Let's See.. !
Name: Let's See
Chapter: 2
Author: Lizzy-Bo-Bizzy-Fee-Fi-Fo-Fizzy
Disclaimer: Not true in the slightest.
Rating: 15+
Warning Kinda angsty..
<3
Chapter Two
My mind starts to function again (finally) and it immediately realises that something is wrong, it could be that i had ingested enough alcohol to knock out a... wrestler kind-of-person, or maybe it's because I've woken up in Pierre's bunk. Hmmm, okay, have I been here alone all night, why did I end up in here, and where his the owner of this very cosy bunk. It's really on 'cosy' to me because it smells like Pierre, and I'm the only person who likes that smell it seems. I sit up quickly and drop back down to the pillow, laughing silently, "woah" I mutter to myself. The curtain is pulled open harshly and I see Pierre's face staring right at me, I close my eyes, they had been open for to long and they had started to water.I wanted Pierre to say something, just so I could rest a little while longer, but he didn't give me the pleasure. I started to sit up, my head spinning, I wanted to just slide out of the bunk and drop into mine so I can fall back to sleep. But, that fool had to stand in my way. I fell back onto the wall at the bunks head, resting my head back and closing my eyes. Logic and my cognative skills suddenly came back to me and I panicked. Uh-oh, why was Pierre just standing there looking at me, did I say something, do something... Gawd, he's probably thinks I'm an idiot just getting plastered halfway through the afternoon.
I could have just sat there and waited for him to say something to me, but I really wanted to go to sleep. My whole body's aching and I kinda need to throw up again. "Okay, what is it? Anything I said, it's not true, I was feeling pretty fcuked up earlier okay. Don't take anything into direct offense." I turned my head and looked directly at him. "Dave, why were you drinking? You only drink when something really big has happened, as far as I know we haven't been offered anything that great, the bands going the same as always. What is it, did Julie or your mom call?" Okay, so I mustn't have said anything I really need to be regretting. So, what am I going to say? "No, it's all good Pierre, I just think that a lot has been going through my head, and I needed to break a little bit. That's all, too much stress." Pierre looked skeptical, "David, in the gap of 20 minutes u had gone from, being annoyed at me to being completely smashed. You needed to break a little bit?" Okay, I don't feel like talking anymore, "Yes Pierre, I had a bottle so whatever. You pissed me off so get over it, let me down so I can go back to bed." Stepping aside Pierre replied, "Sorry for snapping at you, I just wanted to know why you weren't out with us... you've hardly come out with us since last break. Come talk to me when you wake up or Seb, or whoever. Come on David, I've known you for too long not to notice somethings up." I slide out and drop into my bunk, nodding, I pull the curtain closed and pass out once more.
The next time I wake up I can hear voices coming from the kitchenette area. Sitting up, I wait for a response from my body letting me know if I can get up or not, when nothing happens I stand up out of the bunk and make my way to the bathroom. Locking the door behind me I wash my face, brush my hair and my teeth, then pull down my pants to clean up the bloodied area a bit. I studied the whole of my upper thighs, they were red all over, smudged of dried blood were smeared everywhere. The lines where I had cut intentionally were a deep crimson colour, nearing black due to the residue from my pants collecting in the wounds. Groaning I took a few segments of toilet paper and soaked them with water, rubbing excess blood from my legs. I flush away the paper and the evidence that could cause a lot of fights, then wander out to get something to drink.
