(no subject)
I have that feeling agian. Its another one of those days. I just feel so pissed off at my life. Never did i ever think that after 19 years of living with me in the same house, raising and even giving birth to me you wouldnt have the slightest clue who i am. You wake me up just to yell at me and let me know how much of a disapointment i am to be in your family. You assume that i am always up to no good even though i work all the time.. you probally have no idea i work two full tyme jobs, you never care anymore. I'll be out with my friends or at work and people always ask me " why are you so happy all the time"? its because i'm not here. i'm not getting yelled at for somthing that happened a year ago. I kno that i am being accepted by them, and i'm not at home. When i was little every time i fell and got hurt you payed sooo much attenchion to me, i strive for that attenchion now but never get it. You make me feel like your life is misrable becase i'm in it messing it up. I actually hear you say that sometimes. Do you have any idea how damaging your words are? I came home late the other night and you called me a hooker. I cryed. You always smell me when i come home, you dont trust me. It hurts. I cant bring home any of my friends with out you commenting on their race, or color. And if i do, you'll try and say that i am trying to be somebody else! NO I"M NOT I AM THAT SOME BODY ELSE. LOVE ME FOR WHO I AM. Please..please. I really wish i could just come home and talk to you like you love me and actually cared about my day. With out that forcefull look on your face and the short choppy comments. Its always my weight i'm sorry that i cant be as small as you'd likeme to be. I really do just want you to like me. and i dont want to have to change my whole image and persoanllity just to get an i love you. I will loose weight ..but until then love me. I am going through a very tuff tyme in my life. I am trying to decide my future, i'm learning alot about money and managing people. I bet you dont even know that i envy you. I want to be like you. But you make it seem like i cant even come close.i hope i never end up like that. I want some one to love me and accept me, JUST FOR WHO I AM RIGHT NOW, i want you to be willing to stand beside me and say thats my daughter. God. i just want to break down and cry, but my face wont let me. My body is cold n' my legs are weak. I feel soo ugly. hold me up god while i'm so weak please help me i cannot speak. Its not "whats wrong meg?" its "why me". I want you to say to me one day "good job". I want you to smile at me. Not only is my heart broken from your cold hearted words, but there is nothing left of me. You had torn out every last vein in my body and hung it up like a certificate of "look who i hurt". Its like your proud you finally got to me. Finally isnt even the word, its been like this all my life. And now it's gotten to the point where i just want to die. I want to save you the pain that i cause you. You say i'm killing you and the family and how much better it was when i was gone. That was only 3 months i was gone.. imagine forever. You'd be so happy. And then i whould kno THAT FINALLY i did somthing to make you smile.