the secret's out.....
For the longest time, Ive alwalys had ppl aske me, "Why dont you ever talk about your mom?" And i would always say, "Hey! Look at that bird!" And everyone would forget it.
I think its time to let all my friends know my past. I never really talk to much about it. Im ashamed of it...and afraid. But now I think I need to face it and get over it.
Today when i got home from work, I found a package on my door. It was from my mom. It was old christmas gifts she never gave me over the past few yrs. I was angry, sad, shocked all at the same time. I hate it when she sends me gifts because then i know that she IS thinking about me. And i dont want her to. I hate her for what she did. I hate her for leaving me. Thats what she did. She left me. Not with my dad or another family member...but she left me all alone to fend for myself at 16. I had to pay the bills. I worked 3 jobs! I did that! Not her!...and I hate her for it. (remorse)
So i open up my gifts. They're nice. She still remembers what i like. I feel low. Ive never thought i could feel this low. Never...Why cant i just forget it and love her again? I think thats the proublem. I loved her so much that I was the one there for her when no one else was! ME!! I defended her till my heart was raw with pain. She was my best friend. The only one I had by my side when i tried to take my own life 5 yrs ago. So how could she just leave me? Was I that bad of a daughter to make her want to leave?
Sometimes i just want to say sorry for what ever i did that was so bad. But im sooo fucking angry! Its not right! Its not fair! I just wanted my mother by my side. Ive never asked anything from anyone! Im just so angry that i love her so much. I just want her to love me back...and say she's sorry for what she did to me.
At this point in my Journal im crying and cant stop. I think im crying more bc i miss her...or hate her...not sure...
I think its time to let all my friends know my past. I never really talk to much about it. Im ashamed of it...and afraid. But now I think I need to face it and get over it.
Today when i got home from work, I found a package on my door. It was from my mom. It was old christmas gifts she never gave me over the past few yrs. I was angry, sad, shocked all at the same time. I hate it when she sends me gifts because then i know that she IS thinking about me. And i dont want her to. I hate her for what she did. I hate her for leaving me. Thats what she did. She left me. Not with my dad or another family member...but she left me all alone to fend for myself at 16. I had to pay the bills. I worked 3 jobs! I did that! Not her!...and I hate her for it. (remorse)
So i open up my gifts. They're nice. She still remembers what i like. I feel low. Ive never thought i could feel this low. Never...Why cant i just forget it and love her again? I think thats the proublem. I loved her so much that I was the one there for her when no one else was! ME!! I defended her till my heart was raw with pain. She was my best friend. The only one I had by my side when i tried to take my own life 5 yrs ago. So how could she just leave me? Was I that bad of a daughter to make her want to leave?
Sometimes i just want to say sorry for what ever i did that was so bad. But im sooo fucking angry! Its not right! Its not fair! I just wanted my mother by my side. Ive never asked anything from anyone! Im just so angry that i love her so much. I just want her to love me back...and say she's sorry for what she did to me.
At this point in my Journal im crying and cant stop. I think im crying more bc i miss her...or hate her...not sure...