I should be happy not to see Pierre out here with the guys, I have a feeling if he was here he would be giving me a lot of quizzled (a/n:not real word) looks. Seb puts his hand up to silent Chuck for a moment, he looks up to me, "Pierre's on to roof, he seems kinda worried bout you." "Worried, he's a bit more than worried, he's really scared for David more like," Chuck slaps Seb's hand out of his face. "Whatever, go up there and talk to him." Seb tells me then turns back to Chuck chatting about whatever it was they were saying before. I get two cokes from the fridge and head towards the back of the bus, climbing out the back fire escape and onto the ladder up the the roof. I really like this bus because of this, you can climb onto the roof and since it has a level a little lower than the sides, you can sit there comfortably and no one can see you. I rest the drinks next to the ladder and locate Pierre, he's sitting cross-legged, face away from me. I stand there for a moment, watching him, his chest expanding slowly as he breaths in. Enjoying the peacefulness (a/n: i make up words, but u know what I'm talking about) of it all, I lean forward a little bit, making myself comfortable. Pierre's back tenses up suddenly and his hands raise up to his head, grabbing his hair and pulling out on it, he growls, mumbling out my name as he does so, "David, what the hell is going on?" he asks himself. I'm kinda confused, so I lower myself down the ladder a little bit then knock my foot on the side of the bus on purpose, to alert him to my presence. I start to lift myself up again, Pierre is looking over to me. Good, he doesn't think I heard him. "What are you doing up here, you never come up here?" It's true, he never comes up here, only if I'm up here will you ever see him up here. I don't know why, it's not like he's afraid of heights, maybe its... well I don't know, anyway. "I don't know, I just wanted a calm place, away from those other fools! Come hang with me, I'm sure you'd rather be up here where there is some actual air. I bet you feel like shit." Haha, yeah I do actually, I climb up onto the roof completely and slide over to him, laying down beside him.
He lays back next to me, so many things are running through my head right now, or maybe it just seems like that since it's recovering from a major blow of poisoning. We lay in silence for a little while, until he asks me if I want to talk. "Well, that depends, what's the subject?" I ask. "You," he replies to me simply. Sighing I turned over to look at him, "there's nothing going on with me." "Oh, of course not, you just avoid me like the plague, get plastered before 5 in the arvo, everytime anyone is around you you shy away, or just leave. You hardly leave the bunk anymore and today when I jumped on you, not only did you get really pissed off at me, but I saw your face, it hurt you...bad." Uh-oh, I start to worry a little bit, he's not supposed to know that! "Yeah, you crushed me into the bed of course I'm not going to laugh, I had no oxygen in my lungs!" "Do you honestly expect me to believe that Davey?" I rolled my eyes and looked out towards the moon, just realising how late it is. "Yes Pierre, I do! I'm pretty sure I know where you're going with this, and you don't need to. Things are fine, it's not what you think, okay." I sit up, curling my legs underneath me. Pierre sits up, situating himself directly in front of me, our knees touching. I keep my eyes down, focusing on my shoes. "Can I believe that?" I look up at his question, a puzzled look on my face as I think the question over, 'yes' I keep thinking over in my mind, that's what I have to say, 'yes!' If I know the answer than how come it comes out as, "no."
I can't lift my eyes to meet his, even though I know that's what he wants, I can feel his stare. I see his hands move to take mine from my lap, he holds them in his for several moments before he turns them over, wrists facing upward. Slowly he runs his thumb up under the sleeve, then takes both hands into one of his own, (yes, my hands are that small compared to his) and then he slides my sleeves up to expose my forearms. I shake my head, he is expecting to see something that he won't, I'm not that stupid, I don't cut for attention or help. He lowers both of my arms to rest on his leg then lifts my face to look at him. My eyes instantly connect with his, no matter how hard I try I can't bring myself to look away. I know I look guilty, I know he can pick up on that, I know that he has because he squeezes my hand and frowns at me. Okay, I can look away when he's frowning at me. My head drops and I just listen to his breathing, I can even see it in the cold air.
"What is it David, why couldn't you come to me, or, well... anyone! Do you seriously think that would be effective?" He's restraining himself from going off at me, probably realising that it won't work. Obviously. "No, I don't know, maybe. I know it doesn't do anything, well, not really. It's punishment, not... anything else! I have to do it, I know it's fcuked up, and you think I'm a kid for doing it but, I'm too fcuked up not to do it." That made more sense in my head... Looking up I see a puzzled expression on Pierre. Of course he's be puzzled, but He's trying to figure it out. No wonder I love this guy so much, he tries so hard with me, he's just such a perfect friend. Perfect Boyfriend! "Punishment for what?" he asks. "For the things that plague my mind, the things that no matter how hard I try, I can't stop thinking about. The one thing that has taken over my life and driven me crazy because I know I can't get it... I can't get him."
