He threw his belongings into his suitcases and hurriedly took a shower. He waited for Jihoon in front of the door of his dorm, with his humid hair and fresh face.
"Is something wrong?" Jiho heard Taeil's slightly high pitched voice in the hallway and turned to see him, giving a weak smile and shaking his head.
"Just came to see you, guys. Is Jihoon still in class?"
"Yeah, he'll be back in an hour or two. Why aren't you in class, though?" Taeil blinked curiously at him and waited for his response. It was hard to explain, he realized, but he had to. He had previously decided to make things right from now on.
"I'm leaving. I'm going back to my hometown, I just came to say goodbye." He sheepishly announced, and he didn't feel strong enough to face Taeil's baffled expression.
"You're dropping out of school? Is everything okay?" Taeil insisted, approaching him cautiously. Jiho shook his head.
"I'll continue my studies there. And not exactly, there’s just something I have to fix." He calmly said, a thin string of hope hanging loose on his words. He approached Taeil, then, and gave him a warm and awkward hug. Taeil was smaller than him; he was shorter and had a smaller body frame, so he could easily wrap his arms around him. "Tell Jihoon I came to say goodbye, okay?" He felt Taeil's nod against him.
"Don't forget to visit us sometime."
He took a train, looked for the emptiest place to sit in and placed his belongings near him.
For the entire ride back home, an odd sort of calm fell over Jiho as he sat aboard the vaguely rocking vehicle. It was almost as if the passive faces all around him - people who, just like him, had somewhere to be and someone to see - were enough to remind him that his decision wasn’t in vain. The scenery rushing by between the blockades created by tunnel and bridge walls reminded him of the most important thing of all: everything that happened could become just a blurred memory if he wasn’t careful. It would take willingness to change to make things right - if he could even make things right at all.
Time was of the essence now, and he didn’t have much of it. But he had to try.
Strangely enough, Jiho felt like he had only been gone for a week.
He walked down the same old streets, going through the same routes he used to take to get to their apartment. He thought about his parents, the disappointment in his mother's deep eyes and the tired scowl in his father's face. He pledged to make it up to them, and that was something he knew would be in his power to do.
As for Jaehyo…that was a whole different story.
♦
It was exactly as he remembered it.
There they were, the beige walls with a few photos hanging on them: photos of random trips and places their group of friends had gone to. There they were, too, the same old brown couches and cushions in a living room adjacent to the small kitchen with an even smaller table in. There they were, the same two rooms and a bathroom, nothing less and nothing more.
Jaehyo was under the door frame, his eyes round like a pair of coins, his mouth open as if his jaw would nearly touch the floor any moment. Jiho felt the words slip off his tongue and fall back into his throat as soon as he saw Jaehyo's baffled face. They stared at each other for several seconds - Jaehyo's eyes alternating between Jiho's surroundings, checking if there was someone else with him and Jiho's stone-like face.
It was Jiho who broke the suffocating silence, clearing his throat awkwardly.
"Hey." Jiho mumbled. Jaehyo's brows grew closer after he heard the younger's insecure voice. "Can I come in?"
Jaehyo hesitated at first. He had a pen in his hand and he was wearing his reading glasses, along with a loose shirt and sweatpants. He felt a sharp tug at his chest, but still nodded wordlessly, stepping aside for Jiho to walk in.
"I didn't expect you to come any time soon." Jaehyo said, as Jiho slowly made his way to the one of the couches.
"I came as soon as I could… because I have something to tell you." Jiho slowly let the words roll off his tongue, as if he was afraid some of them might not be heard by the older.
"What about your classes?" Jaehyo asked, biting his lips worriedly, even if he tried to hide it. The look in his face made Jiho's stomach churn violently, but he did his best to keep his face straight.
"Don't worry about that." he breathed out. "I'll take care of it later." Jaehyo's wary expression hadn't abandoned his face, but he still shrugged and sat on the opposite couch to Jiho's.
A heavy silence fell between them, and the air felt considerably thicker with the two of them in the living room.
Jiho couldn't help but remember when he lived there for god knows how long, with the same boring walls around them and Jaehyo's naggy voice calling him from the kitchen. ("It's your turn to wash the dishes! Get your ass over here!" He would yell, taking off his lime green apron.)
"I know I fucked up." Jiho started, resting his elbows on his knees. Jaehyo rolled his eyes as soon as he heard those words, but even so, Jiho kept on. "I know you have all the right in the world to hate me, but…I know you don't. At least not yet."
