Like a whisper she was gone

[notamistake]

I was kinda wantin' to throw down with that blonde chick, Britney I think, but I didn't bother. Mostly all I could think about was gettin' the hell out of Alyx's little Zoo for Wayward Slayers. Bein' trapped in that little cage in her bedroom was about the second closest thing to hell I could imagine. No. That'd be Angelus. Alyx ranked second. Sure

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[notamistake]

I expected him to put down the clothes and then leave, I sure didn't think I was gonna get an audience member for bathtime fun. Bath time fun. I almost closed my eyes and tried to remember it. Last time I saw Buffy, the two of us in the bathtub and she'd cried cause she couldn't save me from Angelus. I wondered how hard she'd actually cried when he really killed me. Not that I had issues or anything...

Oh no. Not me.

I blinked again, tryin' to decide if I was imagining this or if he really was offering to wash my hair. Wash my hair? I guess the hero fetish wasn't the only thing that ran in the family. What was up with the hair thing? Without thinking I instantly sat up and moved away from him a little bit, tiltin' my chin up at him.

"No offense. But that's really fucking weird that you just offered to wash my hair. Does that hit your little kink or something?" I asked him defensively forgetting for a second that Connor was actually the one who was on my side. He was. I think. Not that I knew the punk all that well, but I was pretty sure he was bein' sincere. Just a weird kid. Well, I guess bein' the kid of vampires'll do that to you.

[cordys_bitch]

I backed away immediately, burned by the kink comment as much as I was shocked by what I saw on her back. His name. He'd carved his fucking name on her back. Son of a bitch.

"I'm sorry. I wasn't...I'll be in the other room." I managed to say as I fought not to throw up. Genetics was a bitch and my father was a sadistic son of a bitch. Flashbacks of the mall and bombs, people crying and my demanding the guy whose arm I broke hold his girlfriend right before I killed him.

Yeah. Genetics was a bitch. This was the life I wanted to come back to? What the fuck was wrong with me? I stood up and she was staring at me like she knew it wasn't just her comment that got to me. I looked away because the heat of her gaze made me feel guilty for not being able to tell it was Angelus out in the hallway when I showed up that night.

Except if I had I would have killed him and then I'd be without a father. Wasn't sure how I felt about that. There was a time when I wanted nothing more than to kill him. First because Holtz had raised me to do so and then because I loved Cordy and she convinced me that it was the right thing to do. Faith was the one who stopped me and the irony wasn't lost on me that had she not intervened she wouldn't be sitting in this tub shooting glares at me while his name was carved in her sort of dead body.

"I don't mean to make this worse on you. I guess I suck at this. Let me get out of here and give you some space, okay?"

[notamistake]

He suddenly sprung away from me like the tub was on fire and I didn't think what I'd said to him was that bad. Then I followed his eyes down to my back. Oh right. That. Guess I wouldn't be wearin' tank tops anytime soon. Connor looked worse off than me, like he was gonna throw up all over the floor or something. Maybe it was cause I'd had time to adjust to it being there or maybe because it was his Dad that put it there. I dunno.

Turnin' my face away from him for a minute cause I didn't wanna see that horrified look on his face. I remembered the same look mirrored on Buffy's face and that only ever made it worse. I didn't wanna think about it. And all they ever did was make me think about it.

"It's okay, Connor. I'll be out in a sec." He nodded at me and then scrambled out of the room as fast as he possibly could. Oh yeah, I was severely comforted now. Rolling my eyes I unplugged the drain. I watched the water swirl around and around until it all disappeared before stepping out of the tub.

Finally I dried myself off with one of the giant towels before totally ignoring the big white fluffy robe. That felt too much like vacation. This wasn't vacation. I wasn't sure what this was. Pulling on one of Connor's t-shirts and a pair of sweats I walked into the living room part of where we were staying. Connor was perched by the window, staring out at the dark night.

"Connor--" I didn't know what else to say to him.

[john_allerdyce]

I was proud of myself for making it out of the bathroom and into the kitchen before I threw up in the sink. If it was this bad for me to see it, couldn't imagine what it was going to be like for my dad. He had to live with knowing that he'd carved his name into her flesh as a permanrnt reminder of who tortured and killed Faith.

