It doesn't feel right.
I have been kind of throwing out into the universe some questions and some replays of my life. I'm hoping something will be thrown back to me that will make me go, "Aha! This is what I'm supposed to do."
The question at large (is that a saying?) is this, in a nut shell:
For my future, do I work as hard as I can and not be very happy while doing it, but work until I reach my goals, but take the risk of maybe not getting what I want and being unsatisfied but at the end of the day I can at least say I tried, or,
do I go off and live a quiet, healthy lifestyle that isn't full of crap?
I feel that my strengths to make the world better lie (lay?) in first entertainment. Where I can start is by becoming well known in this business. I am powerless without my strengths, so I feel I need to utilize them to my fullest potential. From there, I feel like the world could be full of non stop offers to help.
But to get there, it gets a bit muddy.
For instance, I love the magazine, Vogue. My family got me a subscription, and my eyes light up when I see it in the mailbox. When I am done reading it, what I am wishing for is my future, which, after looking through it, makes me want to be wealthy, successful, dripping new clothes, and kind of, well, leading a somewhat materialistic lifestyle. It also makes me anxious, because the thought of aging makes me feel like I only have 8 years to get done what I CAN get done in 'my twenties'. The women you see in Hollywood and Vogue are not older women, and this stresses me out. What happens to these women when they become older? What happens to the Playboy bunnies after they are forced to retire? And to the models? And actresses like Meg Ryan? They are seemingly worthless in the entertainment industry once their appearances start to dwindle. So I'm wondering if I should sign myself up for this beauty rat race now, just in case I reach 35 and I go, "SHIT, I didn't do what I could have done". My agent wants me to become a model, as do many other people in Seattle. When I tell them I don't feel...I guess, good enough to do it, they just sort of scoff and say, "And you really think all the models that are out there right now feel GOOD enough to be doing what they are doing?" Which doesn't make me feel better, it makes me feel sad. I understand some of the strengths I carry, but do I want to put myself up for grabs?
Because then I go out to a cabin, and I feel very 'right' out there. It's quiet, it's laid back, it's simple. It's everything a human needs. Except for satisfying the human needs of success. I feel right when I think of my future in a Vogue magazine, and I feel right when I'm jumping off a dock into a lake.
So, do I let the laidback lifestyle go until I've worked my ass off, which, of course, will stress me out and just age me quicker, which is completely unfair, or do I let the materialism and egocentric goals go? I could go save Africa instead of selfishly promoting myself and my future. It just doesn't feel right.
"Yes, I live in L.A. Yes, I'm an actor. Yes, I want fame and lots of money." Saying that outloud feels gross, yet in my mind, if I don't work towards that, I won't feel whole. I am so stupidly competitive. I can't handle it if someone is working harder than me, because I feel I'm letting myself and my goals down.
I suppose really what I want is what any artist wants; freedom to do your art and living off it's paycheck. But before you get that, you need some glory and to create a name for yourself. I am working towards making a name for myself, so I can go do the charitable work and become a philanthropist and do whatever the hell I want to do with my art. I don't necessarily want fame and fortune; I want freedom and to live life as best as possible. And, in my brain, best as possible is working my ass off until I get everything I want and help others do the same.
But should I change my way of thinking? At the end of the day, or the end of 10 years, what will matter? Happiness, or working hard? The balance of two is a little hard to come by. But maybe I can learn to do it with time. The thought of putting myself in compromising situations down in Los Angeles feel very gross to me, but also, very right. Like, yeah, it'll be tough, but if I don't do it, I'll hate myself for it. And I hate myself for hating myself if I don't do it. Some people are so keen on simplistic lifestyles. I guess I'll have to just accept that simple is not who I am?
I looked at agencies models down in L.A.: ALL OF THEM WERE 34-24-34. ALL OF THEM. Now, friends...this is a lie. That measurement has been deemed nearly impossible, and all of a sudden one agency has 20 girls with this impossible measurement? Lies lies lies. I don't want a life of lies. I don't want an agency to have to lie about what or who I am in order for me to work. I want to work because I'm the best at what I do. And this sort of thinking does not go over well in the 'biz'. See, and then I just want to yell, "You can lick my butt, biz!" But the biz is going to give me what I want. And that really sucks. Sell your soul to the devil, Tessa!
