Damn..
Damn... Its been awhile. Jus tnever had the energy or motivation to write. even Though I know I Should especially if Im sad or mad.. But I just never did.. Alot has happened. I dont really remember exactly though but I do know that Im doing pretty good. Well that cody guy has said hi a few times to me. hes fuckin hot! XD lol But doubt he would ever be interested in me.. Then theres still my situation with Nick. I was pretty much over at kalebs all last weekend. I stayed the night at felecias friday night. I got so drunk! I drank like pretty much a bottle of burnettes to myself lol. I was so drunk I was just like laying on felecia and kaleb and I know I kissed felecia a bunch lol and apparently I also made out with herXD And all this other shit happened.. I dont remember it all but we hung out with Beavis. And it was my first time meeting him. He was pretty cool. But It still hurts me to see felecia around him knowing shes with one of my best friends and continues to cheat on him! They fuckin kissed that day! (I think that was saturday actually) But anyways we just drove around in Beaviss van and then they kissed. But Ill get to saturday in a sec. So Friday was really fun Nick was the only other one drinking with me. And John took a few shots I think. OH AND JORDAN AND JOHN ARE DATING NOW!! She says its really awkward knowing Ive done stuff with him but I cant change that now lol. But Saturday was pretty fun later on we went to kalebs and I had to lie to him telling him we were with alex (which we were for awhile) and stuff like that. I felt pretty bad but Im obligated since felecia is my best friend...But jordan ended up telling Kristie who told Kaleb. So he found out and he got mad at felecia and told her she cant hang out with him anymore but honestly I doubt she will stop. But whatever thats between them three I really shouldnt get too involved in it. But beavis is really nice and felecia thinks she loves him but seriously?! She has one of the best boyfriends! He loves her so much! And he treats her so good! She says he acts differently when its just them two but I dont know. When its just me and him hell just tell me how much he loves that girl and stuff. So I dont know what to think. OH WAIT!! I just remembered! Friday! Was crannberys birthday! HES 18!! he had a party at his housesince his parents were gone. There werent aton of people there but there were some. most of them were doing ex and smoking but Ive been all about the drinking lately. Lee was kinda trying to get with me that night like he has been. But he really seems like a player.. he says hes the opposite but I dont know. I Just know how his brother is. But Crannbery isnt smoking right now even though he just bought a new gas mask!! Which I CANT WAIT to smoke out of! Im gonna be sooo fucked up! So during the week I don't remember too much but Aunt Johnnie and Ingrid left. Kinda glad about that... And then I was kinda sick for a day. But really I was just too tired to get up.. That day when I Woke up TJ was here=) Then we took aunt Johnnie to the airport and then TJ Stayed for a few hours I wanted to do something with him but he didnt really seem to want to. He also said he's not doing the meth anymore. But Ive really wanted to ask him to do it with me.. The way he describes it makes is seem amazing and not that bad of a drug. But im a little hesitant about it. So Im probably gonna wait alittle more... But Today Was a crazy day lol so I fuckin stapled my elbow again!! XD this time my dumbass did it the wrong direction! And it wouldnt come out! It ended up closing in my skin! It hurt really bad and still does lol. but mommy got it out which actually made me cry mostly cus I was scared and mad lol. But we got it out and I worked for like an hour since she picked me up from school early cus of that. And then I went with jordan. and we had aton of fun! we went to drive around until kaleb texted me back, which he never did! And then we went to 7/11 and got a slurpee and we saw daddy there! But we played it off cool so it was all fine. And then we went to her house where her mom gave her a check to put on her account for pants and clothes and stuff. we are gonna go to kohls sometime and ill help her pick out stuff. Then we went to walmart and we tried on swim suites and I stole a hot pink bikini! Its so cute! and she bought one lol. we also saw mommy at walmart! It was weird seeing everyone everywhere! But then we went to the dollar store and I stole silly string, pens, glowsticks, lotion and i think thats it? lol i dont really remember. But then we went to her house and then a little later we left and got pizza and drove around for like an hour. It was really fun. I love jordan! Shes amazing! It seems too good to be true though.. A friend that actually cares about me and seems to want to be around me? me jordan and kristie are probably gonna have a sleepover tomorrow since its friday. I dont really want felecia to come.. She hasnt been the best friend lately. Like yesterday I was talking to her on myspace and she just signed off and left to go to kalebs house didnt even say bye! Or ask if I wanted to come! I dont know if Im being all butt hurt about this but still! I am still passing those notes with livi and i asked her if im overreacting... But kaleb doesnt even answer my texts anymore! I ask if I can come over with jordan or just me and he just doesnt answer! Thats so rude cus I know hes getting the messages! And then today he only answered when i sent him a message just saying kaleb? And he was like hey and I asked if felecia was there yet and he said no. And he didnt know when she was. I think they just dont want me there anymore.. =/ Its made me suicidal again(well more then usual..) Cus I mean seriosuly! If people you consider your best friends and do so much for dont even want you around WHO FUCKIN WILL?!?! NO ONE! So I feel like shit.l And felecia was supposed to text me when she got there cus I wanted to see her and tell kaleb happy birthday in person.. But nope.. But I still had fun with jordan=) But I mean really? after everything I do for felecia!? And kaleb and everyone! I always smoke with them always share everything! and they pretty much just dont want me over there since they probably know I have no money and have no weed.. Whatever.. I dont wanna deal with the drama. Id rather they just fuckin tell me! I just feel so alone.. I dont know what to do anymore! ugh.. Well hopefully Ill start writing more again soon. OH and even crannbery sometimes doesnt even answer me anymore.. All This SHIT! I hate my life sometimes Im seriously considering suicide again.. I want the help cus I dont really want it, or do it? But I know we cant afford it anymore... So ill have to suck it up and just live til my family dies and then hopefully I can just kill myself. I hate to say it but I want it to be soon but not too soon just cus I dont really want them to die, Just me, without hurting them. Fuck, Ive even considered hiring a hit-man TO KILL ME! fuck I cant deal with this. Im about to cry and mommy is sitting at the table with me.. OH and Tay!! I cant fucking talk to her anymore! People at CSS are still talking shit and her mom heard all this shit from a teacher! and now she cant talk to me anymore..='( I cried so hard I couldnt breath and was making myself sick! But we still kinda talk on facebook. But its just so sad.. Cus i mean I dont influence her! I discourage her from doing bad stuff! But theres nothing I can do to change that now.. Oh Well I dont feel like writing anymore!