Just when you think Life is all nice & quiet
BAM!!! It pulls a punch or 2 on you :(
'ello...how are you? Up until last Thursday I was relatively 'ok' by most standards, but Life seems to want me to have some Drama. This has been literally tearing me up inside for the past 5 days & I have to get this out of me. Granted Steve has been WONDERFUL at listening to me;holding me as I cry & giving me his thoughts/'gut feeling' about all of this. He's been so loving & kind (like he always is),and if it wasn't for him as of late I swear I'd be going off the deep end :(
As of this past Thursday night my MOTHER has made contact with me. No, not directly, but via my uncle Chuck. The first time he called he just left a message for me to call him back (I was still at work). He didn't say why he was calling so naturally when Steve told me I thought "Ok, who is dead in my family?". Gotta be my Mother, my Aunt or my uncles. When I did speak to my uncle come to find out my Mother wants to discuss cemetary plots & other stuff. She had said to my uncle that 'she knows how I am & feel', and that's why she contacted him. I remember a few years ago she tried to contact me about the 2 cemetary plots my father has out in Paxton (not sure of the cemetary itself), and through my aunt she had said I have to contact them about it. Either to find out about selling them or using them. As for 'the other things' my uncle didn't have a clue. He said as of late she's not doing too well, which doesn't surprise me. Last time I saw her 4 yrs ago she looked younger than her 76yrs, but she wasn't getting around too well. She's got high blood pressure;is overweight;smokes like a chimney (and if she doesn't have emphysema I'm Mother Teresa); has fibromyalgia and arthritis. Yeah, sounds sucky, huh? She was never into keeping herself healthy whatsoever. I know, I'm no great shakes at it either, but at least I don't smoke.
What got me was how my uncle was REALLY all for me contacting her. He said things like "She's all along, and probably doesn't have that many years left in her.". He knew the hell I went through with her (seems my aunt - his exwife- was no picnic either whilst they were married), and how my father only added to that grief. He said she had seen my wedding announcement & was glad I was still with Steve. I'll never forget that 1 Christmas when Steve & I were first dating when she met him. Had said to us we should come & visit her sometime. WWWWOOOOWWW!!! An invite from my mother to visit her is a VERY RARE thing indeed!!! When her own family would come over for the holiday meals she'd gripe about cooking for them, and them in general 'They only come here for the free food!". Nice,huh?
So, now what do I do? Suck up the anger I still have for her for all those wasted years of dealing with her & her illness? Do all the 'Company Conversation" so she can visit with us & get to meet Steve? Bring over my wedding album so she can see my new family? WWWTTTFFF!!! Part of me is thinking she'll sooner or later start pushing my buttons & we'd end up yelling at each other. I also think she'll pull the 'poor remorseful me' act. She's done it before with various family members of hers. Yeah, she's lonely alright - she's alienated her 3 kids with her emotional crap over the years!
Another thought I've had is,well, maybe - JUST MAYBE - Time has softened her a bit & SHE'S starting to regret how she was towards me all those years ago. I dunno about her anymore. 10yrs is a looooooooooooooong time to be out of touch with someone. Changes do occur, but some things just never do. I know she'd get a kick out of seeing pics of the cats, and hearing stories about them (she adores cats). I know she'd also like to see pics of Steve's neices at the wedding. As for my wedding kimono she's prolly say/think "Well that's Chelsea just being Chelsea".
Only 1 of my friends knows exactly how I'm feeling right now, but I can't contact him. His mother is in the end-stage of lung cancer at 81yrs old & him & his wife have to start sorting out all of her stuff before she goes. His father left his family when he was 6 or 8yrs old, and over the ensuing years the father would come back east & visit with them all. My friend said yeah, it was VERY VERY tough to see his Father after all those years & try to get to know him. His mother also had 'issues' & would tell him & his sister to hate their father. Seems his mother & my mother were cut from the same cloth.
Wanna hear something super sweet? Steve's mother had been really worried about that phone call, and when she had come down that night & saw me bawling my eyes out she knew something was wrong. I had gone out shopping & she had come picked me up & she said to me "You know Chelsea, you are my family know. I love you like my own daughter, and we are all here for you at this time. If you ever need a shoulder to lean on or cry on you CAN come to me'. She gave me a great big hug, and I told her how VERY hard it was for me to hear that AND accept that caring from her. I had never got those kind of words from my mother ever in my entire life!!! I think she understood, but I still kinda feel a bit uneasy about taking her up on that.
So now what do I do?? I wish I could just tell my uncle 'tell her I'll see her at her funeral'. When my father died I did nothing. I believe his brother Edmund took care of everything. I didn't go to his funeral nor know where he's buried. With my mother it's different though. I just don't think we could forge some type of relationship before she dies. Trust me, she's 76 & probably has another 20yrs left in her regardless of all her ailments.
Bitterness towards life pickles ya a little bit I believe. Makes you stay around longer so you can end up hating yourself & the choices you made in your life.
Ok, I'm off to bed I guess. Going to see Velvet Revolver down at the Tweeter Center tomorrow night after work. Got 12 people going! WOO HOO!!! Probably won't be getting back home until 12am so work on Wednesday is soooooooooo gonna suck :( RED BULL HERE I COME!
