what if i ripped your heart apart at the seems, maybe then you'd know how i feel.
im tired. warn out and fed up. with myself. im simply disappointing. constantly contradicting myself. hoping for something that will never be. but today was quite exhilarating. i love the mountains. they set my mind to a different state. which is nice. someone talked to him and told him something i said. jealousy is definitely over rated. and i shouldnt have told him thinking no words would be exchanged. but no worries. im not mad. just akwardly uncomfortable. simply because he asked me if i was jealous of her. and i wont lie. i am. and have no clue why. because i dont like him anymore. or at least dont think i do. i tried to change the subject, but that didnt work too well. and of course he explained that hed always be an option, but he wont practice celebasy for me. though its funny how i never asked him to. i hope it doesnt seem like i have feelings for him. hes a great friend, but absolutely nothing more. this has been carrying on for months. and i dont know how to get it through his stubborn head that his feelings are different then mine. i care for him, but as a friend. apparently, hes experiencing love. and its quite flattering and..tempting. ive never had a boy treat me right, most only wanting one thing. but hes different. but whos to say others arent too? i know they are, which is why i dont jump at my first chance. hes a great guy, but better off with someone else. not me. im really not as great as he thinks. though he does think im an alcoholic. and how is that capable at the age of 16. he thinks it is. and that i need to eat. and blah blah. im scared of committment and rejection. and so many other things. ive never been a girlfriend. so how does anyone expect me to be one? maybe someday ill learn. im starting to learn that patience is a virtue. and i need to wait, and not try for every single option i have. rather good or bad. but progress is being made. slowly but surely. hopefully it will come soon.