Like a whisper she was gone

[notamistake]

I was kinda wantin' to throw down with that blonde chick, Britney I think, but I didn't bother. Mostly all I could think about was gettin' the hell out of Alyx's little Zoo for Wayward Slayers. Bein' trapped in that little cage in her bedroom was about the second closest thing to hell I could imagine. No. That'd be Angelus. Alyx ranked second. Sure

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[cordys_bitch]

I guess I should have expected that they weren't about to rent a suite to a guy who looks sixteen on a good day without a credit card. They agreed to only write down the number and accept the cash as payment so at least the paper trail wouldn't be easy to find. Of course this Alyx chick was a witch or at least someone who knew some seriously magic considering she shoved that soul back into dad. Had a feeling a paper trail wasn't the way she would try and track Faith.

Faith did great playing the actress not wanting to be seen. I could hear the girls behind the desk whispering as we walked towards the elevator as they tried to figure out who she was. I laughed when Faith asked if the parents were rich.

"I guess. I mean, I have no idea if they were before they got the memories implanted that I was their perfect son, but whatever they had more than enough cash to provide for me and the fake little sister. Trust fund, the whole nine yards, he covered all the bases."

Which wasn't fair considering he killed me to keep me from hurting others. Where as Faith died because he tracked her down while without his soul and decided to torture her before taking her out. I mean, it wasn't like I ever got to see her body, but it was Angelus. He wouldn't have went for a quick kill.

I unlocked the room and held the door open for her. It was gorgeous and I knew she would get a kick out of it. I'd stayed here once before with Tracy after prom. Not that the memory was real, but it felt like it was real. Locking the door behind us, I followed her into the suite.

"The couch is a pull out so you can have the bedroom. I'll probably just sit up and watch tv so you can catch some sleep. Jacuzzi tub and like all the essentials are provided in there. Along with the robes and stuff. We can hit Rodeo drive and pick you up some new clothes tomorrow, but I have some stuff in my bags that the valet will bring up you can borrow."

I was talking a lot, but I did that when I was nervous. I was pretty sure I didn't talk all that much before the new memories, but who knew? It was confusing most of the time.

"I'll run downstairs and grab the beer and stuff. If you want to order room service, go for it. Anything you want or need, Faith, take it. It's his cash and he owes you."

[notamistake]

My eyes got even wider as I glanced around the room. It was gigantic. Hell, the whole thing was bigger than the apartment I'd been sharin' with B in the Wolfram and Hart building. Jacuzzi? Rodeo? The kid was talkin' and I was startin' to feel way out of my league here. I didn't belong. Guess that was the long and the short of it. Hell, Connor shouldn't even be messin' around with a girl like me. I'd only get him into trouble.

"Cool." It was the only thing I could think of to say cause a few hours ago I'd been wandering around lost and here Angel's kid shows up lookin' to save the day. Looked like that hero fetish ran in the family. Not like I was gonna be complainin' about havin' a place to stay with free smokes, beer and hey...cable. Rock.

I snapped my head up because the last thing he'd said had stung even if he hadn't meant it to. He owed me. This was Angel's money he was using? I thought it was his big fabulous fake parents' money. Not that it really mattered. Money was money. Still, Angel didn't owe me anything. It wasn't him. Sure, he was the idiot who'd fucked Queen C and lost his soul and then killed me. But it wasn't Angel. I still owed him.

"Think I'll take a bath." I said instead of screamin' and cryin' like I really wanted to. Instead I turned my back on him quickly and moved into the bathroom. It was gigantic with two sinks, a shower stall right next to a jacuzzi bath tub. Damn. You die and go to hell and come back and get pampered I guess.

I knew it was fleeting. Sooner or later Alyx was gonna wanna be collectin' on what she thought was her's. And no matter what Connor tried to tell himself? He wasn't gonna be able to protect me from that.

Runnin' the hot water from the tap, I pulled off Alyx's clothes and left them crumpled on the floor in a heap before stepping inside the giant porcelain tub. The hot water soothing against my cold skin. Didn't I used to be wicked warm all the time?

[cordys_bitch]

Man I was such an idiot. You'd think with the fancy new life that Dad provided for me he would have asked them to give me some tact with the new memories. I didn't mean for the comment about being owed to come out the way it did. I got that Angel and Angelus were different and stuff, but I don't know. He made a mistake by sleeping with Cordy and yeah I didn't want to think about that too much because I had Cordy issues along with my daddy issues and when those collided it was just a bad place for me to be.

