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[divinecordelia]

It felt like an eternity since Fred left my room, her comfort and questions giving me a brief break from just crying straight through the day. I couldn't keep the images out of my head and no vision I ever had was so disturbing and hey at least I could get rid of the vision images. This one? The one of the bloodied water in the tub, candles lit

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[weloveyouangel]

It took me alot, but I eventually went up the stairs and I knocked softly on the door. It was hard seeing her, I saw her once since we've been back because everytime I look at her, I realize how much I let her down and let things go too far. Faith died because of what happened and that's something I'll never forget and looking at Cordelia kinda reminded me of that. But, I had to get over it. Move on, even though I didn't want to. All signs were pointing to moving on, but I didn't. I'd rather have this cloak of failure hanging around me. I was used to it. It was comfortable and it reminded me that things would never get better, because in the end, they never would. Someone was always going to die, someone was always going to be to blame and most times? It was me that was blamed.

But now there was Cordelia. I frowned when I felt her push against the door so I couldn't open it and I was tempted to just leave right then, but I didn't.

"Cordelia, it's okay, let me in," I said softly, wondering if she'd let me and two seconds later, I felt her leave the door so I opened it and looked over at her. She was scared and ... sad. I didn't say anything, instead I closed the door and then wondered if I should have kept it open so she wouldn't feel closed in. But, I remembered that she'd been in her room the whole time we'd been back, so I figured that it didn't bother her that much. It was probably comforting that no one could see her.

She had to quit hiding.

Before I said anything, her question was out and I was left to look stunned as I watched her. Did I want her to leave? No. That's the last thing I wanted. She turned around, looking out the window and said that she'd understand if I wanted her to leave.

"Well, I don't." She slowly turned around, looking at me and I just stood there without an expression on my face. It was more easier. "I don't want you to leave."

I couldn't do this by myself.

[divinecordelia]

I heard him saying he didn't want me to leave but I wasn't a dummy. I could see the way he held back any expression from his face, that was his 'I really can't tell you what I really mean right now leave a message after the beep' face. He doesn't want me to leave. Yes he does I can feel it. I want to leave because if I leave I won't have to look into their faces and see my mistake for the rest of my life. Every time I looked into his eyes I saw Faith's dark eyes shining from somewhere deep inside.

"Yes you do but you aren't going to tell me the truth. It's okay." I said matter of factly as if it wasn't something that hurt me to think about. I sat back down on the end of my bed and let my fingers gently grip the blanket beneath me as I looked at him standing there. Did he really want me to stay? He loved me, he did and I know because of what happened. He didn't love me anymore though. I'd become like Buffy, one of the untouchables and that hurt me so deeply I couldn't even put a word on it.

"Everything okay, what's wrong? Is that why you're here, did something happen?" I gripped the blankets a bit tighter as my mind started to piece together any bad thing that could possibly happen. I heard him say something but I was so far off in la-la land my head snapped up at him. "What? I did-didn't hear you, what did you say?" I just wanted to go to sleep, go to bed and not think about this. I stood up and made my way up to the top of the bed and began pulling the blankets back.

[weloveyouangel]

She gave me a cold glance and I frowned then. She thought that I really wanted her to leave? I didn't. I wanted her to stay because honestly? Having to go through this? The thought of knowing that it was because of me that Faith was dead -- I just couldn't do it. I was hanging with Spike alot because in a strange way, he took my mind off of alot of it, but now looking at her, it all comes back and that ... that had to change, but I doubt it ever would.

I didn't want her to leave either which way.

"No, no, nothing happened," I said and looked up at her, but she was busy ... with the comforter that was on her bed and then she looked at me, wondering what I said. This wasn't going to work. I walked over to her slowly and put my hand over hers that was on the blanket. "Come on, we're getting out of here."

Pulling her away, I walked her toward the door before opening it and letting us both out. She was so numb, it was like anyone could push her in whatever way and she would have went. I didn't want that for her, that's not who she is and she was going to get back to normal. Even if that meant she did have to leave.

