(no subject)
When I was seven or eight years old, my dad asked my sister and I serious, but joking question:
Daddy: What do you want to be when you grow up?
Now, my sister didn't know - she wanted to be a preacher on Sunday, a lawyer during the week and a doctor at night. But I smiled brightly, sat forward in my seat (we were in our old bus, going to the Factory after school) and said, 'I'm going to be a doctor!'
And no one's ever let me forget it.
Then, i wanted to be a doctor because doctors got to work with blood. I was a bit of a TV buff (before mommy's 'no TV except at Christmas and sumer vacation!' ban from age 10-ish to 15) and I'd always see doctors stitching people up or cutting them apart and I thought it was the coolest thing ever.
Then, at some point i realized that no, blood was not all that and a bag of chips, and I decided to be a doctor because I wanted to be rich.
I was in my reading phase - well, i've always read everything from encyclopedias (read off all of 'J' because it had Japan!) and the dictionary, to food packaging and old posters on buildings. I was into trashy novels then, in high school - Harlequin romances with hot-blooded men and fiesty women - and there was always some rich as heck specialist who was being flown to help someone with a rare disease. At 13, I thought it was the sweetest deal - hot man and tons of money? Sign me up.
But then came the revelation - doctors are in school forever.
At this point I was reconsidering the 'doctor' thing. Tons of money didn't mean much to me if I wasn't going to be making it before I was over the hill at 30 and none of those hot men would be looking for me. But, my father was going around telling everyone who listened that I was going to be the 'best doctor ever' and my granny was being all 'hmm - i hope you'll take care of me before I get too old!'. And, being the more or less 'good' daughter I was, i wasn't about to disappoint anyone.
But, I'd realized being a doctor wasn't for me. Not because of the schooling or the blood. I realized I couldn't cope with being directly responsible for someone else's life. The idea of death, of someone dying because I'd made a simple mistake or because I was just too late, or because I could never have helped in the first place scared me to bits.
And that's when I realized - I still wanted to be n Medicine - not for the money or fame or plane trips - but because I wanted to help.
When I was... 16, maybe 17 my best friend had minor surgery and I went to the hospital with her. I stayed all day - skipped all my classes, although I'd promised my parents I'd leave when she went into Recovery. I stayed until the very end of the day when my parents came to pick me up. And i realized - while I could never handle being hands on with sickness and pain every day, I wanted to somehow, some way help people.
And in 2004, I watched 'Something the Lord Made' on HBO, starring Alan Rickman and Mos Def. Something about that movie that story, inspired me. I think that was the first time I realized I wanted to do research.
I came to the University of Toronto, still very unsure of what I was going to be doing. I took every science (except physics which i just don't get) and i kept my eye out for that perfect field for me. I knew I wasn't going to Medical school no way (but I hadn't told my parents yet).
Then, in my final biochemistry lecture (a second year course i was eligible for with my 1st year chem credit) Prof. Baker - who'd already gotten me fired up and interested with his lectures - told the story of the discovery of insulin just across the campus from where we sat.
It was like gates opened. I knew what i wanted to do, and for the first time in forever i was excited about science again. I applied for and was accepted to the Biochemistry major program and I'm on my way now.
Sometimes it gets really hard and i think 'God, what the fuck am I doing?'. I keep thinking I wont make it, or maybe I'll just turn fully to Cultural Anthropology (another love I found in first year), or maybe I'll cross over completely to literature (my comfort since i was little). But then, I'll watch an interview about advancements in Autism and how much research there is left to do and I'll think 'I can do this, I want to do this.'
... Or, I'll start 1 Litre of Tears and know I'm going to be bawling before it ends and just keep thinking 'I want to help; I wish I could help'.
And I will.
(I should mention - when i told my dad i'd changed my mind, he got so gung-ho he's planned the next 10 years out for me and has banned me from returning home because we have no research facilities. Jury's still out on that one.
---
So yeah, all that was inspired by the 1st episode of 1 litre of tears, and omfg, I can just tell this is going to kill me. I mean - i was all teary when Kame was leaving in Nobuta (shut up i was on my period ok?) And i got choked up in the last ep of Hanadan and Kurosagi (i did not cry then!) SO this'll do me in for sure. Especially If Ryo tears up - i wont be able to take it.
Sorry for being so sentimental, I've had 'Ai Nante' on repeat since yesterday, god.
