the subject is christmas and confusion.
it's already christmas eve and i don't think i've heard one christmas song, watched one christmas movie, or decorated anything at all. how did it go so fast without me?
it's so different this year. my mom and dad let me come with them christmas shopping, and i basically picked out what i wanted and that's what i'm getting. no surprises anymore. i honestly don't see the point in them even wrapping everything, because it's not like i'm going to open anything unexpected. basically it was a few little things here and there, a nice black ridiculously expensive dooney & bourke bag, and a similarly priced bottle of chanel perfume (i live for chanel). i really needed a nice black bag, the corporate world may not be so impressed by my bright raspberry coach tote or anything betsey johnson could conjure up...normally i'm not the most conservative, but i find myself becoming that way more and more as i go to interviews and find out about jobs. welcome to the world of calvin klein and diane von furstenburg wrap dresses. i have no problem dressing in suits or keeping in minimal, in fact, it's sort of refreshing and makes me feel like a grown-up....but, when will there be time for my quirky eclectic side? the weekends? that's lame.
***
he called me unexpectedly..."i miss you. i want to see you. come down?" i agreed. i never expected this, since last time we hung out, it was amazing, and i thought a few days later that i would tell him how i felt, only to be rejected completely and totally humiliated. and yet, in the back of my mind, i did feel like he was saying it to cover his ass, that he really felt the same way but just wanted to shut me out to keep his life in order. when we spent time together the last time, there was no question that the chemistry was there. no such thing as awkward silence, and we laughed genuinely about everything. i'm a dork, and i made him play "war" with me, and we sat opposite each other with our legs making the shape of a diamond. he commented on how my end of the diamond made it so that the shape was asymetrical. i apologized for that. he left, and we hugged and as i watched him walk to his car, i felt so tingly, like the feeling you get when you are slow dancing with someone in middle school on friday night. i thought, "wow, there's no pressure about sex, there's no pressure about talking because it just works. this is what i want."
but the other night it was the first time we have ever kissed. we stood in the cul-de-sac, it was 4 in the morning, the cold was starting to sting, and all you could hear was complete silence. we walked a bit, and he stopped short.
"look, i really want to kiss you right now."
me: "what?"
"i really do, and i want you to kiss me back."
is that not from the movies? we talked. how can this happen? he's in no postion to be thinking about me, and although i'm single, i feel that my freedoms are restricted in a way that i just cannot be interfering with this. but i want it so bad. and this time i just want it to work. it was an amazing kiss. it was not forced; it was perfect. so what now?
it's so different this year. my mom and dad let me come with them christmas shopping, and i basically picked out what i wanted and that's what i'm getting. no surprises anymore. i honestly don't see the point in them even wrapping everything, because it's not like i'm going to open anything unexpected. basically it was a few little things here and there, a nice black ridiculously expensive dooney & bourke bag, and a similarly priced bottle of chanel perfume (i live for chanel). i really needed a nice black bag, the corporate world may not be so impressed by my bright raspberry coach tote or anything betsey johnson could conjure up...normally i'm not the most conservative, but i find myself becoming that way more and more as i go to interviews and find out about jobs. welcome to the world of calvin klein and diane von furstenburg wrap dresses. i have no problem dressing in suits or keeping in minimal, in fact, it's sort of refreshing and makes me feel like a grown-up....but, when will there be time for my quirky eclectic side? the weekends? that's lame.
***
he called me unexpectedly..."i miss you. i want to see you. come down?" i agreed. i never expected this, since last time we hung out, it was amazing, and i thought a few days later that i would tell him how i felt, only to be rejected completely and totally humiliated. and yet, in the back of my mind, i did feel like he was saying it to cover his ass, that he really felt the same way but just wanted to shut me out to keep his life in order. when we spent time together the last time, there was no question that the chemistry was there. no such thing as awkward silence, and we laughed genuinely about everything. i'm a dork, and i made him play "war" with me, and we sat opposite each other with our legs making the shape of a diamond. he commented on how my end of the diamond made it so that the shape was asymetrical. i apologized for that. he left, and we hugged and as i watched him walk to his car, i felt so tingly, like the feeling you get when you are slow dancing with someone in middle school on friday night. i thought, "wow, there's no pressure about sex, there's no pressure about talking because it just works. this is what i want."
but the other night it was the first time we have ever kissed. we stood in the cul-de-sac, it was 4 in the morning, the cold was starting to sting, and all you could hear was complete silence. we walked a bit, and he stopped short.
"look, i really want to kiss you right now."
me: "what?"
"i really do, and i want you to kiss me back."
is that not from the movies? we talked. how can this happen? he's in no postion to be thinking about me, and although i'm single, i feel that my freedoms are restricted in a way that i just cannot be interfering with this. but i want it so bad. and this time i just want it to work. it was an amazing kiss. it was not forced; it was perfect. so what now?