34-24-34. You've got to be kidding me. Yeah the fuck right. Or I love the '22' inch waists. Really? Your waist is the size of a dog's neck? Interesting. At my littlest, which was 15/16, I was a 24 inch waist. And those of you who knew be before puberty ended knows how small I was. For God's sake. The poor girls who look at these websites don't know any better and don't know people stretch the truth and this is why eating disorders happen. I mean I guess we all know that but...ew. Do I want to subject myself to this bullshit?
Yeah, I do. Cause it's the only way I'll be able to live with myself at the end of the day. If something is easy, you're probably not doing it right.
But I've been researching a lot of religions and ways of life, and Taoism grasped my attention. I picked up two books (The Tao of Pooh is adorable and a quick read-it takes you on a journey comparing Taoism to Pooh Bear and his friends) and it seems to be the best way to live your life. But it also seems somewhat improbable to make this sort of life happen in America. And the way out of America is money. And the way for me to get money is to be the best at what I do. And that includes Hollywood. Convoluted path towards nirvana, isn't it.
If I get the wealth of money and flexibility I want, I can help my family for the rest of their lives, start all the charities I've always wanted to start, travel, move to Europe to get out of this dwindling country, and do whatever I want. 'I'll take everything in this life'. The only road to that is a rough and rocky road. But I've been preparing for the journey for 4 years. And off I got on my last pit stop before the rocky path, to Hong Kong, where I will make the money I need to start my journey.
The people that move to LA and stick around are also the sort of people that make a little vomit upchuck into my mouth.
I don't know if what I am doing is right or healthy, but at least I'm going to do it, and I can change my mind later instead of wondering if I should have tried it. At the end of every day, if I can say to myself I did everything I needed to get done today for my short and long term future, then I sleep soundly. I have expected of myself since I was small a life of greatness and complexities. I have made myself very different from most other young adults, so the things that I have already started to accomplish...God, I really don't know. I'm confusing myself. I typed it out, so Universe...is this right? Am I doing what is right for me? I am, aren't I?
September and October always bring answers. I love Fall. I leave in 5 weeks.
The question at large (is that a saying?) is this, in a nut shell:
For my future, do I work as hard as I can and not be very happy while doing it, but work until I reach my goals, but take the risk of maybe not getting what I want and being unsatisfied but at the end of the day I can at least say I tried, or,
do I go off and live a quiet, healthy lifestyle that isn't full of crap?
I feel that my strengths to make the world better lie (lay?) in first entertainment. Where I can start is by becoming well known in this business. I am powerless without my strengths, so I feel I need to utilize them to my fullest potential. From there, I feel like the world could be full of non stop offers to help.
But to get there, it gets a bit muddy.
For instance, I love the magazine, Vogue. My family got me a subscription, and my eyes light up when I see it in the mailbox. When I am done reading it, what I am wishing for is my future, which, after looking through it, makes me want to be wealthy, successful, dripping new clothes, and kind of, well, leading a somewhat materialistic lifestyle. It also makes me anxious, because the thought of aging makes me feel like I only have 8 years to get done what I CAN get done in 'my twenties'. The women you see in Hollywood and Vogue are not older women, and this stresses me out. What happens to these women when they become older? What happens to the Playboy bunnies after they are forced to retire? And to the models? And actresses like Meg Ryan? They are seemingly worthless in the entertainment industry once their appearances start to dwindle. So I'm wondering if I should sign myself up for this beauty rat race now, just in case I reach 35 and I go, "SHIT, I didn't do what I could have done". My agent wants me to become a model, as do many other people in Seattle. When I tell them I don't feel...I guess, good enough to do it, they just sort of scoff and say, "And you really think all the models that are out there right now feel GOOD enough to be doing what they are doing?" Which doesn't make me feel better, it makes me feel sad. I understand some of the strengths I carry, but do I want to put myself up for grabs?
Because then I go out to a cabin, and I feel very 'right' out there. It's quiet, it's laid back, it's simple. It's everything a human needs. Except for satisfying the human needs of success. I feel right when I think of my future in a Vogue magazine, and I feel right when I'm jumping off a dock into a lake.
