Since someone asked...
Below is a response to a brief snippet from this post by karma_sue. In context it really doesn’t relate to the experience K is relating, but the question posed touched a deep cord in me. It’s not something I’m normally inclined to talk about, but neither is it the sort of thing that often presents itself the opportunity to be brought to light. I beg everyone’s indulgence as I move away from my normally detached, and somewhat lighthearted, approach to this livejournal.
Have you ever had a sexual relationship with someone you couldn't kiss? Have you ever shared the same space with someone, the same bed with someone, the same food and the same music and the same air and the same skin with someone, who you couldn't kiss?
Yes, I have. Only it was her choice, not some externally imposed rule. It was one of the worst forms of emotional abuse imaginable. It became an all consuming obsession for me. We were as close as two people could be; we knew each other inside and out. We shared the darkest parts of ourselves, and then feed that darkness in one another. But she never let me forget that no matter how often we had sex, we were never lovers. She was brilliant that way, reminding me always that I might be good enough to fuck, but I wasn’t good enough to kiss. Self esteem became less than a consideration; I became totally dependant upon her approval, completely submissive to her. Those of us who have grown somewhat casual in our physical interactions with others can easily forget how much intimacy is contained in a kiss, how much a kiss can become necessary to make the sexual act complete. You find yourself willing to do anything to receive that confirmation that you are a human being, desirable, worthy of love. The emotional wounds of such an unhealthy relationship are still with me today, not fully healed.
Have you ever had a sexual relationship with someone you couldn't kiss? Have you ever shared the same space with someone, the same bed with someone, the same food and the same music and the same air and the same skin with someone, who you couldn't kiss?
Yes, I have. Only it was her choice, not some externally imposed rule. It was one of the worst forms of emotional abuse imaginable. It became an all consuming obsession for me. We were as close as two people could be; we knew each other inside and out. We shared the darkest parts of ourselves, and then feed that darkness in one another. But she never let me forget that no matter how often we had sex, we were never lovers. She was brilliant that way, reminding me always that I might be good enough to fuck, but I wasn’t good enough to kiss. Self esteem became less than a consideration; I became totally dependant upon her approval, completely submissive to her. Those of us who have grown somewhat casual in our physical interactions with others can easily forget how much intimacy is contained in a kiss, how much a kiss can become necessary to make the sexual act complete. You find yourself willing to do anything to receive that confirmation that you are a human being, desirable, worthy of love. The emotional wounds of such an unhealthy relationship are still with me today, not fully healed.