I grabbed the bags of beer and food from the car and walked up with the guy carrying my suitcases. Not that I was going to need all of that stuff, but it was better to have my stuff with me so we blended in better. Felt all the world like a jackass when I got back to the room. The look on Faith's face when I made the crack about Dad owing her was burned into my brain.

I set one suitcase in the closet and went to work unpacking the other. The beer was in the fridge and the snacks were set up in the living room so we could veg out and watch tv if she wanted. I could hear Faith in the bathroom and didn't want to disturb, but I thought she might want to have clothes to change into beyond the fluffy white robe that the hotel provided.

"Hey Faith, you want me to bring in some clothes for you?" I asked, knocking on the bathroom door lightly. "I got sweats, boxers, t-shirts, whatever you want. Just say the word."

[notamistake]

I'd closed my eyes, sitting in the warm bubbles and water for only a few minutes when I heard a knock on the door. Must've been lost in my own little world or something cause I almost jumped right out of my skin. Instead Connor's soft voice travelled from the other side and I took a deep unneeded breath before sittin' up a little bit and glancin' at the door. Clothes? He'd already brought me clothes? They must be his.

I glanced down at the rumpled pile of clothes on the floor that belonged to Alyx and wrinkled my nose. Really didn't wanna put those back on. Ever.

"You can come in." I finally called out to him, most of my body hidden beneath the soap and bubbles. Not that I was all that shy but I found myself with a lapful of serious issues suddenly that I didn't even wanna get into.

The door finally clicked open and Connor shyly poked his head in before walkin' into the bathroom with a ton of clothing in his hand. Like he was waitin' for me to tell him exactly what I wanted.

"Uhh....whatever is fine. Thanks." I tried to manage a half smile again but it sorta fell flat and landed in the bathtub with me instead.

I felt bad cause he really didn't have to do all of this. He was probably gonna get his ass fried by Alyx just for helpin' me.

[cordys_bitch]

I had a pair of boxers, a long sleeve cotton shirt, a t-shirt, and a pair of sweats with me when I entered the bathroom because she didn't say what she wanted. Setting the clothes on the vanity, I walked over to the edge of the tub where she was soaking.

"Sorry about my big mouth and seriously bad habit of saying the worst possible thing imaginable. I didn't mean it the way it came out."

I dropped to my knees beside her and gave her my best forgive me look. "You want me to wash your hair for you? I've been told I have amazing fingers and should have taken courses for massage therapy instead of wasting my time as a history major at Stanford."

History major. That so wasn't my thing. Not that I minded the courses all that much, but it was probably something my dad was interested in and decided to live a little through me. A couple of the girls I dated after Tracy used to love for me to play with their hair when we were hanging out together. I usually only wanted to play with the hair of girls with long dark hair. Funny how some things transcend memory spells and new lives.

[notamistake]

I expected him to put down the clothes and then leave, I sure didn't think I was gonna get an audience member for bathtime fun. Bath time fun. I almost closed my eyes and tried to remember it. Last time I saw Buffy, the two of us in the bathtub and she'd cried cause she couldn't save me from Angelus. I wondered how hard she'd actually cried when he really killed me. Not that I had issues or anything...

Oh no. Not me.

I blinked again, tryin' to decide if I was imagining this or if he really was offering to wash my hair. Wash my hair? I guess the hero fetish wasn't the only thing that ran in the family. What was up with the hair thing? Without thinking I instantly sat up and moved away from him a little bit, tiltin' my chin up at him.

"No offense. But that's really fucking weird that you just offered to wash my hair. Does that hit your little kink or something?" I asked him defensively forgetting for a second that Connor was actually the one who was on my side. He was. I think. Not that I knew the punk all that well, but I was pretty sure he was bein' sincere. Just a weird kid. Well, I guess bein' the kid of vampires'll do that to you.

[cordys_bitch]

I backed away immediately, burned by the kink comment as much as I was shocked by what I saw on her back. His name. He'd carved his fucking name on her back. Son of a bitch.

"I'm sorry. I wasn't...I'll be in the other room." I managed to say as I fought not to throw up. Genetics was a bitch and my father was a sadistic son of a bitch. Flashbacks of the mall and bombs, people crying and my demanding the guy whose arm I broke hold his girlfriend right before I killed him.

