still sad

[helovehislamb]

after a week, we're all still missing him bad. we're all still wanting him back.
i thought about all the times i thought about dying, especially today when i lost my phone i thought i could die. but i never found the courage to. ive never wanted to really die. because im betting on so much more. i'm betting of having greater achievements so my family can be proud of me. im betting on greater achievements so i can be at a position to protect my family. i see my cousin as a policeman, and it's motivates me each time i feel like i've missed the mark. and then i thought about the times wesley tried to teach me games but i didnt want to/wasnt gonna listen cos i felt stupid. and then i thought of the times his mummy told us about all his achievements and i felt stupid and pressured.

the thing is, he never laughed at me/us. but i/we didn't see that. ):
we just stopped hanging out ]:

now when i feel like dying/i could die/i wanna give up, i'd push myself a lil bit further.
i always lied about being strong
i always lied about never thinking about killing myself
i always lied about being at safe places
and being with safe people
i always lied about doing well
just so people don't worry about me.

and now
just so people don't worry about me
imma do well
im gonna be strong
im gonna not think about killing myself
im gonna be at safe places
im gonna be with safe people

seeing so much work before me, i feel darn useless.
but i cannot give up. not this time.