Yeah, I got the it was because he lost the soul, but I also understand that it was his hands. His body that inflicted that pain on her and there was no memory wipe for him. He'd probably relived every second of it over and over again in his mind and I couldn't help but wonder if the deepest parts of him got off on it. It was a bad thing to wonder, but hey deep down for a split second if I hadn't forced myself to look away I maybe would have. Cause that name represented the power he had over her. Having power was a thrill and a half.

Fuck, I hated myself for even thinking like that. Once I'd washed away all the traces of my losing my dinner, I went over to look out the window. The city was pretty at night and if you didn't know any better you'd think it was paradise. I of course knew better.

Felt her approach before I heard her. Didn't look at her right away. "There should be a scar on my throat, but I can't see it. Guess they figured out how to remove it. Doesn't matter though, because I can still feel it. I remember how it happened and I understand why. Don't hate him for it anymore, but I hate having anyone touch my neck."

When I finally turned to look at her, she was just staring at me like she wasn't sure what to do or say. "Want a beer?" I asked, as I made my way to the kitchen. We were both entirely too sober. "I've got weed if you want to get high. I prefer to smoke it than cigarettes. Relaxes me more."

That's right. I was just going to pretend the awkward conversation never took place unless she wanted to discuss it further. I was real good at living a lie.

[notamistake]

I just stood there and listened to his story about a scar on his throat. Had the feelin' I was missin' big whole chunks of this story. Why was he tellin' me all of this? And was there some little life lesson I was supposed to be gettin' out of this? We were like Angel's naughty little wayward children that he just couldn't keep from killin'? OKay, that wasn't fair. Really not fair. I didn't wanna think about it that way. That was B's line of thinkin', not mine.

And finally he changed the subject which was something I was pretty happy about. Could I still get stoned or drunk this way? Only one way to find out. "Yes...please." I said quickly and didn't even bother answering him whether I wanted the beer or the weed because both of 'em might be kinda needed just so I could get a few hours of sleep. So I could figure out what the hell I was gonna do next.

Connor walked over to the kitchen and back again as I sat on the couch and next thing I knew I had a cold beer in one hand and was watchin' him roll a joint with such fucking precision it was uncanny.

"That what they teach you in college?" I asked him with a slight smirk. "How to roll the most perfect joint?" He glanced up at me with a half smile of his own for a second and I figured that was a good start for something.

I wondered how long it'd be until he was insistin' that we go chill with his Dad. Tell Angel what the story was. Honestly? I didn't know Connor all that well and I had no idea what he'd do.

[cordys_bitch]

She just said yes and added a please so I took that as she wanted both. I grabbed a couple of long necks out of the fridge and handed one to her, setting the other on the table in front of me. I had to go to the bedroom to grab the weed out of my bag, but a few minutes later I was working on rolling a nice fatty for both of us to share.

Couldn't help but smile when she asked if I learned how to roll the perfect joint in college. "You bet. Learned how to chug beer from a funnel and how to make the perfect jello shots there too. It was an interesting first week."

I lit the joint and inhaled deeply. One thing about having the enhanced abilities was it took a little more than the normal person to get high. Had no idea if it was going to work at all on Faith given her current condition, but there was only one way to find out so I passed it over to her.

Screwing the cap off the beer, I drained it quickly. Really wanted to get over being sober fast. "Don't worry. I can drink and still remain on guard. I've had it tested a few times." I told her as I jumped up and went to grab us a couple more beers. Something told me Faith was going to want to get over being sober fast too.

"This isn't a bad place to chill for awhile, right? We can stay for a few days and move to a new place if you want to stay on the move."

I was leaving it up to her. She would tell me when she wanted to go see anyone or if she wanted to ditch me. Of course, I wasn't going to let her just ditch me. Not when she had someone trying to track her down. I'd sleep in the hallway of whatever hotel she was at if it came down to it.

[notamistake]

"It doesn't even matter." I answered him quickly when he tried to reassure me that he could still stay on guard even when he was three sheets to the wind. I wanted to tell him that it didn't matter if he was drunk or sober because when Alyx got here both of our asses were grass literally. I was just hopin' it would take Alyx long enough to find me to give me some kinda headstart or idea of what I wanted to do next.

"This place is wicked nice." I agreed with him when he told me this wasn't a bad place to chill for awhile. Not a bad place to chill? Hell, throw up a punching bag and call it home.

