(no subject)
so i guess i need to start coming to terms with the fact that i am afflicted with something i am going to call "one of the guys" syndrome.
i've always hung out with dudes a lot, by my own choice (not that i don't LOVE having female friends and hanging out with them). but last night was unbearable in making me feel unfeminine/like i'm not a woman/like i don't have sensistivities and some "ladylike" characteristics. after going to landmark with andrew and bryan which was super fun, we decided to return to andrew's house for a little afterbar. as soon as andrew and i got there (bryan wanted to go home and continue on his everquest II), troy, jon and lee pulled up. i was greeted with usual hugs and cheer and everything was fine and dandy. but a little later on when we were all sitting around the house acting rowdy and talking about all sorts of shit, some subjects that i am not exactly super fond of being privy to came up... girls, and certain physical attributes about certain females that all of us know, and basically in my opinion too much information and quite overwhelming to my not-so-virgin ears.
i don't know why it really struck me this time, but i really started feeling like i wasn't a female sitting there listening to this conversation, or that i AM a female but that i'm so "cool" that i don't mind hearing raunchy stuff all the time.... don't get me wrong, i talk about stuff like this all the time but last night really struck me as a little bit inappropriate, especially when you have a female IN YOUR COMPANY! so then, andrew's neighbor brian showed up, and i asked him where his girlfriend sarah was. she was doing homework. i was sad about this because i was in desperate need of some female companionship at this point.
then this other guy, adam, showed up. now when he walked in the door i immediately decided i wanted to get to know this dude better. he was really good looking, kinda punk rocky, and i knew he had just gone on a bike trip down south. so i gave him the eyes and he definitely seemed to be responding! i felt a little better until troy, jon and andrew started up some more raunch ass conversation. at this point i put my head down on the kitchen table and just sort of laughed to myself... brian, who was sitting across from me actually noticed my small gesture and said "god i bet you're really enjoying this conversation..." i smiled in response and gratiutude for his empathy. brian is a guy who knows how to treat a lady, if the way he treats sarah is any indication.. and i think he is a little more sensitive to the "feminine personality."
anyway, after a while i decided to go talk to adam since i was a little bit interested, so i went across the room and sat next to him. we started up a good conversation and i felt a little vibe between us... wellllll i guess andrew must have picked up on this little vibe too cause about 10 minutes later he gets a chair, puts it BETWEEN adam and i, and joins the conversation. it took me a second, but i quickly realized that i was, for the first time, being.... pussy blocked? is that the female equivalent of cock blocking? CHRIST!!!!! needless to say, adam probably thought at this point that andrew was my boyfriend (which he is not, for the record, so you can all stop asking us that) and he backed off a little bit and our conversation waned. i was pretty upset. here i was, trying to exude my feminine charms, when one of the guys decides to just fuck it up! maybe andrew wasn't even TRYING to p-block me, but rather just didn't realize that i was interested in adam and trying to flirt a little and maybe get a date to hang out sometime in the future..
so i started feelin kinda shitty and by this time troy and jon had come and joined the conversation with andrew and i and i decided to express to them my dismay at having no girls to hang with tonight. they all felt bad, and gave me like 5 hugs and tried to concole me with shit like "well you should think of it as a compliment, you're so cool who needs other girls" etc etc. AUGH! i did appreciate the hugs and kind words but i still felt like they had no idea where i was coming from, although i didn't care to elaborate on my feelings at that time.
shortly thereafter i decided it was time for me to go home (it was around 3:30 and we got to andrew's around 12:30) and i tried to kind of sneak out and be like... "k guys well i'm gonna go" but then they are all asking "you are not gonna drive are you?" of course i'm not, so i tell them i will walk which of course ends the party because these guys do actually love me and would never consider letting me walk the mile home alone. (i know this because never once have i walked it alone) so everyone gathers their shit, and we all leave and andrew offers to drive me home in my car and walk himself home... i accept, and we get to my place and giggle in the car for awhile, give big hugs and i go in the house and immediately a few tears fall out of my eyes.
i guess i cried a little because i know these dudes are my friends, and care about me, and have good intentions.. and i love them a lot too! but i just don't want to be one of the guys anymore. i want to be a woman, and seen as a woman, and talked to like a woman! you all know i'm not a tomboy or something of that sort... i like to think i'm pretty much the opposite of butchy! and i guess maybe some of it is the fact that i haven't dated anyone in a while, and maybe i feel like i'm sort of shooting myself in the foot. i don't know, but i do know i don't have this syndrome with other male friends of mine quite the way i do with this crew. my guys at work and i talk all sorts of crazy shit and act like 5 year olds 75% of the time but i still feel like they recognize me as more of a lady.
ok. well now that i'm done with the chronological story of last night, my thoughts are getting jumbled and bery hard to articulate but i think you guys get the picture. if you read this far, thanks. see you all soon and happy birthday gina!
