If I Gave You My Heart, Would You Return It in a Million Pieces?
Today, my heart got the ax. Brett and I are no longer dating. Talk about amazing timing. I asked him if we were still on, and he said he didn't think it was a good idea for him to be in a relationship-- too bad he couldn't have alerted me to that fact before he started acting like a boyfriend. I got the news on my lunch break-- maybe I could've held off a little longer, since he wasn't sure if he wanted to talk about it "right now" and asked me how much time I had. So he told me his answer, and I told him how rude I thought it was for him to lead me on like that-- to which he jumped in and said he didn't lead me on, and that lead to to talk getting a bit ugly. The fact of the matter was, that I probably told him something he didn't want to hear--something that other girls he dated may or may not have told him in the past. When it got ugly, he was the first to apologize. When I said that what we had was "an arrangement", he automatically interjected and said that we were dating and that we were almost bf/gf. Even when I made a comment about it obviously not being mutual, he said that it wasn't true; that the feelings are mutual and that he still really liked me and said a few things about how I was nice, genuine, and great to talk to (translation: I like you, but dating you doesn't seem to be on my agenda right now--or I'm trying to push you away b/c I can't figure out what to do with myself). Rejection is a deep wound, especially for me, and after dealing with heartbreak after heartbreak this year, I'm all out of heart.
I made a comment about not knowing if I should keep in contact with him, and he said that he still wanted to talk over the phone. He was quite adamant in securing the rights to continue talking to me. I told him I probably wouldn't call him for a while, but that if he wanted to talk to me, he could still call me. On one hand, I would love nothing better than to continue our conversations, but on the other, it might lead me to believe that some glimmer of hope was there. See my dilemma? I could just re-classify him as a friend and tuck away all the feelings I have for him, but that's easier said than done. When I offered to send him the jacket he left, he said to keep it, because he said he had a feeling he would see me soon. I could be a bitch and just sell it over ebay or to a consignment shop, and possibly make some dough, but I don't think the curtain has fallen on this one. I don't want to give myself a false hope, but when he says something like that, it kinda makes me wonder. He still won't go into detail about what's going on with him (although I have my hypotheses), which mkes me nervous. If it happens that he's putting me on hold for another girl, I will be so incredibly pissed that I can't say what I'll do. Probably swear off men forever and forget that he ever existed. I don't know...
Maybe I'm confused because I think of the world as either black or white; that either I'm wanted or not, and if not, then you don't register in my life. The fact that someone would appear to really like me and then drop me like a hot potato is something I can't conceive of, especially when I have been nothing short of nice and reciprocal in my behavior. Instead of proactive, I'm reactive--if someone behaves as if he's my boyfriend, then I will tend to behave in a reciprocal manner until I sense something isn't right. And that's just what I did with Brett: he initiated everything boyfriend-like, and I just responded...all the while waiting for the other shoe to drop. Which is what I told him--that it wasn't me who went too fast, it was him, and that I thought that's what he wanted. And after we had our conversation, he assured me that he still wanted to talk to me and that he would wait until I'm ready. By that time, I was crying. I had gotten some food from Chik-Fil-A, but I couldn't taste it, much less eat all of it. So I called Mikey and told him the bad news. And like the great friend he is, he comforted me as best he could as I tried to compose myself before going back to work. My buddy at work, Nick, also seemed concerned for me and gave me insight about the whole situation and tried to comfort me as well. But all the comforting in the world didn't help the fact that my day sucked worse than a two-dollar hooker.
When I got back to work, I was forced to wear the "customer service kiosk"--basically, the equivalent of a sandwich-board--and badger customers to get gift cards or memberships. As I was already feeling shitty, this intensified it. I didn't want to talk to people, much less try to sell them something that is a voluntary decision on their part. So I endured it for 4 hours. It seemed like the day would never end. After work, I got Beth to join me for some Japanese food at Yamato b/c I needed some comfort food and I was absolutely starving b/c my lunch was ruined. Afterwards, we headed back to B&N b/c of some ppl she wanted to see and b/c I needed some chocolate. After that, I watched Clerks and tried to get as drunk as I possibly could.
Today, I'm still not feeling too hot, but I realized (through my panel of experts) that maybe I should just go on with my life and wait to see if he does anything. Ironically, I haven't lost much self-esteem over this, because now I realize how good of a catch I really am. If any man is stupid enough to walk away from someone who would be as good to them as I was to Brett during our time together as a couple, then they truly don't deserve happiness.