Yeah. Genetics was a bitch. This was the life I wanted to come back to? What the fuck was wrong with me? I stood up and she was staring at me like she knew it wasn't just her comment that got to me. I looked away because the heat of her gaze made me feel guilty for not being able to tell it was Angelus out in the hallway when I showed up that night.

Except if I had I would have killed him and then I'd be without a father. Wasn't sure how I felt about that. There was a time when I wanted nothing more than to kill him. First because Holtz had raised me to do so and then because I loved Cordy and she convinced me that it was the right thing to do. Faith was the one who stopped me and the irony wasn't lost on me that had she not intervened she wouldn't be sitting in this tub shooting glares at me while his name was carved in her sort of dead body.

"I don't mean to make this worse on you. I guess I suck at this. Let me get out of here and give you some space, okay?"

[notamistake]

He suddenly sprung away from me like the tub was on fire and I didn't think what I'd said to him was that bad. Then I followed his eyes down to my back. Oh right. That. Guess I wouldn't be wearin' tank tops anytime soon. Connor looked worse off than me, like he was gonna throw up all over the floor or something. Maybe it was cause I'd had time to adjust to it being there or maybe because it was his Dad that put it there. I dunno.

Turnin' my face away from him for a minute cause I didn't wanna see that horrified look on his face. I remembered the same look mirrored on Buffy's face and that only ever made it worse. I didn't wanna think about it. And all they ever did was make me think about it.

"It's okay, Connor. I'll be out in a sec." He nodded at me and then scrambled out of the room as fast as he possibly could. Oh yeah, I was severely comforted now. Rolling my eyes I unplugged the drain. I watched the water swirl around and around until it all disappeared before stepping out of the tub.

Finally I dried myself off with one of the giant towels before totally ignoring the big white fluffy robe. That felt too much like vacation. This wasn't vacation. I wasn't sure what this was. Pulling on one of Connor's t-shirts and a pair of sweats I walked into the living room part of where we were staying. Connor was perched by the window, staring out at the dark night.

"Connor--" I didn't know what else to say to him.

[john_allerdyce]

I was proud of myself for making it out of the bathroom and into the kitchen before I threw up in the sink. If it was this bad for me to see it, couldn't imagine what it was going to be like for my dad. He had to live with knowing that he'd carved his name into her flesh as a permanrnt reminder of who tortured and killed Faith.

Yeah, I got the it was because he lost the soul, but I also understand that it was his hands. His body that inflicted that pain on her and there was no memory wipe for him. He'd probably relived every second of it over and over again in his mind and I couldn't help but wonder if the deepest parts of him got off on it. It was a bad thing to wonder, but hey deep down for a split second if I hadn't forced myself to look away I maybe would have. Cause that name represented the power he had over her. Having power was a thrill and a half.

Fuck, I hated myself for even thinking like that. Once I'd washed away all the traces of my losing my dinner, I went over to look out the window. The city was pretty at night and if you didn't know any better you'd think it was paradise. I of course knew better.

Felt her approach before I heard her. Didn't look at her right away. "There should be a scar on my throat, but I can't see it. Guess they figured out how to remove it. Doesn't matter though, because I can still feel it. I remember how it happened and I understand why. Don't hate him for it anymore, but I hate having anyone touch my neck."

When I finally turned to look at her, she was just staring at me like she wasn't sure what to do or say. "Want a beer?" I asked, as I made my way to the kitchen. We were both entirely too sober. "I've got weed if you want to get high. I prefer to smoke it than cigarettes. Relaxes me more."

That's right. I was just going to pretend the awkward conversation never took place unless she wanted to discuss it further. I was real good at living a lie.

[notamistake]

I just stood there and listened to his story about a scar on his throat. Had the feelin' I was missin' big whole chunks of this story. Why was he tellin' me all of this? And was there some little life lesson I was supposed to be gettin' out of this? We were like Angel's naughty little wayward children that he just couldn't keep from killin'? OKay, that wasn't fair. Really not fair. I didn't wanna think about it that way. That was B's line of thinkin', not mine.

