(no subject)
he won't even look at me anymore...
i still don't understand what happened and i probably never will. it just hurts so bad, you don't even know. what went wrong? was it something i said? something i did? i can't ever talk to him, but i try so hard. people scoff at me, "with no communication, did you really think you had a chance? you know he has a girlfriend" yes, i know. and she's gorgeous, skinny..everything i'm not.
Eight years. some people don't even stay married for that long. what am i thinking? i'm crazy, insane! this'll never work, my dreams will never come true. we're not friends anymore, i guess "forever" has arrived. psh best friends forever. who buys that crap anyway? nothing lasts forever, not even diamonds, ok? NOTHING. everything, everyone changes. for better or for worse, it happens and it affects everything. mostly, it sucks. i'm not completely oblivious, but i'm not completely pessimistic either. there has to be something, can't we at least stay friends? the answer: no. i know it, he knows, his girlfriends know it, my friends and family know it. even when we were friends, i longed to be so much more. but longing is just as good as wishing--it does nothing. maybe all the stars i wish on are burnt out, or maybe they're actually planets. whatever the case, my wishing isn't working. nothing's working. i go to bed every night hoping that i won't wake up the next morning, i'm not gonna lie. and no, i'm not acting "suicidal" or just ranting. these are my feelings. death is so much easier than life, but how would i know? my dad tells me i'm selfish. the most selfish thing to do is take your own life so it would totally suit me, right? and no, this isn't only because the guy doesn't want me. i've been rejected several times before and i've learned it's nothing to die over. i'm just so sick of this.
i want
a companion
a lover
a best friend
a soulmate
someone to hold me tight and never let go
someone who makes me believe that everything's ok when it's really not
someone to believe in
someone who believes in me
someone who is willing to catch me when i fall
a cheerleader
a mentor
a hero
a shoulder that perfectly cradles my head
a pair of hands to hold
a pair of eyes to gaze longingly into mine
lips to kiss
someone who will throw pebbles at my bedroom window, singing "Believe me, Natalie" at the top of his lungs
hair to run my fingers through
someone who is always there for me, no matter what
a boy
i know my friend have some of these traits, but in a boyfriend they mean so much more. it may seem like i'm way picky and i'm asking way too much, but DAMNIT, i deserve better.
i still don't understand what happened and i probably never will. it just hurts so bad, you don't even know. what went wrong? was it something i said? something i did? i can't ever talk to him, but i try so hard. people scoff at me, "with no communication, did you really think you had a chance? you know he has a girlfriend" yes, i know. and she's gorgeous, skinny..everything i'm not.
Eight years. some people don't even stay married for that long. what am i thinking? i'm crazy, insane! this'll never work, my dreams will never come true. we're not friends anymore, i guess "forever" has arrived. psh best friends forever. who buys that crap anyway? nothing lasts forever, not even diamonds, ok? NOTHING. everything, everyone changes. for better or for worse, it happens and it affects everything. mostly, it sucks. i'm not completely oblivious, but i'm not completely pessimistic either. there has to be something, can't we at least stay friends? the answer: no. i know it, he knows, his girlfriends know it, my friends and family know it. even when we were friends, i longed to be so much more. but longing is just as good as wishing--it does nothing. maybe all the stars i wish on are burnt out, or maybe they're actually planets. whatever the case, my wishing isn't working. nothing's working. i go to bed every night hoping that i won't wake up the next morning, i'm not gonna lie. and no, i'm not acting "suicidal" or just ranting. these are my feelings. death is so much easier than life, but how would i know? my dad tells me i'm selfish. the most selfish thing to do is take your own life so it would totally suit me, right? and no, this isn't only because the guy doesn't want me. i've been rejected several times before and i've learned it's nothing to die over. i'm just so sick of this.
i want
a companion
a lover
a best friend
a soulmate
someone to hold me tight and never let go
someone who makes me believe that everything's ok when it's really not
someone to believe in
someone who believes in me
someone who is willing to catch me when i fall
a cheerleader
a mentor
a hero
a shoulder that perfectly cradles my head
a pair of hands to hold
a pair of eyes to gaze longingly into mine
lips to kiss
someone who will throw pebbles at my bedroom window, singing "Believe me, Natalie" at the top of his lungs
hair to run my fingers through
someone who is always there for me, no matter what
a boy
i know my friend have some of these traits, but in a boyfriend they mean so much more. it may seem like i'm way picky and i'm asking way too much, but DAMNIT, i deserve better.