bouncing back
Sometimes I feel trapped. The other day, when I last posted, I felt trapped. It's the claustrophobia of emotional tunnel vision and narrow-minded thinking. I fled the house for the isolation of the desert. I didn't take the camera; while I've enjoyed capturing the scenery, I really just needed somewhere calm and unoccupied which the desert is to say the least. I also didn't take any wallet, ID, money, hat, cell phone, water, shoes, etc. I had just had enough and walked out the door. Not recklessly, I just.. went. In fact, I didn't notice that these items were missing until I was alone amid the rocks and heat. My 4x4 had brought me to a lower peak and I went on alone up an awkward ridge not particularly welcoming to wheeled vehicles. Thirst came quickly. The dry wind can literally strip moisture from your skin. Somehow I didn't mind. In fact, I kind of welcomed the environmental stress. It didn't pile on top of the emotional stress, it merely pushed it to the side. Which is exactly what I needed.
So I sat on a boulder in the bright, cloudless sky and let my mind wander as I surveyed the Mojave. It was kind of a religious experience. In fact, at one point I was reminded of Jesus spending 40 days and 40 nights in the deserted wilderness after his baptism. (Which, yes, led to that exchange between Jessica and I the following day.) But instead of being tempted by Satan during the experience like Jesus had been, I escaped from evil by going into the desert. In reality, I'm most vulnerable to the dark side when I'm stuck indoors for too long. Four walls and a ceiling limits my perspective figuratively as well literally. They keep the bad thoughts corralled near the source -- i.e. myself. But when you're a recovering agoraphobic, four walls and a ceiling feels as natural as can be.
I climbed higher, further away from the noise of malfunctioning life. I could see all the way from the north edge of the Mojave to the south edge. I didn't even know such a vantage point was accessible -- or even existent -- in this part of the desert. Why did I spend all those days hiding inside this artificially lit, climate controlled cage of wood and plaster?
So I sat on a boulder in the bright, cloudless sky and let my mind wander as I surveyed the Mojave. It was kind of a religious experience. In fact, at one point I was reminded of Jesus spending 40 days and 40 nights in the deserted wilderness after his baptism. (Which, yes, led to that exchange between Jessica and I the following day.) But instead of being tempted by Satan during the experience like Jesus had been, I escaped from evil by going into the desert. In reality, I'm most vulnerable to the dark side when I'm stuck indoors for too long. Four walls and a ceiling limits my perspective figuratively as well literally. They keep the bad thoughts corralled near the source -- i.e. myself. But when you're a recovering agoraphobic, four walls and a ceiling feels as natural as can be.
I climbed higher, further away from the noise of malfunctioning life. I could see all the way from the north edge of the Mojave to the south edge. I didn't even know such a vantage point was accessible -- or even existent -- in this part of the desert. Why did I spend all those days hiding inside this artificially lit, climate controlled cage of wood and plaster?