And finally he changed the subject which was something I was pretty happy about. Could I still get stoned or drunk this way? Only one way to find out. "Yes...please." I said quickly and didn't even bother answering him whether I wanted the beer or the weed because both of 'em might be kinda needed just so I could get a few hours of sleep. So I could figure out what the hell I was gonna do next.

Connor walked over to the kitchen and back again as I sat on the couch and next thing I knew I had a cold beer in one hand and was watchin' him roll a joint with such fucking precision it was uncanny.

"That what they teach you in college?" I asked him with a slight smirk. "How to roll the most perfect joint?" He glanced up at me with a half smile of his own for a second and I figured that was a good start for something.

I wondered how long it'd be until he was insistin' that we go chill with his Dad. Tell Angel what the story was. Honestly? I didn't know Connor all that well and I had no idea what he'd do.

[cordys_bitch]

She just said yes and added a please so I took that as she wanted both. I grabbed a couple of long necks out of the fridge and handed one to her, setting the other on the table in front of me. I had to go to the bedroom to grab the weed out of my bag, but a few minutes later I was working on rolling a nice fatty for both of us to share.

Couldn't help but smile when she asked if I learned how to roll the perfect joint in college. "You bet. Learned how to chug beer from a funnel and how to make the perfect jello shots there too. It was an interesting first week."

I lit the joint and inhaled deeply. One thing about having the enhanced abilities was it took a little more than the normal person to get high. Had no idea if it was going to work at all on Faith given her current condition, but there was only one way to find out so I passed it over to her.

Screwing the cap off the beer, I drained it quickly. Really wanted to get over being sober fast. "Don't worry. I can drink and still remain on guard. I've had it tested a few times." I told her as I jumped up and went to grab us a couple more beers. Something told me Faith was going to want to get over being sober fast too.

"This isn't a bad place to chill for awhile, right? We can stay for a few days and move to a new place if you want to stay on the move."

I was leaving it up to her. She would tell me when she wanted to go see anyone or if she wanted to ditch me. Of course, I wasn't going to let her just ditch me. Not when she had someone trying to track her down. I'd sleep in the hallway of whatever hotel she was at if it came down to it.

[notamistake]

"It doesn't even matter." I answered him quickly when he tried to reassure me that he could still stay on guard even when he was three sheets to the wind. I wanted to tell him that it didn't matter if he was drunk or sober because when Alyx got here both of our asses were grass literally. I was just hopin' it would take Alyx long enough to find me to give me some kinda headstart or idea of what I wanted to do next.

"This place is wicked nice." I agreed with him when he told me this wasn't a bad place to chill for awhile. Not a bad place to chill? Hell, throw up a punching bag and call it home.

Connor finally lit up the joint and passed it my way. I took a long solid hit off of it still kinda wondering how you could not have to breathe and still smoke. It didn't matter, cause after a minute my brain started to sink into that familiar murky haze of bein' drugged.

"I have no idea what to do now." I finally said earnestly to him, my head lolling against the back of the couch as I passed the joint to him again. By now it had burned almost three quarters of the way down. When had that happened? My mind must've wandered off again while I was tryin' to do something else.

"No. Clue. What about you? What were you plannin' to do before you ran into me?" I asked him curiously, turning my head to look at him.

[cordys_bitch]

It mattered, but I wasn't going to push that debate right now. Maybe this Alyx could kick my ass all over LA, but whatever I'd had my ass smacked down plenty of times before. I wasn't leaving Faith on her own here. It a perfect world, she'd be ready to go back and see Dad, Buffy and the others so we could form a team effort to keep her safe. Fuck me, could I be more like my old man? When did that happen? I used to be all about working solo and now I want to have a team. Guess it was because I never liked magic much and I hated the idea of Faith being scared after everything she'd been through.

She was bogarting the joint something fierce, but I just set to work rolling a second one. Had a feeling we would be working our way through the bag over the next few days. The place was real nice and I was fine with hanging out here as long as she wanted. Just needed to grab some cash out of the bank tomorrow and we'd be set.

"I was coming back to tell my dad that I wanted him to fix the memory spell on the fake parents because I was ready to return to my real life. I got why he did it for me, but it was a lie and I just couldn't live it any more. Once the memories were back and I remembered everything, Stanford wasn't the place for me."

I took the joint from her when she passed it over and inhaled deep. My body was relaxing and the haze was nice. I'd been wanting to chill out since I first came across Faith tonight. She looked like she needed to do relax too. This was cool.

