(no subject)
I've avoided coming on here and putting the my thoughts in words because I know she reads this all the time but I just don't care anymore. My ex doesn't know what she wants and I'm just the sucker to wait around and wonder if I'm it. I've spent 5 years with this woman. Friends to couple to engaged to friends. I mean I still see her, we talk everyday. We're just on a break, I guess. Something compels me to stay because I don't think you can stand someone for 5 years for nothing. Especially me, if I don't like the situation I'm out like a bad habit. She has witnessed this several time in our relationship together. Yet here I am, kicked out of the house, driving one of my dads old cars and I love her more and more. I do not like this vunerability one bit. I mean in my mind I should do what I always do, ignore her, cut her out. It's worked all the other times, I mean the bridges are burnt but who the fuck cares, they sucked anyway which is why I'm cutting them out. I have tried this tactic over and over again the past month and a half. What have I accomplished? I was at her place last night eating Taco Bell watching Weeds. This sucks and she won't let us act as a couple. LIke I can't hold her hand or kiss her goodnight because we aren't a couple anymore. But we both love each other so much. I know she is still in love with me, hench the boundaries, but we are we apart if we're in love with each other. I'm scared that one day she's gonna decide that we're done, which I will accept but I don't like this limbo that we are in. I'm not doing the friends well, she slept with another guy to just sleep with someone, I cried for 2 days. I know it meant nothing, and we were broken up but it hurt alot. I want to just leave but I love her to much, my heart won't let me and I really really hate this feeling. l'm sure this is not making any sense to anyone, I mean I sound like a fucking idiot but whatever. Any advice would be greatly appreciated. Thanks