The State of Skeebs...so far
As you’ve probably realized by now, I’m not the most diligent when it comes to keeping a record of my thoughts. They run rampant these days, so much so that I get interrupted when I’m trying to concentrate on a single one. It seems that these days pass so quickly-months go by and I don’t notice until they are at their ends. My days are filled with work, study, and sleep-the last of which is incredibly hard to come by. I rarely have time to sit idle at the computer as I once did, which makes correspondence erratic. My friends, I have not forgotten about you, as I am not one to forget the people most important to me, I just ask your patience with my inconsistent nature.
These last few months I have been in a flux; dealing with one’s own demons is a time-consuming thing, and causes me to lose many hours of rest. Until I can isolate the cause of my relapse, be it chemical or hormone-based, I will continue to stay as neutral as I am able. Needless to say, I have been pushed to my mental limits and crashed-resulting in a nasty bout of sinusitis and bronchitis, from which I am still recovering. If anyone were to say that stress can be easily removed from one’s life by meditation-I will challenge them on that. It buries itself in your body and wreaks havoc on everything inside-a body under constant stress will collapse…all that it needs is the right opportunity.
In a job that once was peaceful, stress has changed it completely. What I do is not supposed to be a stressful position, I am supposed to work quietly behind the scenes and fix the mistakes of others---but now, upper management has seen fit to institute a quota (which I completely despise and think are ridiculous) and shortened the period in which I have to complete my task. Now I am being watched and taken note of, which makes me, a neurotic, completely paranoid. This almost confirms my suspicions that a certain party would love nothing better than to see me unemployed. Since our store manager has gotten promoted, and our new one has yet to take the reins, the political climate has changed for the worse. Since there is no one to keep these hens in check, they (being empty women) are using every opportunity to say and do what they could not before to their peons. I had expected this to happen. I act as if I am ignorant of their rules when confronted, but in truth, I can see right through their motives. It angers me that they feel they can abuse their positions like this-were I a manager, I would have more respect for my people. To me, that is not leadership that is insecurity. I get angry and my fellow co-workers can see that I am seething, but I show none of that to management. Why would I put up with such a thing? For one, I am biding my time by acting nonplussed; and two, if they can see my anger behind my mask, then they have found a tool to manipulate me. And for those of you who know me best, you know that I have a strong will, and will not be pushed. I have always held the belief that if you give a man some rope and time, he will eventually hang himself. But I know that years down the road, I will look back at this experience and see it as an exercise in patience. God is testing me, I am sure of it. If I can get through this period of my life without having to commit suicide, I think I can handle anything.
Update:
I’ve buckled down and have just been working hard-keeping myself as busy at work as possible. I’ve decided that the only way to beat this is to not give the managers any rope to hang me with. In other news, I am now in a real-honest-to-God-relationship with the guy I’ve been dating for the past 5 months. It’s even escalated to the occasional use of the “L” word. As far as most couples go, we’re not mushy-oh sure, I call him the standard “babe”, “baby-cakes”, or “sweetie”, but most of our pet names aren’t romantic in the least. I’m not rebelling against romanticism, just the horrendous smarmy displays that most couples put on. This means that I will never call my loved one “pookie” or “sweetums” or anything else of that nature. I get a bad taste in my mouth just writing about it. Don’t get me wrong-we have our moments, and they are sweet. Like the other day, we were in bed, and he gave me one of the best compliments I’ve ever heard; I asked him why he was squinting, and he said that he had to shut his eyes because the sight before him was so dazzling. Honestly, that’s a far cry from the standard “baby, you’re so hot”-it was poetic. We’ve had so much fun together-we recently went to a jazz club downtown called Churchill Grounds and saw a group from Athens named “Squat”. They were awesome! They sang as their encore the happiest song I ever heard about una morga de Panama ( a morgue in Panama), and even pulled out some Thelonius Monk, Ray Charles, and Hank Williams. Afterwards, we went to Loca Luna (my new fave spot to dance in-love the salsa!) and danced until we dropped-or until we successfully knocked the teeth out of anyone in our vicinity. For the 4th of July, we saw the most amazing fireworks at a house-party in Avondale Estates and took a few shots of homemade moonshine---a substance I will NEVER touch for a very long, long time! So at least my romantic life is in balance for once.