(no subject)
At last, I feel a definite sense of relief from both the monotony of these school days, and some of the anxiety I’ve been carrying. I arrived home last Friday feeling as if I’d find something over the course of the next few days to fill a deep mental chaos. With this void filled, I would come nearer contentment. Indeed, I feel somewhat well today, despite my standardized tests. The past years have been a series of abrupt changes; realizations; turning points. I wouldn’t consider anything which has occurred recently to be a turning point, nor do I believe I will see any for some time to come. Instead, my state of existence is a slow process of learning about myself and how the world works. “Monotony,” I would quickly label these days, yet they truly are not. There is still gain, and there is still loss; I am still growing and changing. But what is so subtly different now from how it was at this time last week? How do any of my emotions connect with what’s actually going on around me?
Friday night was bitter-sweet. I say this, knowing that no night ends perfectly (or even close to), but even with “new” tensions, I felt resolve. I’m glad my overreaction a couple weeks back didn’t end our friendships. After talking to you, it felt much better to have you in my house again. It’s sad for me to think how much different things are now from how they were the summer of ‘02...to think how much different I am from how I was. I’m sorry. I’m sorry I can’t change myself at will. I still hold on to memories, but I’ve long since given up on trying to resist change. I look forward to next week, and I hope things are even better.
I went to Caitlin’s birthday party on Saturday night. Overall, the night was enjoyable, but I felt a little bit out of place. In other words: I felt right at home, even among people I didn’t know very well. We went outside and watched the eclipse for a while, but it was very cold. I thought it was amazing, though. I haven’t ever seen a lunar eclipse before in my life. After this, I spent the rest of the evening in the basement talking to people (listening to people talk). I got to meet Caitlin’s Yu, who seems like a really sweet guy. The flowers were touching. It was neat watching him dance, too. Almost everyone else was really loud and crazy, but they told great jokes, and were generally just enjoyable to be around. Oh...and I think I met someone really special...
Sunday was as Sunday usually is - boring and full of dreads of the coming week. I couldn’t sleep well Sunday night with my PACTs looming the next morning. Naturally, I was wreck all day today, and didn’t even finish most of the sections on the test. I am extremely frustrated with myself, but I suppose I won’t worry too much about it because it was only practice; it isn’t worth my tears or blood. My biggest concern now is, instead, the impromptu papers we’re going to have to do for Suggs. We practiced today, and I couldn’t even really come up with a good thesis. I’ll take it in stride, though. I’ll do what I can in the evenings, and let the rest be. But I can’t help but think that the cycle is poised for recoil; and large changes from small ones react. I’m ready for another catastrophe.
Friday night was bitter-sweet. I say this, knowing that no night ends perfectly (or even close to), but even with “new” tensions, I felt resolve. I’m glad my overreaction a couple weeks back didn’t end our friendships. After talking to you, it felt much better to have you in my house again. It’s sad for me to think how much different things are now from how they were the summer of ‘02...to think how much different I am from how I was. I’m sorry. I’m sorry I can’t change myself at will. I still hold on to memories, but I’ve long since given up on trying to resist change. I look forward to next week, and I hope things are even better.
I went to Caitlin’s birthday party on Saturday night. Overall, the night was enjoyable, but I felt a little bit out of place. In other words: I felt right at home, even among people I didn’t know very well. We went outside and watched the eclipse for a while, but it was very cold. I thought it was amazing, though. I haven’t ever seen a lunar eclipse before in my life. After this, I spent the rest of the evening in the basement talking to people (listening to people talk). I got to meet Caitlin’s Yu, who seems like a really sweet guy. The flowers were touching. It was neat watching him dance, too. Almost everyone else was really loud and crazy, but they told great jokes, and were generally just enjoyable to be around. Oh...and I think I met someone really special...
Sunday was as Sunday usually is - boring and full of dreads of the coming week. I couldn’t sleep well Sunday night with my PACTs looming the next morning. Naturally, I was wreck all day today, and didn’t even finish most of the sections on the test. I am extremely frustrated with myself, but I suppose I won’t worry too much about it because it was only practice; it isn’t worth my tears or blood. My biggest concern now is, instead, the impromptu papers we’re going to have to do for Suggs. We practiced today, and I couldn’t even really come up with a good thesis. I’ll take it in stride, though. I’ll do what I can in the evenings, and let the rest be. But I can’t help but think that the cycle is poised for recoil; and large changes from small ones react. I’m ready for another catastrophe.