We walked down the stairs and we didn't hear anyone, the place was quiet and I doubted that anyone would even notice that we were gone.

[divinecordelia]

I felt his hand on my hand and then on my arm and suddenly I was being pulled out of my room. Out into the hallway! Down the stairs! I wasn't even protesting either, at least not out loud because my mind was screaming to go back upstairs. My feet hit the lobby floor and he was serious, we really were getting out of here. I felt the cool night air hit my face and I thought for sure I was going to suffocate. I tried to pull back from him but his hand was still gripped on my elbow and he was steering me past the fountain and out onto the sidewalk.

"Angel I can't be out here." I nearly cried out as my fingers tried to loosen the hold on my arm. He was still pulling me along letting me fight him the whole way until finally I relaxed, his grip lightened as we walked. Walked for what felt like forever. Walked until my lungs and body ached and I stopped, leaning against a brick building with my head in my hands.

"I can't do this Angel, I can't do this." I sobbed quietly as I struggled to catch my breath, a bottle of water was held out for me and I grabbed it from his hand and threw it across the street with a scream. "I can't do this Angel!" I put my face back in my hands and cried. I was so scared right now out in the open, out in the open with him and if anything happened it would be my fault. Lindsey told me this was all my fault and he had hoped I relived it every day.

"I love you and I can't do this." I whispered as I wiped my eyes and stood up, walking away from him down an alley.

[weloveyouangel]

We walked for what seemed like hours and at one point, I got her a bottle of water at a stand on the sidewalk. It looked like we were downtown now, I wasn't really paying attention, but something did catch me. The vibes I was getting, we weren't that far from Wolfram and Hart and I was determined to stay away from that building. Eventually, she stopped and had to back into a wall, leaning herself against it. She looked tired, physically and emotionally and that's when she said it, she said she couldn't do this. Did she mean walk? That idea was thrown out of my head the same time she threw the bottle of water down the street.

I didn't know what to do, I didn't know if I should hug her, if that would make things worse because to be honest, the same things that she was feeling, I was feeling too. We couldn't be together and it seemed that I was going through all of this all over again, the same I did with Buffy, but this was different. Very different.

My mouth fell open slightly as she told me that she loved me; she couldn't do this, and then she walked off. I stood there, watching her walk away until finally my feet started leading toward her. "Cor ... Cordy," I tried, but she kept on walking.

I started moving faster and I finally caught up with her, grabbing her arm and pulling her to me. I wasn't going to let go. I just hugged her and she kept on fighting me and for a moment, I wondered what was with me, an alley and a person that I cared about.

"We're going to figure something out, we will," I said soothingly as I rubbed her back. I felt something around us and when I looked up, I noticed three vampires watching us.

"Oh, well, isn't that the most sweetest thing you ever did see," one of them grinned. I pulled back from Cordy and moved her behind me and suddenly I wished that I had brought a stake.

[divinecordelia]

I felt his arms lock around me and he was soothing me, telling me we'd figure something out. I finally stopped fighting against him and locked my arms around him tightly just in time to hear someone from behind me. I turned my head and saw the group of vampires, Angel pressed me behind him. I watched him taking in the three vampires and I wondered why he hadn't gone for his stake and attacked! I was about to say something when the three of them jumped and two were on Angel, the smaller blonde vampire was creeping my way with a smirk.

"Looky looky what I see, pretty little girl all for me!" She clapped happily and lunged at me as I moved quickly to one side and sent her to the ground. I searched around the outside of a dumpster for something to defend myself when I felt her small hands lock around my arm whipping me around to my ass on the ground. "When I said all for me? I meant stay still so I can eat you." I felt her palm sting across my face and I looked back up at her slowly through angry eyes.

"Sorry. I never did sit still when I was little, Mother always told me I had the worst table manners until I was about eleven." I stood up and brushed my pants off before I brought my elbow up into her face hard. I grimaced slightly and grabbed the piece of wood I'd seen beside the dumpster, it was raised over my head and hammering down on her before I even knew it. She was growling and screaming in pain as the piece of wood met blow after blow after blow until finally I slammed the pointed edge through her and watched her turn to dust.

