(no subject)
I’ve been back to school for two days now. I left break with a slight sense of excitement and hope; a wondering as to what was to come next. This interest in experiencing something is quickly leaving me as the reality of January and February is beginning to set in. I can look out my window into the grays and the whites and feel sick to my stomach. I’ve been locked in here all afternoon with the heater turned on high.
I don’t know what I’m waiting for. None of this is going to change. People don’t change. I’ll always be the quiet one, off to the side and isolated from the group. I don’t know why I even try. I guess I’m just waiting for that one great night where everything just sort of works out. My mood...the feelings of those around me...the night’s atmosphere. I’m waiting for a miracle. I don’t wanna make any fucking effort! I don’t wanna work for anything better! For all the work I put into my academic studies, I’m the laziest piece of shit I know! Damnit...I wanna change and control so much. My expectations of the world are far too high for my own good, and I’m far too lazy to actually try to affect a damn thing. It’s easier to just say it can’t be done, or I’m not strong enough. I don’t really know whether I am or not any more. I can’t help but be reminded of homecoming. I just get angry and frustrated.
I can’t get back into the rhythm of school. I make myself sick. I feel lazy and sloppy. I can’t make myself do anything. Nothing’s turning out to my liking. I have finals on the horizon. I need to start studying. FUCK! I have S&E, that I’m not ready for...
“I don’t care if it hurts!...I wanna have control!”
Oh my, it’s dead and ugly outside. Why haven’t I started my work? Wasn’t there that one thing where working hard and being smart gets you through school? Why is it all so out of my hands, then? What’s slipping? Something’s slipping from the inside out...I don’t get it!
I didn’t sleep a blink Sunday night. I could barely sleep Friday night or Saturday night. I saw the sun come up a few nights ago. I don’t remember which night. I just remember laying shivering in my room, hot and stuffy enough to choke most life forms. I went for a bottle of water, nevertheless. I saw it was starting to get light out, and I walked outside into the freezing. I went back to the woods, and stood in my usual place, and watched the coming day slowly color a gray world. It was beautiful...I’ve never been up early (late) enough to see the sun come up. It was nice to be forced to remember the world was bigger than my bedroom. It got warmer for a couple days, I recall. I took one evening to walk by myself, since no one was around to hang out with. I wandered around in Berkeley and Royal Oak for 3 or so hours. It was a nice way to clear my head, and I think it was pretty much the last warm evening.
Why do people always want to talk to school? Is that all there is to me? Actually...I can’t really think of anything else. Damnit...I guess it is.
I don’t know what I’m waiting for. None of this is going to change. People don’t change. I’ll always be the quiet one, off to the side and isolated from the group. I don’t know why I even try. I guess I’m just waiting for that one great night where everything just sort of works out. My mood...the feelings of those around me...the night’s atmosphere. I’m waiting for a miracle. I don’t wanna make any fucking effort! I don’t wanna work for anything better! For all the work I put into my academic studies, I’m the laziest piece of shit I know! Damnit...I wanna change and control so much. My expectations of the world are far too high for my own good, and I’m far too lazy to actually try to affect a damn thing. It’s easier to just say it can’t be done, or I’m not strong enough. I don’t really know whether I am or not any more. I can’t help but be reminded of homecoming. I just get angry and frustrated.
I can’t get back into the rhythm of school. I make myself sick. I feel lazy and sloppy. I can’t make myself do anything. Nothing’s turning out to my liking. I have finals on the horizon. I need to start studying. FUCK! I have S&E, that I’m not ready for...
“I don’t care if it hurts!...I wanna have control!”
Oh my, it’s dead and ugly outside. Why haven’t I started my work? Wasn’t there that one thing where working hard and being smart gets you through school? Why is it all so out of my hands, then? What’s slipping? Something’s slipping from the inside out...I don’t get it!
I didn’t sleep a blink Sunday night. I could barely sleep Friday night or Saturday night. I saw the sun come up a few nights ago. I don’t remember which night. I just remember laying shivering in my room, hot and stuffy enough to choke most life forms. I went for a bottle of water, nevertheless. I saw it was starting to get light out, and I walked outside into the freezing. I went back to the woods, and stood in my usual place, and watched the coming day slowly color a gray world. It was beautiful...I’ve never been up early (late) enough to see the sun come up. It was nice to be forced to remember the world was bigger than my bedroom. It got warmer for a couple days, I recall. I took one evening to walk by myself, since no one was around to hang out with. I wandered around in Berkeley and Royal Oak for 3 or so hours. It was a nice way to clear my head, and I think it was pretty much the last warm evening.
Why do people always want to talk to school? Is that all there is to me? Actually...I can’t really think of anything else. Damnit...I guess it is.