"Besides it was only a matter of time before someone used the Riley's as a way to get to me or Dad. That wasn't right to them. They're good people." I passed the joint back to her and said in a soft voice, "That life wasn't what I was supposed to have. Hell dimensions, violence, fighting demons and the old man, that's my real life."

[notamistake]

I nodded at him. What else could I do? It wasn't like I knew the first thing about that shit. Fake memories? Wantin' to turn his back on this nice normal little slice of pie his Dad had just handed to him on a spoon. Maybe I was a little bitter. Okay, I was alot bitter. That was pretty much the long and the short of it. Jealousy had always gone hand in hand with bein' me.

He rolled up a second joint and lit it up and I realized that I'd smoked most of the first one on my own. That was okay though, looked like he had plenty of herb and I was really just along for the ride. It wasn't like I was lookin' for handouts either. He'd offered this up for me. Think he was a little lost and I was givin' him something to focus on. Something to save. I almost snorted at that. His Dad'd already tried that one and look where it'd gotten me. Sometimes people just couldn't be saved.

Maybe I should just go back to Alyx.

Killed the beer and finished the joint, butting it out in the empty beer bottle and settin' the roach down on the coffee table. Lightin' up a cigarette I leaned back into the couch already feelin' a whole lot less sober and a whole lot better. And maybe a little paranoid too. Never a good combo with a slayer on the run.

"Seems like Angel worked pretty fucking hard to keep you away from all that noise." I commented aimlessly before turnin' my chin to look up at him next to me. "Just sayin'. Sounds like you got a pretty cooshy lifestyle with the Riley's. Can't imagine wantin' to leave."

[john_allerdyce]

I looked down while taking a long drag off the new joint and passed it over to her without looking up. She was right. Dad had tried his best to give me the life he thought I deserved. The second chance that he wished he could have provided for me the first time around before things got all screwed up.

"I don't want to leave them. I have to, though. As long as I'm there they are at risk. The last time someone wanted to get my attention, they had me hit by a van and pinned me against the Riley's garage door to prove to me that I wasn't a normal kid. Then they attacked the Riley's and me a couple weeks later. It's only a matter of time before word gets out that the best way to get to me or Angel is to torment the Riley's. My little sister is just a kid. I can't have that on my conscience."

I leaned back on the couch and looked over at Faith who was toking on the joint and watching me through dark unreadable eyes. I couldn't tell if she understood where I was coming from or if she was too high to care. She looked a little more relaxed than when I first found her though so that was an improvement.

"It's cool. I had it for a little while and it chilled me out. I'm not wanting to kill everything in my path anymore." I paused, and then added, "But I will kill to protect you. I'm not being cocky or anything, but I'm still me, Faith. I get this chick has a lot of power and stuff, but there has to be a way to protect you. You and me, we're pretty powerful when working together, right?"

[notamistake]

Guess he had a point with the whole thing about wantin' to protect the Riley's. Especially since they had a little girl, I wouldn't wanna be responsible for any whack shit happenin' to her either. Kinda felt bad for the kid, got this whole world handed to him on a silver platter and the only thing he could do was reject it. No matter how badly Angel wanted him to embrace it. He really was a stubborn bastard, just like his Dad. I really needed to stop comparing Connor to Angel.

"I don't know...." I finally said because honestly? I had no idea what kinda power I had anymore. Was I still the Slayer? Could I still fight and usually lose but occasionally win? I had no idea. All I knew was that I didn't have a heartbeat, but I wasn't a vampire. I didn't really feel evil or nothin'. Just kinda...empty. I couldn't really explain it. It was like this can opener just drilled straight into me and then the contents all leaked out and I was gone. Just this shell of a thing I used to be.

I believed him when he said he would kill to protect me even if I didn't understand why Angel's son who I didn't even really know all that well was suddenly wantin' to be my bodyguard. Not that I needed one or particularly wanted one. My goal was to stick to the shadows and figure shit out for myself before I decided whether to let anyone know that I was back. Not alive. But back.

"I don't even know what I am anymore." I admitted quietly to him, annoyed now that I'd gotten so stoned that I couldn't emerge from the murky haze that had fogged up my brain.

"Maybe I should just go back to Alyx. At least she can tell me what I am, how I'm back. What the fucking point is other than to get under Angel's skin."