the backburner...
melancholy days really stick out like a sore thumb, lately...
good quote, stolen from andy's journal:
"Be courteous to all, but intimate with few, and let those few be well tried before you give them your confidence. True friendship is a plant of slow growth, and must undergo and withstand the shocks of adversity before it is entitled to appellation."
-George Washington
i'm gonna pour my heart out here, and just take a risk of sounding melodramatic, depressing, and pathetic...
a struggle that i go through on a regular basis is my characteristic availability and constant sacrifice for those i love...
that's not what i struggle with, however... i love being there for those that need me there, b/c seeing a smile on their faces makes me happy... people deserve to be happy in life...
it's the other edge of the sword that really causes the pain, that causes me to hate who i am sometimes: the desire to get the same in return...
now i know that you should never live life with the desire to receive anything in return for good deeds that you have accomplished... a good person should live righteously, and do good things for the sole purpose of making another's life more successful...
basically, as the proverb says: to "do unto others, as you would have others do unto you..."
so why does it hurt so much, to rarely be on the receiving end of the stick?
story of my life... be the nice guy, who seeks to please others, and whatever that entails... when others need a friend, i'm that friend... if they need advice, a listening ear, a good laugh, a companion, a favor, i'm that guy... and i love doing it... i cannot emphasize that more... "it's what i'm here for" is the phrase that leaves my mouth, every time people show gratitude...
but who's there for me, when i need some advice, a listening ear, a good laugh, a companion, or a favor...? why is it that i feel at a loss, that i'm not able to get the same in return...?
is that too selfish to ask? just some quality time, or acts of service, from the people i love?
it's all too familiar... i hate to sound like i'm comparing myself to Jesus here, but it's a tough feeling, giving love unconditionally, but feeling like you're not receiving it in return... knowing that you're making yourself available, and all they have to do is accept your gift... i'm very guilty of it as well... i go to Him when i'm hurting, but put Him on the backburner when things are going my way, and life is good...
the backburner... i'm thrown on the backburner... everyone has a consistent scene they can return to, when things are going great... everyone but me, it seems... where is my safehaven, where i can be myself, around the people i love?
i've always dealt with these thoughts with quick fixes... "john, remember the good times that made you smile... john, stop beating yourself up; you're in a good place... john, people DO care; stop being so hard on yourself..." i focus on the good times, and the "here and now," remembering that each day in itself is special, and i smile, and any negative thoughts vanish...
the problem with quick fixes, is that the same destructive thoughts keep coming back... i need longterm fixes here... ones that won't result in consistent disappointment and grief... a friend tells me that i need to start re-evaluating some friendships, and whether or not it's worth investing that much effort for... basically, harden my heart, and discard destructive friendships... go through the "shocks of adversity," as good ol' george says...
that'll never happen... i would never diminish a friendship over this issue... it would just lessen the concern and care i shed for them... i care; i care a lot...
oh, how i seek a longterm fix... until then, i guess i'll have to settle for the "here and now" philosophy and smile once again... i don't wanna hate who i am...
good quote, stolen from andy's journal:
"Be courteous to all, but intimate with few, and let those few be well tried before you give them your confidence. True friendship is a plant of slow growth, and must undergo and withstand the shocks of adversity before it is entitled to appellation."
-George Washington
i'm gonna pour my heart out here, and just take a risk of sounding melodramatic, depressing, and pathetic...
a struggle that i go through on a regular basis is my characteristic availability and constant sacrifice for those i love...
that's not what i struggle with, however... i love being there for those that need me there, b/c seeing a smile on their faces makes me happy... people deserve to be happy in life...
it's the other edge of the sword that really causes the pain, that causes me to hate who i am sometimes: the desire to get the same in return...
now i know that you should never live life with the desire to receive anything in return for good deeds that you have accomplished... a good person should live righteously, and do good things for the sole purpose of making another's life more successful...
basically, as the proverb says: to "do unto others, as you would have others do unto you..."
so why does it hurt so much, to rarely be on the receiving end of the stick?
story of my life... be the nice guy, who seeks to please others, and whatever that entails... when others need a friend, i'm that friend... if they need advice, a listening ear, a good laugh, a companion, a favor, i'm that guy... and i love doing it... i cannot emphasize that more... "it's what i'm here for" is the phrase that leaves my mouth, every time people show gratitude...
but who's there for me, when i need some advice, a listening ear, a good laugh, a companion, or a favor...? why is it that i feel at a loss, that i'm not able to get the same in return...?
is that too selfish to ask? just some quality time, or acts of service, from the people i love?
it's all too familiar... i hate to sound like i'm comparing myself to Jesus here, but it's a tough feeling, giving love unconditionally, but feeling like you're not receiving it in return... knowing that you're making yourself available, and all they have to do is accept your gift... i'm very guilty of it as well... i go to Him when i'm hurting, but put Him on the backburner when things are going my way, and life is good...
the backburner... i'm thrown on the backburner... everyone has a consistent scene they can return to, when things are going great... everyone but me, it seems... where is my safehaven, where i can be myself, around the people i love?
i've always dealt with these thoughts with quick fixes... "john, remember the good times that made you smile... john, stop beating yourself up; you're in a good place... john, people DO care; stop being so hard on yourself..." i focus on the good times, and the "here and now," remembering that each day in itself is special, and i smile, and any negative thoughts vanish...
the problem with quick fixes, is that the same destructive thoughts keep coming back... i need longterm fixes here... ones that won't result in consistent disappointment and grief... a friend tells me that i need to start re-evaluating some friendships, and whether or not it's worth investing that much effort for... basically, harden my heart, and discard destructive friendships... go through the "shocks of adversity," as good ol' george says...
that'll never happen... i would never diminish a friendship over this issue... it would just lessen the concern and care i shed for them... i care; i care a lot...
oh, how i seek a longterm fix... until then, i guess i'll have to settle for the "here and now" philosophy and smile once again... i don't wanna hate who i am...