the proximity
jonathan sy and i were having an overdue conversation online one day over christmas break, the same day we made spontaneous plans to have a nerd day and go to a decked out japanese arcade in little tokyo. basically, we discussed the frustration of putting out more effort in a friendship or relationship, and not being equally reciprocated.
it seems like this is a common theme in my best friends' lives. jonathan, nancy, cory. the three of them shared their angst in getting the short straw with their friends, and feel like with the amount of love and care they are showing, they at least deserve a nod in their direction. i can't lie in saying that i do not feel the same way a handful of times. this past weekend was a fine example of that. i have convinced myself that i am allowed to go through cycles of anger and peace several times a month. that's just who i am. i can be extremely content with the way i am leading my life, yet on a random weekend be totally frustrated with the decisions or direction my life is going.
last night was a rough night for cory. he was going through an angry moment. the coincidental thing about our friendship is that we tend to go through the frustrations at different points. when i am angry he helps me out, and vice versa. now i was debating how to approach a consolation. all i could do is sit there and think through all the possible ways of dealing with the situation, and cory called me out on it. with his back turned to me, he predicted that i was probably sitting there, silently thinking about the situation with that look on my face, and just listening. apparently, the difference between him and me is that my listening skills are unmatchable.
in the end, after much hesitation and inner quandary, i decided proximity was my way of calming down the frustration, so i crawled into his bed next to him and just laid there, back to back. i didn't have to say a word; i figured he just wanted someone close to him, as awkward a picture it painted for those that would walk in to the room. bosse cooed at us as he walked into his room. what cory wanted was someone to return the love, and when i stayed over in his room that night, it was my way of showing it.
i won't deny that i have had my shares of wishing someone would do the same for me. not just anyone, but the ones that matter. and 99 out of 100 times, it doesn't happen. but i guess one can hope, right? hope. what is life without hope? if you have nothing to stand for, what do you have to live for? regardless of whether or not i do not receive the amount of love that i give, there's no point in cutting someone short.
sometimes, i guess i just gotta forget all stigmas and just go for it. it's a common problem i keep facing: hesitation. there are things i just need to have faith in. i need to believe that my actions are for a greater good, and second-guessing myself only hurts myself and others. i need to expose more of myself, to let others in, to give others a window into my being.
i'm learning to stop being an non-opinionated person. nancy forced me into it during a movie night that didn't go as planned. i'm learning to be more honest with the people that can handle it. in being honest with people, i am being honest with myself.
it seems like this is a common theme in my best friends' lives. jonathan, nancy, cory. the three of them shared their angst in getting the short straw with their friends, and feel like with the amount of love and care they are showing, they at least deserve a nod in their direction. i can't lie in saying that i do not feel the same way a handful of times. this past weekend was a fine example of that. i have convinced myself that i am allowed to go through cycles of anger and peace several times a month. that's just who i am. i can be extremely content with the way i am leading my life, yet on a random weekend be totally frustrated with the decisions or direction my life is going.
last night was a rough night for cory. he was going through an angry moment. the coincidental thing about our friendship is that we tend to go through the frustrations at different points. when i am angry he helps me out, and vice versa. now i was debating how to approach a consolation. all i could do is sit there and think through all the possible ways of dealing with the situation, and cory called me out on it. with his back turned to me, he predicted that i was probably sitting there, silently thinking about the situation with that look on my face, and just listening. apparently, the difference between him and me is that my listening skills are unmatchable.
in the end, after much hesitation and inner quandary, i decided proximity was my way of calming down the frustration, so i crawled into his bed next to him and just laid there, back to back. i didn't have to say a word; i figured he just wanted someone close to him, as awkward a picture it painted for those that would walk in to the room. bosse cooed at us as he walked into his room. what cory wanted was someone to return the love, and when i stayed over in his room that night, it was my way of showing it.
i won't deny that i have had my shares of wishing someone would do the same for me. not just anyone, but the ones that matter. and 99 out of 100 times, it doesn't happen. but i guess one can hope, right? hope. what is life without hope? if you have nothing to stand for, what do you have to live for? regardless of whether or not i do not receive the amount of love that i give, there's no point in cutting someone short.
sometimes, i guess i just gotta forget all stigmas and just go for it. it's a common problem i keep facing: hesitation. there are things i just need to have faith in. i need to believe that my actions are for a greater good, and second-guessing myself only hurts myself and others. i need to expose more of myself, to let others in, to give others a window into my being.
i'm learning to stop being an non-opinionated person. nancy forced me into it during a movie night that didn't go as planned. i'm learning to be more honest with the people that can handle it. in being honest with people, i am being honest with myself.