xo
-h
i've always hung out with dudes a lot, by my own choice (not that i don't LOVE having female friends and hanging out with them). but last night was unbearable in making me feel unfeminine/like i'm not a woman/like i don't have sensistivities and some "ladylike" characteristics. after going to landmark with andrew and bryan which was super fun, we decided to return to andrew's house for a little afterbar. as soon as andrew and i got there (bryan wanted to go home and continue on his everquest II), troy, jon and lee pulled up. i was greeted with usual hugs and cheer and everything was fine and dandy. but a little later on when we were all sitting around the house acting rowdy and talking about all sorts of shit, some subjects that i am not exactly super fond of being privy to came up... girls, and certain physical attributes about certain females that all of us know, and basically in my opinion too much information and quite overwhelming to my not-so-virgin ears.
i don't know why it really struck me this time, but i really started feeling like i wasn't a female sitting there listening to this conversation, or that i AM a female but that i'm so "cool" that i don't mind hearing raunchy stuff all the time.... don't get me wrong, i talk about stuff like this all the time but last night really struck me as a little bit inappropriate, especially when you have a female IN YOUR COMPANY! so then, andrew's neighbor brian showed up, and i asked him where his girlfriend sarah was. she was doing homework. i was sad about this because i was in desperate need of some female companionship at this point.
then this other guy, adam, showed up. now when he walked in the door i immediately decided i wanted to get to know this dude better. he was really good looking, kinda punk rocky, and i knew he had just gone on a bike trip down south. so i gave him the eyes and he definitely seemed to be responding! i felt a little better until troy, jon and andrew started up some more raunch ass conversation. at this point i put my head down on the kitchen table and just sort of laughed to myself... brian, who was sitting across from me actually noticed my small gesture and said "god i bet you're really enjoying this conversation..." i smiled in response and gratiutude for his empathy. brian is a guy who knows how to treat a lady, if the way he treats sarah is any indication.. and i think he is a little more sensitive to the "feminine personality."
anyway, after a while i decided to go talk to adam since i was a little bit interested, so i went across the room and sat next to him. we started up a good conversation and i felt a little vibe between us... wellllll i guess andrew must have picked up on this little vibe too cause about 10 minutes later he gets a chair, puts it BETWEEN adam and i, and joins the conversation. it took me a second, but i quickly realized that i was, for the first time, being.... pussy blocked? is that the female equivalent of cock blocking? CHRIST!!!!! needless to say, adam probably thought at this point that andrew was my boyfriend (which he is not, for the record, so you can all stop asking us that) and he backed off a little bit and our conversation waned. i was pretty upset. here i was, trying to exude my feminine charms, when one of the guys decides to just fuck it up! maybe andrew wasn't even TRYING to p-block me, but rather just didn't realize that i was interested in adam and trying to flirt a little and maybe get a date to hang out sometime in the future..
so i started feelin kinda shitty and by this time troy and jon had come and joined the conversation with andrew and i and i decided to express to them my dismay at having no girls to hang with tonight. they all felt bad, and gave me like 5 hugs and tried to concole me with shit like "well you should think of it as a compliment, you're so cool who needs other girls" etc etc. AUGH! i did appreciate the hugs and kind words but i still felt like they had no idea where i was coming from, although i didn't care to elaborate on my feelings at that time.
shortly thereafter i decided it was time for me to go home (it was around 3:30 and we got to andrew's around 12:30) and i tried to kind of sneak out and be like... "k guys well i'm gonna go" but then they are all asking "you are not gonna drive are you?" of course i'm not, so i tell them i will walk which of course ends the party because these guys do actually love me and would never consider letting me walk the mile home alone. (i know this because never once have i walked it alone) so everyone gathers their shit, and we all leave and andrew offers to drive me home in my car and walk himself home... i accept, and we get to my place and giggle in the car for awhile, give big hugs and i go in the house and immediately a few tears fall out of my eyes.
i guess i cried a little because i know these dudes are my friends, and care about me, and have good intentions.. and i love them a lot too! but i just don't want to be one of the guys anymore. i want to be a woman, and seen as a woman, and talked to like a woman! you all know i'm not a tomboy or something of that sort... i like to think i'm pretty much the opposite of butchy! and i guess maybe some of it is the fact that i haven't dated anyone in a while, and maybe i feel like i'm sort of shooting myself in the foot. i don't know, but i do know i don't have this syndrome with other male friends of mine quite the way i do with this crew. my guys at work and i talk all sorts of crazy shit and act like 5 year olds 75% of the time but i still feel like they recognize me as more of a lady.
ok. well now that i'm done with the chronological story of last night, my thoughts are getting jumbled and bery hard to articulate but i think you guys get the picture. if you read this far, thanks. see you all soon and happy birthday gina!
xo
-h