the paintbrush
i guess now's the time, more than ever, to truly question who you are, or what you are becoming... it seems to be a common trend between the post-collegiate people i know, and those that are reaching that point in their lives.
truth be told, i don't know which direction my life should head at this current time.
i've made some personal discoveries and realizations on my philippine trip, mostly aided by certain questions and anecdotes uncle garry and i shared during our late night talks at cebu, whether they be in his hotel room or the bar across the street, or during the day at the back row of a tour bus or in the restaurant on the ground floor of the hotel.
so what was the harsh reality, john? the fact that my life is too defined by the company i keep: the people i surround myself with.
it's nothing new, really. i take pride in my ability to adapt. i don't know how long it's going to stay on my "about me" in myspace, but i find it an effective way to strive for balance, an effective way of providing others with what they need most, an effective way of keeping life interesting, an effective way of not setting anything in stone...
so what's the issue, john? if it's such an effective way of achieving the goals in life that i value, then why does it pose a problem? i struggle with knowing who i really am anymore. i can't talk about myself, without making direct reference to another person, and another situation.
i copy and paste this poem into journal entries and profiles annually. ever since i've discovered it back in early pathfinder days, i have never forgotten it. it is probably, hands down, my favorite poem. guess the reason i keep coming back to it, is because it applies, no matter where i am in life at the present time:
The Paintbrush
"I keep my paint brush with me
Wherever I may go,
In case I need to cover up
So the real me doesn't show.
I'm so afraid to show you me,
Afraid of what you'll do - that
You might laugh or say mean things.
I'm afraid I might lose you.
I'd like to remove all my paint coats
To show you the real, true me,
But I want you to try and understand,
I need you to accept what you see.
So if you'll be patient and
close your eyes,
I'll strip off all my coats real slow.
Please understand how much it hurts
To let the real me show.
Now my coats are all stripped off.
I feel naked, bare and cold,
And if you still love me with
all that you see,
You are my friend, pure as gold.
I need to save my paint brush,
though, And hold it in my hand,
I want to keep it handy
In case someone doesn't understand.
So please protect me, my dear friend
And thanks for loving me true,
But please let me keep
my paint brush with me
Until I love me, too."
-Betty B. Youngs
in time, i'll figure things out. john's gotta be under there, somewhere. i guess the great thing is, that i'm figuring out who those friends are. and even if they fail me, i know God's there, as cheesy as it sounds, sometimes... but that's one constant i know i can rely on.
so ask me what i'm up to, where life is taking me, how i'm doing, where i stand, and i'll tell you. just know that it probably won't be the same answer in a couple of months, or days even... but that's me. i guess that's what makes my life interesting.
truth be told, i don't know which direction my life should head at this current time.
i've made some personal discoveries and realizations on my philippine trip, mostly aided by certain questions and anecdotes uncle garry and i shared during our late night talks at cebu, whether they be in his hotel room or the bar across the street, or during the day at the back row of a tour bus or in the restaurant on the ground floor of the hotel.
so what was the harsh reality, john? the fact that my life is too defined by the company i keep: the people i surround myself with.
it's nothing new, really. i take pride in my ability to adapt. i don't know how long it's going to stay on my "about me" in myspace, but i find it an effective way to strive for balance, an effective way of providing others with what they need most, an effective way of keeping life interesting, an effective way of not setting anything in stone...
so what's the issue, john? if it's such an effective way of achieving the goals in life that i value, then why does it pose a problem? i struggle with knowing who i really am anymore. i can't talk about myself, without making direct reference to another person, and another situation.
i copy and paste this poem into journal entries and profiles annually. ever since i've discovered it back in early pathfinder days, i have never forgotten it. it is probably, hands down, my favorite poem. guess the reason i keep coming back to it, is because it applies, no matter where i am in life at the present time:
The Paintbrush
"I keep my paint brush with me
Wherever I may go,
In case I need to cover up
So the real me doesn't show.
I'm so afraid to show you me,
Afraid of what you'll do - that
You might laugh or say mean things.
I'm afraid I might lose you.
I'd like to remove all my paint coats
To show you the real, true me,
But I want you to try and understand,
I need you to accept what you see.
So if you'll be patient and
close your eyes,
I'll strip off all my coats real slow.
Please understand how much it hurts
To let the real me show.
Now my coats are all stripped off.
I feel naked, bare and cold,
And if you still love me with
all that you see,
You are my friend, pure as gold.
I need to save my paint brush,
though, And hold it in my hand,
I want to keep it handy
In case someone doesn't understand.
So please protect me, my dear friend
And thanks for loving me true,
But please let me keep
my paint brush with me
Until I love me, too."
-Betty B. Youngs
in time, i'll figure things out. john's gotta be under there, somewhere. i guess the great thing is, that i'm figuring out who those friends are. and even if they fail me, i know God's there, as cheesy as it sounds, sometimes... but that's one constant i know i can rely on.
so ask me what i'm up to, where life is taking me, how i'm doing, where i stand, and i'll tell you. just know that it probably won't be the same answer in a couple of months, or days even... but that's me. i guess that's what makes my life interesting.