'ello...how are you? Up until last Thursday I was relatively 'ok' by most standards, but Life seems to want me to have some Drama. This has been literally tearing me up inside for the past 5 days & I have to get this out of me. Granted Steve has been WONDERFUL at listening to me;holding me as I cry & giving me his thoughts/'gut feeling' about all of this. He's been so loving & kind (like he always is),and if it wasn't for him as of late I swear I'd be going off the deep end :(
As of this past Thursday night my MOTHER has made contact with me. No, not directly, but via my uncle Chuck. The first time he called he just left a message for me to call him back (I was still at work). He didn't say why he was calling so naturally when Steve told me I thought "Ok, who is dead in my family?". Gotta be my Mother, my Aunt or my uncles. When I did speak to my uncle come to find out my Mother wants to discuss cemetary plots & other stuff. She had said to my uncle that 'she knows how I am & feel', and that's why she contacted him. I remember a few years ago she tried to contact me about the 2 cemetary plots my father has out in Paxton (not sure of the cemetary itself), and through my aunt she had said I have to contact them about it. Either to find out about selling them or using them. As for 'the other things' my uncle didn't have a clue. He said as of late she's not doing too well, which doesn't surprise me. Last time I saw her 4 yrs ago she looked younger than her 76yrs, but she wasn't getting around too well. She's got high blood pressure;is overweight;smokes like a chimney (and if she doesn't have emphysema I'm Mother Teresa); has fibromyalgia and arthritis. Yeah, sounds sucky, huh? She was never into keeping herself healthy whatsoever. I know, I'm no great shakes at it either, but at least I don't smoke.
What got me was how my uncle was REALLY all for me contacting her. He said things like "She's all along, and probably doesn't have that many years left in her.". He knew the hell I went through with her (seems my aunt - his exwife- was no picnic either whilst they were married), and how my father only added to that grief. He said she had seen my wedding announcement & was glad I was still with Steve. I'll never forget that 1 Christmas when Steve & I were first dating when she met him. Had said to us we should come & visit her sometime. WWWWOOOOWWW!!! An invite from my mother to visit her is a VERY RARE thing indeed!!! When her own family would come over for the holiday meals she'd gripe about cooking for them, and them in general 'They only come here for the free food!". Nice,huh?
So, now what do I do? Suck up the anger I still have for her for all those wasted years of dealing with her & her illness? Do all the 'Company Conversation" so she can visit with us & get to meet Steve? Bring over my wedding album so she can see my new family? WWWTTTFFF!!! Part of me is thinking she'll sooner or later start pushing my buttons & we'd end up yelling at each other. I also think she'll pull the 'poor remorseful me' act. She's done it before with various family members of hers. Yeah, she's lonely alright - she's alienated her 3 kids with her emotional crap over the years!
Another thought I've had is,well, maybe - JUST MAYBE - Time has softened her a bit & SHE'S starting to regret how she was towards me all those years ago. I dunno about her anymore. 10yrs is a looooooooooooooong time to be out of touch with someone. Changes do occur, but some things just never do. I know she'd get a kick out of seeing pics of the cats, and hearing stories about them (she adores cats). I know she'd also like to see pics of Steve's neices at the wedding. As for my wedding kimono she's prolly say/think "Well that's Chelsea just being Chelsea".
Only 1 of my friends knows exactly how I'm feeling right now, but I can't contact him. His mother is in the end-stage of lung cancer at 81yrs old & him & his wife have to start sorting out all of her stuff before she goes. His father left his family when he was 6 or 8yrs old, and over the ensuing years the father would come back east & visit with them all. My friend said yeah, it was VERY VERY tough to see his Father after all those years & try to get to know him. His mother also had 'issues' & would tell him & his sister to hate their father. Seems his mother & my mother were cut from the same cloth.
Wanna hear something super sweet? Steve's mother had been really worried about that phone call, and when she had come down that night & saw me bawling my eyes out she knew something was wrong. I had gone out shopping & she had come picked me up & she said to me "You know Chelsea, you are my family know. I love you like my own daughter, and we are all here for you at this time. If you ever need a shoulder to lean on or cry on you CAN come to me'. She gave me a great big hug, and I told her how VERY hard it was for me to hear that AND accept that caring from her. I had never got those kind of words from my mother ever in my entire life!!! I think she understood, but I still kinda feel a bit uneasy about taking her up on that.
So now what do I do?? I wish I could just tell my uncle 'tell her I'll see her at her funeral'. When my father died I did nothing. I believe his brother Edmund took care of everything. I didn't go to his funeral nor know where he's buried. With my mother it's different though. I just don't think we could forge some type of relationship before she dies. Trust me, she's 76 & probably has another 20yrs left in her regardless of all her ailments.
Bitterness towards life pickles ya a little bit I believe. Makes you stay around longer so you can end up hating yourself & the choices you made in your life.
Ok, I'm off to bed I guess. Going to see Velvet Revolver down at the Tweeter Center tomorrow night after work. Got 12 people going! WOO HOO!!! Probably won't be getting back home until 12am so work on Wednesday is soooooooooo gonna suck :( RED BULL HERE I COME!