(no subject)
okay. i need to get everything out of my head. if this doesn't make sense i'm sorry. and i wouldn't even bother reading this if i were you. so stop here. k so i fucking relapsed on saturday night. i was having such a beautiful time at sounds of the underground and i felt infinite and surreal. and i ruined it. one hit and there i go. right back where i ended. i don't ever want to go back to that again. EVER. my mom relapsed a couple days before that and i don't want to tell her but i think that triggered me to use again. because whenever something shitty happens, i usually do something stupid because i don't know how to handle shit. so i didn't tell my mom that i relapsed untill like yesterday...and i just...i don't know. i'm just getting really down on myself and i'm getting into my dark little state of mind where i just don't fucking care about myself. i HATE myself right now, and i've been cutting again, which also is bringing everybody down. i'm addicted to being depressed. and i hate it. i just don't want to try anymore. i want to run away and never come back. i just hurt so bad inside because everything is so fucked up. my mind is constantly racing because of all this shit that's going on and it's hard for me to have fun but i put on my mask. i just really need to vent and let my words flow but yeah. i need to cut deeper but it's hard because i don't want to die but i just want a lot of blood. i want to make bracelets around my arms with a razor. i want to cut all my fingers off. i don't know. i just feel like i need to go somewhere. i have these two really great friends but it's hard to tell them this shit because they get mad at me. they've never had to deal with someone like me, and they shouldn't have to. they don't deserve it. if i actually told someone this stuff in person, i think it would freak the fuck out of them. i just want everything to disapear and come back beautiful. i want to go on a bikeride and fly off the edge of the world. i want to be onstage. i want to let myself go onstage. and just be fucking crazy. i need to go somewhere. i don't know what i'm doing here because i seem to have no idea what the fuck to do. i want to make a cookie-cutter out of my thigh. if you read down this far i'm sorry. i don't want to talk about this. i just need to type it. it takes too long to write in a journal. my hand will start to hurt, then i'll want to wipe my blood all over the page. i feel worthless, like i don't belong anywhere. i just want things to be like they used to be. i want my friends. i want my family. i want my life. i want my kitty. i miss my dad. i miss eddie. i just really want to die right now and go to heaven and just wait for everyone. i want it to be all over. i just want to be with god and he'll fix everything. he'll fix me. he will make me how i'm supposed to be. i need to go somewhere. i just want a bikeride.