"God damned vampires." I muttered angrily and kicked at the ash at my feet. I turned to see Angel standing there looking at me like I was insane, guess I may have looked it with a pointed bloodied two-by-four in my grip. He put his hands up like he was going to tell me to step away from the weapon, I dropped the board to the ground and looked at the blood on my hands.

"There was blood in the tub." I murmured and stood there watching the blood glisten on my arms in the moonlight before emptying the contents of my stomach behind me in a quick turn. "So much blood in the tub." I wiped my mouth on the back of my hand and turned to look at Angel. He knew how much blood was in the tub, he was Angelus. Angelus was him. They knew each others secrets.

[weloveyouangel]

Before I knew what was happening, which was quickly, two vampires were on me and I was getting slammed into the brick wall that was behind us. Kicking my foot out, it landed hard on the one vampires thigh, making him fall, while I punched the other vampire in the face before kicking him hard in the chest, making him fly onto the other side of the alley. Scanning the area quickly for a weapon, I found a small scrap of wood and kicked the vampire in the face as he was getting up before grabbing it and turning around quickly, plunging the little piece of wood into his chest.

I felt footsteps coming closer and I bent down as the other vampire approached me and gave him a swift uppercut to the chin, making him fall back and land on the dumpster before rolling off onto the pavement. Quickly, I made my way over there and grabbed the vampire by the neck, lifting him up and shoving the makeshift stake into its heart.

Turning around, I saw Cordy standing there with a peice of wood in her hand and kicking around at the dust before she looked up at me. Giving her a look, I kept my eyes on her and I saw the look in her eyes. Putting my hands up, I dropped the wood and noticed the blood that was on her hands and that's when she started talking about that night.

The night they found Faith and the night that I killed her. I remembered it and as she turned around, my face fell and I felt tears filling my eyes. This was what we were now and we weren't ever going to escape it. I knew that now.

I didn't know what to say, so I didn't say anything and we stood there for a while, trying to find words to say. Mostly I was afraid that she was going to turn her back on me and walk away, that's what I didn't want to happen, I didn't want her to give up on me and ... on us. I just got her back, so to speak, I thought she was gone forever, but she wasn't, she was here. With me.

And I fucked things up, like usual.

"I'm sorry."

[divinecordelia]

I saw the tears in his eyes as he tipped his head down. He did remember probably more painfully than I did but we did this, maybe we did this together. I knew he felt bad but he'd been ignoring me for so long I just didn't expect to see him this sad. I heard his quiet apology and he looked at his hands and then up at me before looking away again. The tears were rolling down his face and I felt my own tears start to spill, my body starting toward him. My arms wrapped around his neck and I hugged him so hard I thought I'd die, his cold tears falling against my neck.

"I'm sorry." I whispered into his ear and held him tighter, his arms wrapping around me tightly too. I just wanted to stay right here, here where we were both so sorry it hurt. It cried. I breathed and lived and we knew it would never leave us alone again, we were haunted. I remember waking up some nights scared to death that Faith's cold dead face will be there waiting for me in the dim light of the room. So scared that some nights I didn't even sleep.

"I don't know how to make this better ever again." I sad sadly as my hands stroked down his back as he cried and held onto me. "I don't know what we have to do Angel, but please can we find out what it is? I can't go on feeling like this, I can't go on knowing- knowing I killed her."

[weloveyouangel]

I just stood there, looking down at the ground as I relived those nights and I could feel something inside of me sparking and then I'd have to drag it back down. It's not supposed to be like this, but this was what it was. This was my curse now and everyday I would see it when I looked at Cordelia. I think she knew it too. The same way that I used to look at Giles and see Miss Calendar. It was something that I was never going to leave, and it was never going to leave me. A cycle.

She came to me and her arms were around me so fast as she cried and I tried to stop myself, but she and I both knew better. My arms wrapped around her and we just stood there, holding onto eachother and I realized then that she was all I had left. Wesley and Fred seemed to be drifting apart, Gunn was never here, Buffy hated us and Spike was just ... wherever the wind blew. She was all I had left.