The grip on my hands loosen and I look up to Pierre. Now he really looks confused, like I mean, fcuked up confused. No wonder, as far as he knows I'm straight. My orientation is the only thing that I haven't shared with him, on the basis plainly that by the time I was confident with it I knew that Pierre was the perfect guy for me. Sound strange to you? Try coming in terms with your love for someone that's like a brother to you, who knows you inside out! Yeah, you compare everyone to them, but no one ever measures up. It's love. "What?" is all he manages to get out. "I'm gay Pierre, but that's not the problem, the problem is that I'm in love with someone I'm never going to be able to have." Now he tightens his grip on my hands, "You're in love with a guy?" He pauses for measure as I nod my head. "...and...who is it, do I know...him?" I can't help but smile, he's trying so hard to understand and not make a big deal of it, as well as trying to move on and just get over it."Uhh... Yeah, you should know who it is. I'm not sure I want to tell anyone yet though. So... you're okay with all this?" (I'm not going to tell him it's him, I can't!) "That's fine, it's all fine!" He seals it with a smile, but his smile fades. "I know your hurting yourself David. I've seen the blood, I've seen a lot of the blood. He's the reason, isn't he. David I know that I've only just found this out, and I don't know who this guy is, but I know you, I know you better than anyone else. He isn't worth it, please." He tagged on an extra please after that.
I don't respond, I just sit there, there's nothing to say. "Okay Pie." I say, just to end the conversation, but he wants to keep it up apparently. "Okay...you won't do it. Or, okay, leave me alone Pierre, I don't want to go into it?" "Okay... i don't know, a mixture of the two. I think he is worth it Pierre, but I'm not worth him. Understandable, why would he, one look at my legs or my stomach will make him want to pretend I don't even exist, he'd hate me." Oh great.. He knows about that now... His hands quickly move to my knees, grasping them tightly, "What, are you serious Davey?" His voice is raised an octave. He releases his breath asking my calmly, but with his voice still laced with worry and panic, "What have you done to yourself?" I really didn't want to be here, "No, never mind, I'm an idiot ignore me, don't worry, seriously!" I quickly stood up as I said this and left the top of the bus, climbing down the ladder and rushing into my bunk. Pulling the curtain closed behind me, I crush my fists into my head asking myself how stupid I could be. Pierre wouldn't just ignore what I'd just let out. I shouldn't have gone up there, especially not told him anything like I did! Gawd, I hate myself. I can hear Pierre's voice chatting to Seb's, and then someone sits outside my bunk. They push their hand through the gap and rest it on my zebra doona.
Chapter: 2
Author: Lizzy-Bo-Bizzy-Fee-Fi-Fo-Fizzy
Disclaimer: Not true in the slightest.
Rating: 15+
Warning Kinda angsty..
<3
Chapter Two
My mind starts to function again (finally) and it immediately realises that something is wrong, it could be that i had ingested enough alcohol to knock out a... wrestler kind-of-person, or maybe it's because I've woken up in Pierre's bunk. Hmmm, okay, have I been here alone all night, why did I end up in here, and where his the owner of this very cosy bunk. It's really on 'cosy' to me because it smells like Pierre, and I'm the only person who likes that smell it seems. I sit up quickly and drop back down to the pillow, laughing silently, "woah" I mutter to myself. The curtain is pulled open harshly and I see Pierre's face staring right at me, I close my eyes, they had been open for to long and they had started to water.I wanted Pierre to say something, just so I could rest a little while longer, but he didn't give me the pleasure. I started to sit up, my head spinning, I wanted to just slide out of the bunk and drop into mine so I can fall back to sleep. But, that fool had to stand in my way. I fell back onto the wall at the bunks head, resting my head back and closing my eyes. Logic and my cognative skills suddenly came back to me and I panicked. Uh-oh, why was Pierre just standing there looking at me, did I say something, do something... Gawd, he's probably thinks I'm an idiot just getting plastered halfway through the afternoon.
I could have just sat there and waited for him to say something to me, but I really wanted to go to sleep. My whole body's aching and I kinda need to throw up again. "Okay, what is it? Anything I said, it's not true, I was feeling pretty fcuked up earlier okay. Don't take anything into direct offense." I turned my head and looked directly at him. "Dave, why were you drinking? You only drink when something really big has happened, as far as I know we haven't been offered anything that great, the bands going the same as always. What is it, did Julie or your mom call?" Okay, so I mustn't have said anything I really need to be regretting. So, what am I going to say? "No, it's all good Pierre, I just think that a lot has been going through my head, and I needed to break a little bit. That's all, too much stress." Pierre looked skeptical, "David, in the gap of 20 minutes u had gone from, being annoyed at me to being completely smashed. You needed to break a little bit?" Okay, I don't feel like talking anymore, "Yes Pierre, I had a bottle so whatever. You pissed me off so get over it, let me down so I can go back to bed." Stepping aside Pierre replied, "Sorry for snapping at you, I just wanted to know why you weren't out with us... you've hardly come out with us since last break. Come talk to me when you wake up or Seb, or whoever. Come on David, I've known you for too long not to notice somethings up." I slide out and drop into my bunk, nodding, I pull the curtain closed and pass out once more.
