I've never told a lie, and that makes me a lier. I've never made a bet but i gamble with desire..
Holy crap, its been 85 weeks since I've updated this. it's crazy how things change and what was imporatant doesn't seem so relevant anymore. I am honestly not happy anymore. I thought I knew who I was. I thought I was finally happy, and changed for the better. This year I really did feel like everything was falling into place now its falling apart. I don't know what to do with my self. It seriously is true, when one thing falls apart everything does. I was really falling in love. Im not kidding I don't know what it was. Completely opposite from me, but he made me happy. He broke me out of my shell I think? He just balanced me, made me feel kind of free. It was liberating. I let my guard down for the first time ever, and it got me no where. the whole reason i was never a relationship girl was because of this. and it sucks I wanted it too work. I undersatnd not everything can, but I see him and I just feel like its not the end? Does that make sense? Its crazy, Im such a control person, for the first time I wasn't in control with the boy. that scared me, but i liked it. honestly, he did to me what i do to boys all the time & i will seriously never treat someone like that again. I learned my lesson. But its hard? when things are good. they are GOOD and when they are bad.. its just bad. you know when its bad its not good for you but you just over look it. I overlooked it. It was always "Oh theyre are good days". Fuck that. There are no good days. My sister pushed me out of her life, but maybe I pushed her away too. I wake up and I am never happy with myself. Its crazy I use to love my body I hate it. I stress over food all day. Telling myself oh you'll lose weight if you do this.. but just thinking about how to aviod food all day makes it worse. Ive been extremely sick. Cheering? I don't know waht happened that was something I was so confident about now I lose that too. I don't believe everything happens for a reason so I dont know why im so unhappy. I want to strive to be better, but im too bizy fucking drowning in my pity. I seriously had a panic at the dentist today. Total hyperventalating fetal postition on the chair. the whole works. another way to fucking embarrass myself.