sorrow
The worst times for me are mornings, driving alone and falling asleep. I stop myself from breaking down constantly but I'm starting to feel like I can't hold it in any longer. There is an eerie calm that has come over me which I think is my defense against this unbearable pain. When I first found out I was shaking uncontrolably, sobbing and pacing around in complete disbelief.
why why why why why why W H Y did this happen to her. I realize now how generally pleasant our lives are until someone dies. The rest is just life, just a bunch of random events that link together and one day they just stop. Think about that. Think about going to bed and not waking up, apply that feeling to everyone you know. Imagine getting the news that someone is gone, prepare yourself for death as best you can by living like there's no tomorrow. That's so cliche but god damn it there is nothing more profound in life than just doing things you love, with people you love, and with people who love you. Life is too short for arrogance, cross words, and hatred, all so pointless in the end. What lasts and matters in the end and stays with people is the love you give them. Think about all the things you want to tell someone and then tell them. Pay attention to all the little details about people you love, and get to know those you don't yet.
I want to say something at the service but I don't know what. How would I get through that anyway? I feel like I'll regret not speaking, and that mom would want me to speak about her honestly and lovingly. There aren't words for how much she meant to me, how I adored her, how she was truly one of a kind. Every person who ever met her has a story about her. I've got hundreds. Millions of memories, thousands of tiny gifts and trinkets and notes written in jumbled French. I have a couple saved messages, a few sweet emails, a bunch of her clothes, and a ton of....stuff. All that is left is her stuff. Her spirit is strong but heartbreaking and every time I think about her never coming back I feel abandoned, helpless, and robbed. I want to believe that she's in heaven but it just feels like she's nowhere. Vanished, stolen, invisible. Even the idea of her ghost is more comforting than this cold, broken feeling I have knowing she doesn't get a second chance, her life has ended.
Mother, you are a beautiful soul. Do you know how much I adored you and that all I ever wanted from you was love? I can't write any more of this right now. You always seemed to know what I was thinking and I hope you still do.
why why why why why why W H Y did this happen to her. I realize now how generally pleasant our lives are until someone dies. The rest is just life, just a bunch of random events that link together and one day they just stop. Think about that. Think about going to bed and not waking up, apply that feeling to everyone you know. Imagine getting the news that someone is gone, prepare yourself for death as best you can by living like there's no tomorrow. That's so cliche but god damn it there is nothing more profound in life than just doing things you love, with people you love, and with people who love you. Life is too short for arrogance, cross words, and hatred, all so pointless in the end. What lasts and matters in the end and stays with people is the love you give them. Think about all the things you want to tell someone and then tell them. Pay attention to all the little details about people you love, and get to know those you don't yet.
I want to say something at the service but I don't know what. How would I get through that anyway? I feel like I'll regret not speaking, and that mom would want me to speak about her honestly and lovingly. There aren't words for how much she meant to me, how I adored her, how she was truly one of a kind. Every person who ever met her has a story about her. I've got hundreds. Millions of memories, thousands of tiny gifts and trinkets and notes written in jumbled French. I have a couple saved messages, a few sweet emails, a bunch of her clothes, and a ton of....stuff. All that is left is her stuff. Her spirit is strong but heartbreaking and every time I think about her never coming back I feel abandoned, helpless, and robbed. I want to believe that she's in heaven but it just feels like she's nowhere. Vanished, stolen, invisible. Even the idea of her ghost is more comforting than this cold, broken feeling I have knowing she doesn't get a second chance, her life has ended.
Mother, you are a beautiful soul. Do you know how much I adored you and that all I ever wanted from you was love? I can't write any more of this right now. You always seemed to know what I was thinking and I hope you still do.