Connor finally lit up the joint and passed it my way. I took a long solid hit off of it still kinda wondering how you could not have to breathe and still smoke. It didn't matter, cause after a minute my brain started to sink into that familiar murky haze of bein' drugged.

"I have no idea what to do now." I finally said earnestly to him, my head lolling against the back of the couch as I passed the joint to him again. By now it had burned almost three quarters of the way down. When had that happened? My mind must've wandered off again while I was tryin' to do something else.

"No. Clue. What about you? What were you plannin' to do before you ran into me?" I asked him curiously, turning my head to look at him.

[cordys_bitch]

It mattered, but I wasn't going to push that debate right now. Maybe this Alyx could kick my ass all over LA, but whatever I'd had my ass smacked down plenty of times before. I wasn't leaving Faith on her own here. It a perfect world, she'd be ready to go back and see Dad, Buffy and the others so we could form a team effort to keep her safe. Fuck me, could I be more like my old man? When did that happen? I used to be all about working solo and now I want to have a team. Guess it was because I never liked magic much and I hated the idea of Faith being scared after everything she'd been through.

She was bogarting the joint something fierce, but I just set to work rolling a second one. Had a feeling we would be working our way through the bag over the next few days. The place was real nice and I was fine with hanging out here as long as she wanted. Just needed to grab some cash out of the bank tomorrow and we'd be set.

"I was coming back to tell my dad that I wanted him to fix the memory spell on the fake parents because I was ready to return to my real life. I got why he did it for me, but it was a lie and I just couldn't live it any more. Once the memories were back and I remembered everything, Stanford wasn't the place for me."

I took the joint from her when she passed it over and inhaled deep. My body was relaxing and the haze was nice. I'd been wanting to chill out since I first came across Faith tonight. She looked like she needed to do relax too. This was cool.

"Besides it was only a matter of time before someone used the Riley's as a way to get to me or Dad. That wasn't right to them. They're good people." I passed the joint back to her and said in a soft voice, "That life wasn't what I was supposed to have. Hell dimensions, violence, fighting demons and the old man, that's my real life."

[notamistake]

I nodded at him. What else could I do? It wasn't like I knew the first thing about that shit. Fake memories? Wantin' to turn his back on this nice normal little slice of pie his Dad had just handed to him on a spoon. Maybe I was a little bitter. Okay, I was alot bitter. That was pretty much the long and the short of it. Jealousy had always gone hand in hand with bein' me.

He rolled up a second joint and lit it up and I realized that I'd smoked most of the first one on my own. That was okay though, looked like he had plenty of herb and I was really just along for the ride. It wasn't like I was lookin' for handouts either. He'd offered this up for me. Think he was a little lost and I was givin' him something to focus on. Something to save. I almost snorted at that. His Dad'd already tried that one and look where it'd gotten me. Sometimes people just couldn't be saved.

Maybe I should just go back to Alyx.

Killed the beer and finished the joint, butting it out in the empty beer bottle and settin' the roach down on the coffee table. Lightin' up a cigarette I leaned back into the couch already feelin' a whole lot less sober and a whole lot better. And maybe a little paranoid too. Never a good combo with a slayer on the run.

"Seems like Angel worked pretty fucking hard to keep you away from all that noise." I commented aimlessly before turnin' my chin to look up at him next to me. "Just sayin'. Sounds like you got a pretty cooshy lifestyle with the Riley's. Can't imagine wantin' to leave."

[john_allerdyce]

I looked down while taking a long drag off the new joint and passed it over to her without looking up. She was right. Dad had tried his best to give me the life he thought I deserved. The second chance that he wished he could have provided for me the first time around before things got all screwed up.

"I don't want to leave them. I have to, though. As long as I'm there they are at risk. The last time someone wanted to get my attention, they had me hit by a van and pinned me against the Riley's garage door to prove to me that I wasn't a normal kid. Then they attacked the Riley's and me a couple weeks later. It's only a matter of time before word gets out that the best way to get to me or Angel is to torment the Riley's. My little sister is just a kid. I can't have that on my conscience."

I leaned back on the couch and looked over at Faith who was toking on the joint and watching me through dark unreadable eyes. I couldn't tell if she understood where I was coming from or if she was too high to care. She looked a little more relaxed than when I first found her though so that was an improvement.