The next time I wake up I can hear voices coming from the kitchenette area. Sitting up, I wait for a response from my body letting me know if I can get up or not, when nothing happens I stand up out of the bunk and make my way to the bathroom. Locking the door behind me I wash my face, brush my hair and my teeth, then pull down my pants to clean up the bloodied area a bit. I studied the whole of my upper thighs, they were red all over, smudged of dried blood were smeared everywhere. The lines where I had cut intentionally were a deep crimson colour, nearing black due to the residue from my pants collecting in the wounds. Groaning I took a few segments of toilet paper and soaked them with water, rubbing excess blood from my legs. I flush away the paper and the evidence that could cause a lot of fights, then wander out to get something to drink.
I should be happy not to see Pierre out here with the guys, I have a feeling if he was here he would be giving me a lot of quizzled (a/n:not real word) looks. Seb puts his hand up to silent Chuck for a moment, he looks up to me, "Pierre's on to roof, he seems kinda worried bout you." "Worried, he's a bit more than worried, he's really scared for David more like," Chuck slaps Seb's hand out of his face. "Whatever, go up there and talk to him." Seb tells me then turns back to Chuck chatting about whatever it was they were saying before. I get two cokes from the fridge and head towards the back of the bus, climbing out the back fire escape and onto the ladder up the the roof. I really like this bus because of this, you can climb onto the roof and since it has a level a little lower than the sides, you can sit there comfortably and no one can see you. I rest the drinks next to the ladder and locate Pierre, he's sitting cross-legged, face away from me. I stand there for a moment, watching him, his chest expanding slowly as he breaths in. Enjoying the peacefulness (a/n: i make up words, but u know what I'm talking about) of it all, I lean forward a little bit, making myself comfortable. Pierre's back tenses up suddenly and his hands raise up to his head, grabbing his hair and pulling out on it, he growls, mumbling out my name as he does so, "David, what the hell is going on?" he asks himself. I'm kinda confused, so I lower myself down the ladder a little bit then knock my foot on the side of the bus on purpose, to alert him to my presence. I start to lift myself up again, Pierre is looking over to me. Good, he doesn't think I heard him. "What are you doing up here, you never come up here?" It's true, he never comes up here, only if I'm up here will you ever see him up here. I don't know why, it's not like he's afraid of heights, maybe its... well I don't know, anyway. "I don't know, I just wanted a calm place, away from those other fools! Come hang with me, I'm sure you'd rather be up here where there is some actual air. I bet you feel like shit." Haha, yeah I do actually, I climb up onto the roof completely and slide over to him, laying down beside him.
He lays back next to me, so many things are running through my head right now, or maybe it just seems like that since it's recovering from a major blow of poisoning. We lay in silence for a little while, until he asks me if I want to talk. "Well, that depends, what's the subject?" I ask. "You," he replies to me simply. Sighing I turned over to look at him, "there's nothing going on with me." "Oh, of course not, you just avoid me like the plague, get plastered before 5 in the arvo, everytime anyone is around you you shy away, or just leave. You hardly leave the bunk anymore and today when I jumped on you, not only did you get really pissed off at me, but I saw your face, it hurt you...bad." Uh-oh, I start to worry a little bit, he's not supposed to know that! "Yeah, you crushed me into the bed of course I'm not going to laugh, I had no oxygen in my lungs!" "Do you honestly expect me to believe that Davey?" I rolled my eyes and looked out towards the moon, just realising how late it is. "Yes Pierre, I do! I'm pretty sure I know where you're going with this, and you don't need to. Things are fine, it's not what you think, okay." I sit up, curling my legs underneath me. Pierre sits up, situating himself directly in front of me, our knees touching. I keep my eyes down, focusing on my shoes. "Can I believe that?" I look up at his question, a puzzled look on my face as I think the question over, 'yes' I keep thinking over in my mind, that's what I have to say, 'yes!' If I know the answer than how come it comes out as, "no."