"So what's the point in you telling me all this?" Jaehyo asked.
"I want to fix things. I want us to be together again - I want everything to be like it used to be." He declared, his voice strangled and desperate. Jaehyo couldn't meet his eyes, and avoided his gaze as much as he could.
"Oh, really?" Jaehyo said, fighting back a snort. "I don't think it's going to be possible just because you want it." His voice was suddenly hoarse and weak, and even if he tried to sound defensive, he could only speak as if he was trying his hardest not to let his resolve crumble.
Little did Jiho know that Jaehyo really was trying his hardest not to let his resolve crumble.
Jaehyo hadn't cried since he found out about Jiho and Minhyuk.
He wanted to so badly, but he wouldn't let himself fall apart. His eyes got unbearably teary but still, his pride was much stronger than he ever imagined. He held inside the hurt, the broken words, and all the fake hopes he built while he was on his own those lonely months.
He wanted to move on, but he obviously couldn't find the strength to do so.
"Please, let me fix this. I know I can make things right this time." Jiho said, bringing his hands together to stop them from shaking slightly.
Jaehyo was never one to hide his feelings. He was so clear in his eyes, sincere and not afraid to show off a piece of his heart. He couldn't even hide the hurt feelings, the disappointment and the fear of being hurt again that were hanging on the brim of his eyes.
"You make it sound so easy, Jiho. It's not a fucking game, you know? You can't just press 'reset' and start again as many times as you need to." Jaehyo spat, words pouring out of his mouth rapidly. His tone went up a little higher and usual and even Jiho was surprised. "You can't just walk into the apartment and say those things." he added a few seconds after, his voice drowning with every word until it was a quiet whisper.
Jaehyo's words echoed through the walls, even after they'd fallen into the dense silence from earlier.
When he saw Jaehyo's lips pressed into a thin line, and his eyes flooded with empathy and what seemed like pity, he finally realized it.
He had been really naive to think Jaehyo would run back into his embrace just like that. He had been dumb to think he could try and glue things back together with a couple of words. He had been dumb in general.
"I…"
"I know it wasn't your intention." Jaehyo spoke before he could think of something worth saying. "But you didn't stop it either."
Jiho gulped and nodded in response, his eyes trailing down until they met the floor.
"I really love you." Jiho said, without looking up at any moment. These words were hard to pronounce, he believed, they were heavy and so meaningful. But he absolutely meant it when he said it. "I'm sorry I had to screw things up to realize it. I'm sorry I had to hurt you in order to open my eyes, and I'm sorry I came here without telling you first." Jiho said, lastly, and stood up rigidly.
Jaehyo's mouth was hanging open as he watched Jiho walk away, his mind completely baffled and out of his senses. He caught up to the younger one in an instant, body moving of its own will, and grabbed Jiho’s wrist.
"Wait. Are you really leaving now?" Jaehyo mumbled. Jiho's trail of thoughts stopped before he could reach out for the doorknob.
" I don't think I have anything else to say." Jiho replied, reluctant and somehow destroyed.
"Well, I do. I'm not going to forgive you just yet, I can't do that. It hurt, you know? It hurt because I trusted you so much. But I love you too," Jaehyo's words were soft and light in the air. Jiho felt his heart drop to his knees, "and I can't just let you go like this."
"But-"
"So…please. Give me some time. If you really love me, give me some time." Jaehyo spoke with a pleading voice that sounded scared yet hopeful. Scared yet hopeless.
"Are things going to be like they were before?" Jiho asked, still in mild shock.
"Well, we could start by just trying to be friends again.” Jaehyo was unsure of his own words, but he let them roll out without a doubt anyway. “We'll see what happens…and if things work out differently from there, then we’ll see."
Wait and see. The concept wasn’t a foreign one to either of them.
He was still afraid of trusting Jiho, still afraid he might lose him again and let him slip between his fingers whenever he wasn't looking, but at least Jaehyo could be comforted by how afraid Jiho seemed as well.
Perhaps Jiho was afraid of his own mistakes, too. He knew he was weak and easily distracted, but of course the time he spent without Jaehyo made him realize that he was too attached to drift away so easily. They both made a promise here and now, and no matter how little the guarantee, it was time to see if they could try to turn back time again.
He wouldn't let it drift away - or let them drift apart - a second time.