Her and Connor. I frowned when I thought about him, but then I realized that he was living his own life now. Things were going to be better for him because he didn't have to live this hell with us. He was safe and now I just worried about Cordelia. Me and Cordelia.

"We'll figure out a way." We would, we had to. It was just something that had to be done. "Come on, let's get back," I said and moved over, putting an arm around her as we walked out of the alley.

[divinecordelia]

His arm slipped around me and just like that we were headed out of the alley and back toward the Hyperion. Now that I was out I didn't want to go back, didn't want to see the faces of the people I'd drug through hell. I let him pull me along though because he said we'd figure a way. Figure a way to make it possible to get through the day without crying so much. I glanced up at him as we walked along, his face set in determination and his arm locked safely around me.

"We didn't know, we should have but we didn't." I said as I stared straight ahead. "Someone died because we were selfish. I love you but I don't want people to die and I especially do not want to deal with Angelus ever again. No offense." We rounded the corner toward the Hyperion and I felt a cloud of gloom settling over me. I couldn't just sit here and do nothing. There had to be something I could do, anything.

"Do you think I could set up the old office again?" I asked and stopped him as he made his way across the courtyard. "Give me something to do? I mean I could do filing like the normal way, I don't care."

[weloveyouangel]

We stopped in front of the hotel and she asked if she could set up the old office again. I didn't answer what she said before because everything she said was true, we were selfish and we both didn't want to deal with Angelus again. If anything should happen -- which it won't, but if something does, I'd want her to stake me right when it did happen. It didn't matter how I turned into him, I just ... wanted it to all be over and if that meant that I was gone? Then ... so be it.

"Of course you can," I said with a nod and looked down at her. That was a step in the direction.

"We could start now, maybe I could help you?" I offered and started walking again, up the small stairs that led to the front door of the hotel lobby. I stopped, letting her be the one to open the door, it was like a new start, but it wasn't over. Eventually, we'd have to have our closure, and we haven't had that yet, but we're getting there.

[divinecordelia]

I looked at him as he glanced at me and then at the door, this was supposed to be me what? Opening new doors to new experiences or something, probably as dorky as he was. I reached down and pulled the door open and strolled into the lobby, everything was as it was when we left just a little more dusty. A lot more dusty.

I started for the office and stopped at the door, feeling the knob in my hand and smiling slightly. I'd gone through this door a million times and I'd begged Angel ten million times to come back here, leave Wolfram & Hart. Well we did but now Faith was gone.

"I'm guessing any help you can give would be good." I said with a frown as I twisted the knob to the door and it didn't budge. Guess someone locked up tight and forget the key? Maybe I should have kept that old key of mine, I'd gotten rid of it so long ago I couldn't remember when. Angel finally budged the door hard enough it popped open and dust assaulted us both. I coughed and waved my hand in front of my face before pushing the door open and stepping in.

"Are you good with a duster?" I said lightly and ran my fingertips along my desk top. So many memories here, so very many.

[weloveyouangel]

She gave me a look before she walked inside, but I just smiled softly. Through the pain, even when she thinks I'm a dork or whatever it is they call it, I can still smile. But then that smile was gone because I felt guilty for smiling. I really ... had to get over this, but I knew I wouldn't. Not anytime soon. I followed her to the office and I had to push hard on the door for it to open. I saw Wes in his office with Gunn, but no one tried to open up mine. I guess they were leaving it to me because it was ... my office.

Everything looked so dark and I could feel the dust settling everywhere once we walked inside. It wasn't the same anymore, I knewl that, but I wished it was. I wished I was behind my desk, pretending I knew what I was doing with the computer while Cordelia yelled at me about in front of me. Maybe those days will come back, but for right now? It was going to stay dark.

"Am kinda a neat freak, well, when I want to be," I said lightly and looked around, wondering if we even had a dust ... thing. I didn't know what they were called so instead I headed out and into the kitchen, grabbing a rag and some kind of spray before walking back into the office.

"This will do."