I can't lift my eyes to meet his, even though I know that's what he wants, I can feel his stare. I see his hands move to take mine from my lap, he holds them in his for several moments before he turns them over, wrists facing upward. Slowly he runs his thumb up under the sleeve, then takes both hands into one of his own, (yes, my hands are that small compared to his) and then he slides my sleeves up to expose my forearms. I shake my head, he is expecting to see something that he won't, I'm not that stupid, I don't cut for attention or help. He lowers both of my arms to rest on his leg then lifts my face to look at him. My eyes instantly connect with his, no matter how hard I try I can't bring myself to look away. I know I look guilty, I know he can pick up on that, I know that he has because he squeezes my hand and frowns at me. Okay, I can look away when he's frowning at me. My head drops and I just listen to his breathing, I can even see it in the cold air.
"What is it David, why couldn't you come to me, or, well... anyone! Do you seriously think that would be effective?" He's restraining himself from going off at me, probably realising that it won't work. Obviously. "No, I don't know, maybe. I know it doesn't do anything, well, not really. It's punishment, not... anything else! I have to do it, I know it's fcuked up, and you think I'm a kid for doing it but, I'm too fcuked up not to do it." That made more sense in my head... Looking up I see a puzzled expression on Pierre. Of course he's be puzzled, but He's trying to figure it out. No wonder I love this guy so much, he tries so hard with me, he's just such a perfect friend. Perfect Boyfriend! "Punishment for what?" he asks. "For the things that plague my mind, the things that no matter how hard I try, I can't stop thinking about. The one thing that has taken over my life and driven me crazy because I know I can't get it... I can't get him."
The grip on my hands loosen and I look up to Pierre. Now he really looks confused, like I mean, fcuked up confused. No wonder, as far as he knows I'm straight. My orientation is the only thing that I haven't shared with him, on the basis plainly that by the time I was confident with it I knew that Pierre was the perfect guy for me. Sound strange to you? Try coming in terms with your love for someone that's like a brother to you, who knows you inside out! Yeah, you compare everyone to them, but no one ever measures up. It's love. "What?" is all he manages to get out. "I'm gay Pierre, but that's not the problem, the problem is that I'm in love with someone I'm never going to be able to have." Now he tightens his grip on my hands, "You're in love with a guy?" He pauses for measure as I nod my head. "...and...who is it, do I know...him?" I can't help but smile, he's trying so hard to understand and not make a big deal of it, as well as trying to move on and just get over it."Uhh... Yeah, you should know who it is. I'm not sure I want to tell anyone yet though. So... you're okay with all this?" (I'm not going to tell him it's him, I can't!) "That's fine, it's all fine!" He seals it with a smile, but his smile fades. "I know your hurting yourself David. I've seen the blood, I've seen a lot of the blood. He's the reason, isn't he. David I know that I've only just found this out, and I don't know who this guy is, but I know you, I know you better than anyone else. He isn't worth it, please." He tagged on an extra please after that.
I don't respond, I just sit there, there's nothing to say. "Okay Pie." I say, just to end the conversation, but he wants to keep it up apparently. "Okay...you won't do it. Or, okay, leave me alone Pierre, I don't want to go into it?" "Okay... i don't know, a mixture of the two. I think he is worth it Pierre, but I'm not worth him. Understandable, why would he, one look at my legs or my stomach will make him want to pretend I don't even exist, he'd hate me." Oh great.. He knows about that now... His hands quickly move to my knees, grasping them tightly, "What, are you serious Davey?" His voice is raised an octave. He releases his breath asking my calmly, but with his voice still laced with worry and panic, "What have you done to yourself?" I really didn't want to be here, "No, never mind, I'm an idiot ignore me, don't worry, seriously!" I quickly stood up as I said this and left the top of the bus, climbing down the ladder and rushing into my bunk. Pulling the curtain closed behind me, I crush my fists into my head asking myself how stupid I could be. Pierre wouldn't just ignore what I'd just let out. I shouldn't have gone up there, especially not told him anything like I did! Gawd, I hate myself. I can hear Pierre's voice chatting to Seb's, and then someone sits outside my bunk. They push their hand through the gap and rest it on my zebra doona.