"It's cool. I had it for a little while and it chilled me out. I'm not wanting to kill everything in my path anymore." I paused, and then added, "But I will kill to protect you. I'm not being cocky or anything, but I'm still me, Faith. I get this chick has a lot of power and stuff, but there has to be a way to protect you. You and me, we're pretty powerful when working together, right?"

[notamistake]

Guess he had a point with the whole thing about wantin' to protect the Riley's. Especially since they had a little girl, I wouldn't wanna be responsible for any whack shit happenin' to her either. Kinda felt bad for the kid, got this whole world handed to him on a silver platter and the only thing he could do was reject it. No matter how badly Angel wanted him to embrace it. He really was a stubborn bastard, just like his Dad. I really needed to stop comparing Connor to Angel.

"I don't know...." I finally said because honestly? I had no idea what kinda power I had anymore. Was I still the Slayer? Could I still fight and usually lose but occasionally win? I had no idea. All I knew was that I didn't have a heartbeat, but I wasn't a vampire. I didn't really feel evil or nothin'. Just kinda...empty. I couldn't really explain it. It was like this can opener just drilled straight into me and then the contents all leaked out and I was gone. Just this shell of a thing I used to be.

I believed him when he said he would kill to protect me even if I didn't understand why Angel's son who I didn't even really know all that well was suddenly wantin' to be my bodyguard. Not that I needed one or particularly wanted one. My goal was to stick to the shadows and figure shit out for myself before I decided whether to let anyone know that I was back. Not alive. But back.

"I don't even know what I am anymore." I admitted quietly to him, annoyed now that I'd gotten so stoned that I couldn't emerge from the murky haze that had fogged up my brain.

"Maybe I should just go back to Alyx. At least she can tell me what I am, how I'm back. What the fucking point is other than to get under Angel's skin."

[cordys_bitch]

I related to the not knowing what she was anymore. That was how I felt when the memories came crashing back and I took out Sahjahn. Suddenly I wasn't really Connor Riley anymore, but I didn't feel the old me either. I had my abilities, but I was rusty.

"Let's find out what you are." I said as I stood up. I was high and so was she, but the thing about having super powers was your instincts kicked in fast. "Aren't you curious if you can still kick my ass?"

I smirked at her when she gave me a curious look. "Come on, sparring with me has to be a better alternative than going back to Alyx, right? I haven't had a decent fight in awhile and I'm thinking you have to have some aggression to get out."

I was more than a little freaked out that she wanted to go back to the person who had brought her back, but I guess I could relate to that too. I was the one who was just biding my time before I showed up at Dad's to basically announce that I was back and wanted to be a part of his team. There were worse ways to spend the night than having Faith beat on me too. I liked it the last time she did it.

[notamistake]

"No." I quickly shook my head at him and looked back at the television when he suddenly bounced up and offered to let me kick his ass. He was a wicked sweet kid and all but I just...there was no thrum under my skin. No blood rushing through my veins, no familiar warmth makin' my thighs a few degrees warmer. I didn't even feel alive and when I was fighting? That was when I felt most alive. I didn't wanna fight, I wanted to....sit here and figure out what I was gonna do next. Sweet offer, but naw I wasn't gonna do it.

Before I knew it I was bein' pulled to my feet and a sloppy punch came at my eye. Easily I ducked it and gave Connor a serious look. "I said, knock it off." He only threw another punch at me and this time it hit me squarely in the jaw. Okay, now I was gettin' a little irritated. Before I knew it I swung back another punch at him so hard he slammed into the wall behind him and slumped to the floor.

With a deep breath I realized that I still didn't even feel better like I usually did. Just felt like a dead strong thing? Dunno. He lunged at me and next thing I knew I was on my back and he was on top of me. Fucking lost it. I didn't even knew where my mind went but I launched him off of me so hard I was afraid I'd take his head off for a minute.

Springin' back up to my feet he didn't even have a chance before I hit him again and then lashed out a violent kick to his ribs, sendin' him rollin' across the floor.

Walkin' over to him I grabbed him by his shirt and realized his mouth was bleedin'. For his own good. "Remember what you promised me." I said quietly before slamming his head down on the floor.