And I don't regret being nice to him, because now he's had a preview of what could have been. Because I'm not a person who runs hot and cold when it comes to relationships--if I love a person, I love them until they do something to force me not to love them--this fact I realized as I looked back on my relationship with Samir. That up to the bitter end, I loved him, even though he stopped loving me a couple of years back. So that's the story, so far. I don't know what will happen next, because it's really not in my control. I guess I'll leave it up to the Man Upstairs to decide this fate I'm wrestling with. He's the only one who knows.
I made a comment about not knowing if I should keep in contact with him, and he said that he still wanted to talk over the phone. He was quite adamant in securing the rights to continue talking to me. I told him I probably wouldn't call him for a while, but that if he wanted to talk to me, he could still call me. On one hand, I would love nothing better than to continue our conversations, but on the other, it might lead me to believe that some glimmer of hope was there. See my dilemma? I could just re-classify him as a friend and tuck away all the feelings I have for him, but that's easier said than done. When I offered to send him the jacket he left, he said to keep it, because he said he had a feeling he would see me soon. I could be a bitch and just sell it over ebay or to a consignment shop, and possibly make some dough, but I don't think the curtain has fallen on this one. I don't want to give myself a false hope, but when he says something like that, it kinda makes me wonder. He still won't go into detail about what's going on with him (although I have my hypotheses), which mkes me nervous. If it happens that he's putting me on hold for another girl, I will be so incredibly pissed that I can't say what I'll do. Probably swear off men forever and forget that he ever existed. I don't know...
Maybe I'm confused because I think of the world as either black or white; that either I'm wanted or not, and if not, then you don't register in my life. The fact that someone would appear to really like me and then drop me like a hot potato is something I can't conceive of, especially when I have been nothing short of nice and reciprocal in my behavior. Instead of proactive, I'm reactive--if someone behaves as if he's my boyfriend, then I will tend to behave in a reciprocal manner until I sense something isn't right. And that's just what I did with Brett: he initiated everything boyfriend-like, and I just responded...all the while waiting for the other shoe to drop. Which is what I told him--that it wasn't me who went too fast, it was him, and that I thought that's what he wanted. And after we had our conversation, he assured me that he still wanted to talk to me and that he would wait until I'm ready. By that time, I was crying. I had gotten some food from Chik-Fil-A, but I couldn't taste it, much less eat all of it. So I called Mikey and told him the bad news. And like the great friend he is, he comforted me as best he could as I tried to compose myself before going back to work. My buddy at work, Nick, also seemed concerned for me and gave me insight about the whole situation and tried to comfort me as well. But all the comforting in the world didn't help the fact that my day sucked worse than a two-dollar hooker.
When I got back to work, I was forced to wear the "customer service kiosk"--basically, the equivalent of a sandwich-board--and badger customers to get gift cards or memberships. As I was already feeling shitty, this intensified it. I didn't want to talk to people, much less try to sell them something that is a voluntary decision on their part. So I endured it for 4 hours. It seemed like the day would never end. After work, I got Beth to join me for some Japanese food at Yamato b/c I needed some comfort food and I was absolutely starving b/c my lunch was ruined. Afterwards, we headed back to B&N b/c of some ppl she wanted to see and b/c I needed some chocolate. After that, I watched Clerks and tried to get as drunk as I possibly could.
Today, I'm still not feeling too hot, but I realized (through my panel of experts) that maybe I should just go on with my life and wait to see if he does anything. Ironically, I haven't lost much self-esteem over this, because now I realize how good of a catch I really am. If any man is stupid enough to walk away from someone who would be as good to them as I was to Brett during our time together as a couple, then they truly don't deserve happiness.
And I don't regret being nice to him, because now he's had a preview of what could have been. Because I'm not a person who runs hot and cold when it comes to relationships--if I love a person, I love them until they do something to force me not to love them--this fact I realized as I looked back on my relationship with Samir. That up to the bitter end, I loved him, even though he stopped loving me a couple of years back. So that's the story, so far. I don't know what will happen next, because it's really not in my control. I guess I'll leave it up to the Man Upstairs to decide this fate I'm wrestling with. He's the only one who knows.