... Shutting up now.
Peace.
Daddy: What do you want to be when you grow up?
Now, my sister didn't know - she wanted to be a preacher on Sunday, a lawyer during the week and a doctor at night. But I smiled brightly, sat forward in my seat (we were in our old bus, going to the Factory after school) and said, 'I'm going to be a doctor!'
And no one's ever let me forget it.
Then, i wanted to be a doctor because doctors got to work with blood. I was a bit of a TV buff (before mommy's 'no TV except at Christmas and sumer vacation!' ban from age 10-ish to 15) and I'd always see doctors stitching people up or cutting them apart and I thought it was the coolest thing ever.
Then, at some point i realized that no, blood was not all that and a bag of chips, and I decided to be a doctor because I wanted to be rich.
I was in my reading phase - well, i've always read everything from encyclopedias (read off all of 'J' because it had Japan!) and the dictionary, to food packaging and old posters on buildings. I was into trashy novels then, in high school - Harlequin romances with hot-blooded men and fiesty women - and there was always some rich as heck specialist who was being flown to help someone with a rare disease. At 13, I thought it was the sweetest deal - hot man and tons of money? Sign me up.
But then came the revelation - doctors are in school forever.
At this point I was reconsidering the 'doctor' thing. Tons of money didn't mean much to me if I wasn't going to be making it before I was over the hill at 30 and none of those hot men would be looking for me. But, my father was going around telling everyone who listened that I was going to be the 'best doctor ever' and my granny was being all 'hmm - i hope you'll take care of me before I get too old!'. And, being the more or less 'good' daughter I was, i wasn't about to disappoint anyone.
But, I'd realized being a doctor wasn't for me. Not because of the schooling or the blood. I realized I couldn't cope with being directly responsible for someone else's life. The idea of death, of someone dying because I'd made a simple mistake or because I was just too late, or because I could never have helped in the first place scared me to bits.
And that's when I realized - I still wanted to be n Medicine - not for the money or fame or plane trips - but because I wanted to help.
When I was... 16, maybe 17 my best friend had minor surgery and I went to the hospital with her. I stayed all day - skipped all my classes, although I'd promised my parents I'd leave when she went into Recovery. I stayed until the very end of the day when my parents came to pick me up. And i realized - while I could never handle being hands on with sickness and pain every day, I wanted to somehow, some way help people.
And in 2004, I watched 'Something the Lord Made' on HBO, starring Alan Rickman and Mos Def. Something about that movie that story, inspired me. I think that was the first time I realized I wanted to do research.
I came to the University of Toronto, still very unsure of what I was going to be doing. I took every science (except physics which i just don't get) and i kept my eye out for that perfect field for me. I knew I wasn't going to Medical school no way (but I hadn't told my parents yet).
Then, in my final biochemistry lecture (a second year course i was eligible for with my 1st year chem credit) Prof. Baker - who'd already gotten me fired up and interested with his lectures - told the story of the discovery of insulin just across the campus from where we sat.
It was like gates opened. I knew what i wanted to do, and for the first time in forever i was excited about science again. I applied for and was accepted to the Biochemistry major program and I'm on my way now.
Sometimes it gets really hard and i think 'God, what the fuck am I doing?'. I keep thinking I wont make it, or maybe I'll just turn fully to Cultural Anthropology (another love I found in first year), or maybe I'll cross over completely to literature (my comfort since i was little). But then, I'll watch an interview about advancements in Autism and how much research there is left to do and I'll think 'I can do this, I want to do this.'
... Or, I'll start 1 Litre of Tears and know I'm going to be bawling before it ends and just keep thinking 'I want to help; I wish I could help'.
And I will.
(I should mention - when i told my dad i'd changed my mind, he got so gung-ho he's planned the next 10 years out for me and has banned me from returning home because we have no research facilities. Jury's still out on that one.
---
So yeah, all that was inspired by the 1st episode of 1 litre of tears, and omfg, I can just tell this is going to kill me. I mean - i was all teary when Kame was leaving in Nobuta (shut up i was on my period ok?) And i got choked up in the last ep of Hanadan and Kurosagi (i did not cry then!) SO this'll do me in for sure. Especially If Ryo tears up - i wont be able to take it.
Sorry for being so sentimental, I've had 'Ai Nante' on repeat since yesterday, god.
... Shutting up now.
Peace.