- such a good actress, hiding all her pain, trading in memories for fortune and fame -

[hells_be11s]

I got so drunk last night. I don't really remember all that much. I remember sitting in stick and twist and drinking vodka and red bull. Then the bassment opened so we went in to rock of ages...there was just me kirst and adam. Adam got them to play "our" song. That was pretty cool and they played maiden and guns n roses. And i just got more and more drunk...and it all becomes kinda hazy until they played this song. Poison - fallen angel. I havent heard that song for years. I was just sat there in shock because the first time i ever all these memories just kind of came flooding back of when i was little. My mum used to play me that song and call me "mama's fallen angel". I must have been about 4 years old. And i just remember her calling me that and my dad saying something about how it wasnt fair that she didnt love me. But she must have done when i was born..otherwise she wouldnt have called me that right? so what happened when i was little that made her stop loving me? I've thought about asking her today but she was being moody. I got turfed out of the living room. So i just kinda sat on the stairs for ages trying to get rid of my hangover. Have nowhere to go. I dont know whether that i feel better or worse for remembering. I really loved that song aswell...its got a great guitar solo and the chorus sends shivers up and down my spine. I dont remember much after that song...dont know how i got home...taxi i presume. I didnt pull but somehow that doesnt matter today. Nothing like that seems to matter anymore. I'll find someone someday. Somewhere is the person im supposed to fall in love with. And thats kind of reassuring. Although im not quite sure why ive suddenly decided to think that. *confused* That one song has changed my perspective on everything. Just the same as one day i will know what happened to stop susie loving me. And i wont have the hide the pain. I think im going to go back to annie. I need to talk. I've kept it all in far too long and there is so much that people dont know, even ben. And everyone keeps saying i can talk to them. But i cant. Its not that i dont trust them...i just cant. there is only one person i reckon i could tell anything to and he wouldnt judge me. But before i can be honest with anyone i need to be honest with myself. And that means i have to start forgiving myself. Before anyone can love me i have to do this. But i dont think the pain will ever go away. but thats okay. I think.

I dont know whether this a positive post or not. I also dont know whether to make it private. But then if i make it private, i dont really feel like i've actually really just got it all out. So welcome to the real me. No more lies.

"win big, mamas fallen angel, lose big, living out her lies, wants it all, mamas fallen angel, lose it all, rolling the dice of her life. "