just smile and pretend i never mattered anyway
i wish i could say that the laser treatment (which involved another goddamn needle shoved into my fucked eye) i had a week ago has helped with getting rid of the blood in my vision, but it hasn't. the doctor explained that the treatment is done to try to dry up the hemorrhaged blood vessel and that it can't get rid of the blood immediately. for some, it may work in a couple of days. others it takes a couple of weeks, maybe even months and sometimes it doesn't work at all and patients may need several of these treatments. or worse, actual surgery on the eye. it's hard to not be depressed about all of this, especially when i went to my Endocronologist yesterday and she acted extremely worried about everything that's happened with my eye....she told me that the eyes and the kidneys often mirror one another so she ordered extra blood work and put me on some new medication for my kidneys because she is "extremely concerned about my kidney function". fucking great.
i'm tired and i'm scared and i'm fucking depressed and i just don't know what to do anymore. it's really hard to be optimistic when i'm fucking 25-years-old and already i'm facing possible vision loss. ever since i was old enough to understand how serious a condition diabetes is, my greatest fear has been losing my vision. this is why i've always, ALWAYS taken care of myself and managed my diabetes and have done everything my doctor's have told me to do. and look where i am...at 25. i have to wonder what the quality of my life is going to be like in ten years...hell, even 5 years worries me at this point. yeah, yeah, yeah i should be thankful for what i have right now...but you know what? when this happened late monday night and i freaked out and cried myself to sleep, i realized that i have no one. and that's a really shitty feeling.
i don't want this depression to consume me or destroy me; i don't want to be the person i was 10 years ago all over again...those were bad times but i'm honestly afraid that i'm facing even worse with the approaching new year.
i'm tired and i'm scared and i'm fucking depressed and i just don't know what to do anymore. it's really hard to be optimistic when i'm fucking 25-years-old and already i'm facing possible vision loss. ever since i was old enough to understand how serious a condition diabetes is, my greatest fear has been losing my vision. this is why i've always, ALWAYS taken care of myself and managed my diabetes and have done everything my doctor's have told me to do. and look where i am...at 25. i have to wonder what the quality of my life is going to be like in ten years...hell, even 5 years worries me at this point. yeah, yeah, yeah i should be thankful for what i have right now...but you know what? when this happened late monday night and i freaked out and cried myself to sleep, i realized that i have no one. and that's a really shitty feeling.
i don't want this depression to consume me or destroy me; i don't want to be the person i was 10 years ago all over again...those were bad times but i'm honestly afraid that i'm facing even worse with the approaching new year.