(no subject)
Ugh, I hate finding reasons to wake up in the morning these days. And then I have to deal with my bi-polar like mood, I honestly do think I am, but people say other wise. For the past week I have been feeling like absolutely crap. Especially when I just finished eating. I might be lactose intolerant, oh great. I'm sort of like a cat now, just like I always wanted to be.
I've been so depressed lately too. I know that I will be leaving this place sometime in August, but I don't want to go now. Firstly, where would I go. There is nothing to go back to by that time. The parents are still living with Kokum, and well...that's all I have for options. Secondly, I don't want to leave Shawn. Before I almost classified my feelings for him as some little girly-girl crush, but now looking deeper into things it really truly isnt. I see him as this big brother...that I never had. His life seems interesting, but of course in this line of work he has to remain secretive and very professional. And never in a million years would I hold that against him. When he is in a good mood, he so great to be around. I just hate being around him in his bad mood. He's all tired, and stressed, and over worked, and wants nothing more but to go home. And I really don't blame him at all with this kind of job. I just wish he wasnt so busy, and I could talk to him more, without having to fight for his attention. I hate being so damn superficial. I just don't want to leave him...I left so many other good relationships with other people from different group homes, I'm sick and tired of it. I want one that will remain...but Ramona told me that saying goodbye is a part of life. Blah, blah, blah....it shouldnt be, in some cases.
I tried telling him this yesterday, but the words couldnt find their way to my mouth, and I just kind of stood there looking like a moron.
*sigh*
I just feel so damn empty. I need new friends. I need a new life. I don't think that I can go back to Wetaskiwin now....not like that matters to any one else.
*sigh*
I've been so depressed lately too. I know that I will be leaving this place sometime in August, but I don't want to go now. Firstly, where would I go. There is nothing to go back to by that time. The parents are still living with Kokum, and well...that's all I have for options. Secondly, I don't want to leave Shawn. Before I almost classified my feelings for him as some little girly-girl crush, but now looking deeper into things it really truly isnt. I see him as this big brother...that I never had. His life seems interesting, but of course in this line of work he has to remain secretive and very professional. And never in a million years would I hold that against him. When he is in a good mood, he so great to be around. I just hate being around him in his bad mood. He's all tired, and stressed, and over worked, and wants nothing more but to go home. And I really don't blame him at all with this kind of job. I just wish he wasnt so busy, and I could talk to him more, without having to fight for his attention. I hate being so damn superficial. I just don't want to leave him...I left so many other good relationships with other people from different group homes, I'm sick and tired of it. I want one that will remain...but Ramona told me that saying goodbye is a part of life. Blah, blah, blah....it shouldnt be, in some cases.
I tried telling him this yesterday, but the words couldnt find their way to my mouth, and I just kind of stood there looking like a moron.
*sigh*
I just feel so damn empty. I need new friends. I need a new life. I don't think that I can go back to Wetaskiwin now....not like that matters to any one else.
*sigh*