*insert generic discontented sigh*
....*worst LJ friend ever*
I don't know. Suppose I don't keep up as much as I should.
I'm doing a lot better, lately..happier.. but still not tip-top. Chase left already, and I'm doing okay with that. I got my first letter from him the other day.
I'm trying to move on now, I won't forget him or stop talking to him, but, I'm letting things go. Yes, I love him... but, I'm alright just being friends now. I just want to have fun and be happy.
Maybe I need to type all this shit out, because I know I'll never tell anyone it involves. Really, I'd been starting to find myself falling for another guy. Not that stupid love bullshit (for christ sakes I'd known him a MONTH) just... unfortunately I did start to like him; I planned on it just being a dangerous attraction... we'd be friends, despite what I wish we never did much more than kiss and such.... but I never wanted to genuinely like him. It never ends good for me and it's generally more pain that it's worth. But a guy that sweet and fun... how could I not ? grr.. and those fucking eyes. I'd drop like a fucking fly from one look. He's probably the only person I've not been able to keep my sarcastic "tough" guard up around.
If looks could kill right ?
Anyway, so yeah, I got REAL fucking sweet on him, and it had been really fucking with my head. I wasn't over Chase and I was really scared of moving on just to be hurt again. Yet, he was still there.
So, finally I started contemplating moving forward... I got really sick for a bit, and I realized when I was delirious with fever... it was the other guy I was thinking about the most. I did a lot of thinking and I finally concluded... Fuck it, I'm going to move on and stop shoving this guy away, I really like him. Yeah, I hadn't heard from him for a few days (he had some ear infection or some shit) ... and when I did... before I'd even had the chance to stop being a pussy and say how I felt... He told me HE had decided that we should just be friends... with the whole "you're not over your ex" line placed in there.
Rather than fight with "...Uh, no, really, I'm moving on" or anything of the type.. I'm just respecting that decision, even if the reason I was given was false. I'm just so easily defeated I can't stand to fight for what I want anymore.
And I'm fairly sure that's not his only reason. So really.. what CAN I do ?
Mostly..it's upsetting because I don't really feel we're even friends; I don't ever hear from him.. and if I reach out first, it's generally just to have my hand slapped away or ignored. aksflk he makes me feel really childlike and stupid..so usually I don't even have the nerve to bother starting a conversation.
haha I'm so stupid.
Despite all that (and Annie things I'm not going to get into) I feel a lot better though.. like this terrible weight .. is not so heavy anymore. I haven't even cried since the last goodbye.. well, alright, I cried after I got the letter... but, it was different.. it wasn't "Oh woe-is-me, i want you back" it was juts.. like the dam holding back all the memories broke and I was flooded. I'm really happy he is where he is, and I wouldn't change it for anything. He's happy, and I'm going to be okay.
Even if we never get back together, I'm not sure I care.. as long as he is always in my life as a friend. Maybe someday I'll find a guy who will stay.. I'd say I'm okay being single.. but, I've never really done well alone. I don't need a whole lot..I'm not looking for a doting relationship... I just want somebody to hold my hand from time-to-time.. to smile at me, to kiss me.. I don't want every minute of someone's time. I don't want some smothering, fiery relationship again that turns quickly into love.
I just want someone every now and then. When they have time for me. I don't want somebody to make me their whole world, I just want somebody who will make me a small part of it.
I want someone who thinks about me, at least.
this is so stupid..
I don't know. Suppose I don't keep up as much as I should.
I'm doing a lot better, lately..happier.. but still not tip-top. Chase left already, and I'm doing okay with that. I got my first letter from him the other day.
I'm trying to move on now, I won't forget him or stop talking to him, but, I'm letting things go. Yes, I love him... but, I'm alright just being friends now. I just want to have fun and be happy.
Maybe I need to type all this shit out, because I know I'll never tell anyone it involves. Really, I'd been starting to find myself falling for another guy. Not that stupid love bullshit (for christ sakes I'd known him a MONTH) just... unfortunately I did start to like him; I planned on it just being a dangerous attraction... we'd be friends, despite what I wish we never did much more than kiss and such.... but I never wanted to genuinely like him. It never ends good for me and it's generally more pain that it's worth. But a guy that sweet and fun... how could I not ? grr.. and those fucking eyes. I'd drop like a fucking fly from one look. He's probably the only person I've not been able to keep my sarcastic "tough" guard up around.
If looks could kill right ?
Anyway, so yeah, I got REAL fucking sweet on him, and it had been really fucking with my head. I wasn't over Chase and I was really scared of moving on just to be hurt again. Yet, he was still there.
So, finally I started contemplating moving forward... I got really sick for a bit, and I realized when I was delirious with fever... it was the other guy I was thinking about the most. I did a lot of thinking and I finally concluded... Fuck it, I'm going to move on and stop shoving this guy away, I really like him. Yeah, I hadn't heard from him for a few days (he had some ear infection or some shit) ... and when I did... before I'd even had the chance to stop being a pussy and say how I felt... He told me HE had decided that we should just be friends... with the whole "you're not over your ex" line placed in there.
Rather than fight with "...Uh, no, really, I'm moving on" or anything of the type.. I'm just respecting that decision, even if the reason I was given was false. I'm just so easily defeated I can't stand to fight for what I want anymore.
And I'm fairly sure that's not his only reason. So really.. what CAN I do ?
Mostly..it's upsetting because I don't really feel we're even friends; I don't ever hear from him.. and if I reach out first, it's generally just to have my hand slapped away or ignored. aksflk he makes me feel really childlike and stupid..so usually I don't even have the nerve to bother starting a conversation.
haha I'm so stupid.
Despite all that (and Annie things I'm not going to get into) I feel a lot better though.. like this terrible weight .. is not so heavy anymore. I haven't even cried since the last goodbye.. well, alright, I cried after I got the letter... but, it was different.. it wasn't "Oh woe-is-me, i want you back" it was juts.. like the dam holding back all the memories broke and I was flooded. I'm really happy he is where he is, and I wouldn't change it for anything. He's happy, and I'm going to be okay.
Even if we never get back together, I'm not sure I care.. as long as he is always in my life as a friend. Maybe someday I'll find a guy who will stay.. I'd say I'm okay being single.. but, I've never really done well alone. I don't need a whole lot..I'm not looking for a doting relationship... I just want somebody to hold my hand from time-to-time.. to smile at me, to kiss me.. I don't want every minute of someone's time. I don't want some smothering, fiery relationship again that turns quickly into love.
I just want someone every now and then. When they have time for me. I don't want somebody to make me their whole world, I just want somebody who will make me a small part of it.
I want someone who thinks about me, at least.
this is so stupid..