So, do I let the laidback lifestyle go until I've worked my ass off, which, of course, will stress me out and just age me quicker, which is completely unfair, or do I let the materialism and egocentric goals go? I could go save Africa instead of selfishly promoting myself and my future. It just doesn't feel right.
"Yes, I live in L.A. Yes, I'm an actor. Yes, I want fame and lots of money." Saying that outloud feels gross, yet in my mind, if I don't work towards that, I won't feel whole. I am so stupidly competitive. I can't handle it if someone is working harder than me, because I feel I'm letting myself and my goals down.
I suppose really what I want is what any artist wants; freedom to do your art and living off it's paycheck. But before you get that, you need some glory and to create a name for yourself. I am working towards making a name for myself, so I can go do the charitable work and become a philanthropist and do whatever the hell I want to do with my art. I don't necessarily want fame and fortune; I want freedom and to live life as best as possible. And, in my brain, best as possible is working my ass off until I get everything I want and help others do the same.
But should I change my way of thinking? At the end of the day, or the end of 10 years, what will matter? Happiness, or working hard? The balance of two is a little hard to come by. But maybe I can learn to do it with time. The thought of putting myself in compromising situations down in Los Angeles feel very gross to me, but also, very right. Like, yeah, it'll be tough, but if I don't do it, I'll hate myself for it. And I hate myself for hating myself if I don't do it. Some people are so keen on simplistic lifestyles. I guess I'll have to just accept that simple is not who I am?
I looked at agencies models down in L.A.: ALL OF THEM WERE 34-24-34. ALL OF THEM. Now, friends...this is a lie. That measurement has been deemed nearly impossible, and all of a sudden one agency has 20 girls with this impossible measurement? Lies lies lies. I don't want a life of lies. I don't want an agency to have to lie about what or who I am in order for me to work. I want to work because I'm the best at what I do. And this sort of thinking does not go over well in the 'biz'. See, and then I just want to yell, "You can lick my butt, biz!" But the biz is going to give me what I want. And that really sucks. Sell your soul to the devil, Tessa!
34-24-34. You've got to be kidding me. Yeah the fuck right. Or I love the '22' inch waists. Really? Your waist is the size of a dog's neck? Interesting. At my littlest, which was 15/16, I was a 24 inch waist. And those of you who knew be before puberty ended knows how small I was. For God's sake. The poor girls who look at these websites don't know any better and don't know people stretch the truth and this is why eating disorders happen. I mean I guess we all know that but...ew. Do I want to subject myself to this bullshit?
Yeah, I do. Cause it's the only way I'll be able to live with myself at the end of the day. If something is easy, you're probably not doing it right.
But I've been researching a lot of religions and ways of life, and Taoism grasped my attention. I picked up two books (The Tao of Pooh is adorable and a quick read-it takes you on a journey comparing Taoism to Pooh Bear and his friends) and it seems to be the best way to live your life. But it also seems somewhat improbable to make this sort of life happen in America. And the way out of America is money. And the way for me to get money is to be the best at what I do. And that includes Hollywood. Convoluted path towards nirvana, isn't it.
If I get the wealth of money and flexibility I want, I can help my family for the rest of their lives, start all the charities I've always wanted to start, travel, move to Europe to get out of this dwindling country, and do whatever I want. 'I'll take everything in this life'. The only road to that is a rough and rocky road. But I've been preparing for the journey for 4 years. And off I got on my last pit stop before the rocky path, to Hong Kong, where I will make the money I need to start my journey.
The people that move to LA and stick around are also the sort of people that make a little vomit upchuck into my mouth.
I don't know if what I am doing is right or healthy, but at least I'm going to do it, and I can change my mind later instead of wondering if I should have tried it. At the end of every day, if I can say to myself I did everything I needed to get done today for my short and long term future, then I sleep soundly. I have expected of myself since I was small a life of greatness and complexities. I have made myself very different from most other young adults, so the things that I have already started to accomplish...God, I really don't know. I'm confusing myself. I typed it out, so Universe...is this right? Am I doing what is right for me? I am, aren't I?
September and October always bring answers. I love Fall. I leave in 5 weeks.