FIC: The Road I'm On
Title: The Road I'm On
Fandom: X-Men comics
Rating: G
Word Count: 825
Character(s)/Pairing(s): Sage (Tessa Niles), Professor X (Charles Xavier)
Continuity: First part is set in the earliest days of the X-Men and the second takes place during X-Treme X-Men #23.
Summary: Xavier contemplates one of his earliest and most unique students and how his actions and decisions have affected her over the years.
Disclaimer: Characters mentioned are used without permission and are trademarks of Marvel Characters, Inc. I do not own them and am simply borrowing for my purposes. Please don't sue.
For risty77.
(Cross-posted to _fanfics_, beyondX, xfiction)
She's young. So very young. Far too young for him to ask this of her. Far too young to understand why he is asking this of her. But she does. She understands more than a girl her age should. She understands more than most ever will. He wishes she didn't but she does. It's her gift. It's her curse. It's what makes her special.
And it's a large part of what makes her absolutely perfect for this. He knows it's incredibly unfair of him to even ask such a thing of her, but he does. He wishes he didn't have to, but he reminds himself it's for the dream. For a better world. Everything he does is. Even this. And that will have to be enough. For both of them.
Because what he asks of her-- she will have nothing else to hold on to. Nothing else to fall back on. Nothing at all. He wouldn't ask anybody else, he can hardly believe he's asked her. But he knows she's the only one for the job. He knows she will succeed where others have failed. He knows that she will do what no one else can.
And he knows she will never ask him why. She'll never have to because she already knows all the answers he would give. All the answers he can give. She knows far more than she should. Far more than anyone should, especially about matters such as these. But she's seen too much. Done too much. And she knows that too.
She knows she can't be like the others. He wishes she could but she can't. Even at her young age, it is too late for her. She is already too far gone. She is already too many irredeemable things. Too many things that don't match up with the image he wants-- no, needs to create. For the greater good. For the dream.
She will suffer for what she does in his name. He knows she will. And he wishes, more than the rest, that he could prevent it from coming to pass. She's already been through more than enough; she shouldn't have to endure anything more. Especially from him. He doesn't deserve her. And she... she doesn't deserve this.
He wishes he could save her. From him. From herself. From the world. From any more pain. From everything. He wishes a great many things for her, none of which will ever come to pass. But he wishes for her, and will continue to do so, because it is all that he can do. He has damned her name once more. And she has accepted it.
"You're willing to believe the worst of me. What I do, Sage, is for the greatest good."
"I remember all your good intentions, Charles. And I've walked the road to Hell with which they're paved."
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She's right. She's almost always right. And she knows it. She is so different from the young girl she once was. But it's a different without being different at all. She still knows far too much for her own good. For any of their goods. She still understands him in ways no one else, not even his closest students ever have-- or ever will.
But she's not a little girl any more. And she is not his soldier anymore. She has found her own way and (although it hurts the part of him that believes constant vigilance is the only way to keep up the fight for his dream) he is proud. He never really doubted her; she has proved herself to him hundreds of times over.
Of course, none of that really matters. The truth (something he's never been as fond of as he'd have people believe) of the matter is, he's lost her. No. That would imply that he had her, at one point. She might've fought in his war but he knows better. She was his soldier when she needed direction. She fought his fight when she had none to fight for herself.
Now she fights someone else's fight. And, for the first time since he's known her, he wishes things could have been different. She's always known him. Always understood him. Even in ways he doesn't know or understand himself. But he has never really known her. Understood her. That's where he has always failed his students. All of them.
Perhaps, he thinks, it might not be too late. But he knows better. It's been too late for far too long. He's far too old to change. She's far too tired to try. They are far too different to make it work. He has failed her and she has moved on. There is nothing more he can do for her, not in this life. But he is proud of her. She's earned at least that from him.
He hopes she knows it, too. He thinks she probably does. She's always known far too much for her own good.