Guilt
I feel guilty.
Every time I've gotten fired from a job because I fell asleep or something similar, people always suggested I go on disability. Living without medical insurance makes things difficult and unfortunately, I don't qualify for Medicaid unless I'm disabled or a mother. The doctors say I'm disabled because of my breathing and sleep apnea and weight problems and nearly diabetic condition and my hormone imbalances. But...I just don't FEEL disabled. I feel like I should be out working, that I'm being dishonest somehow. I mean, yeah I had the surgery. And my doctor who did my surgery is the best ever, and he says that he can't see how I was even alive, much less functioning with my condition like it was. And he says I need allergy testing and weekly allergy shots again and I can't afford that out of pocket. The vials of serum alone run into the hundreds of dollars.
So I go to social services and I get food stamps. And I just feel so...dishonest. Like I'm taking something away from people that might really need it. Mom says that I pay my taxes and I've fought hard to work and be self sufficient and a good citizen through the years and now that I need some help to get back to good health, she doesn't think it's a bit dishonest. I'm glad she can be so zen about it, because it bothers me alot. I'm just so afraid that if I get on disability, I won't get off of it. Of course, the fact that if I'm on disability, my college tuition, room and board and books are all paid for free and clear is tempting. But I still feel bad about it. How do I reconcile everyone saying I need it and me not really wanting it?
Every time I've gotten fired from a job because I fell asleep or something similar, people always suggested I go on disability. Living without medical insurance makes things difficult and unfortunately, I don't qualify for Medicaid unless I'm disabled or a mother. The doctors say I'm disabled because of my breathing and sleep apnea and weight problems and nearly diabetic condition and my hormone imbalances. But...I just don't FEEL disabled. I feel like I should be out working, that I'm being dishonest somehow. I mean, yeah I had the surgery. And my doctor who did my surgery is the best ever, and he says that he can't see how I was even alive, much less functioning with my condition like it was. And he says I need allergy testing and weekly allergy shots again and I can't afford that out of pocket. The vials of serum alone run into the hundreds of dollars.
So I go to social services and I get food stamps. And I just feel so...dishonest. Like I'm taking something away from people that might really need it. Mom says that I pay my taxes and I've fought hard to work and be self sufficient and a good citizen through the years and now that I need some help to get back to good health, she doesn't think it's a bit dishonest. I'm glad she can be so zen about it, because it bothers me alot. I'm just so afraid that if I get on disability, I won't get off of it. Of course, the fact that if I'm on disability, my college tuition, room and board and books are all paid for free and clear is tempting. But I still feel bad about it. How do I reconcile everyone saying I need it and me not really wanting it?