without a passing glance. without the slightest sigh. without the softest cry.
my hands smell of the left over glaze from dunkin donuts. the toffee cigarettes are amazing. the cool air filled my lungs, helped me to exhale the bad thoughts. cleanse my insides of negativity. return my brain to a serene state of mind. for those few moments. where it felt as if i was a child again. like i had no cares. just the calm snow. the out-reaching branches. holding my lone hand. laughing the bad out of my system. slipping and sliding on lost hope. under the never ending sky. and for that mallory jane hooper, i thank you. even though hurt tried to break through. crush my heart. it didnt. im not sure why. but because of that, i am happy. the mountains are more beautiful then i ever decided to imagine. i must visit again soon. ive realized (thanks to helpful words from a very helpful person) that i cant expect to be naive to love. i must let it happen. not plan it out, as a strict schedule. but let my heart run free. not guard it with incredible security. i must open the gates to let fear free. i do long for a boyfriend. and i need to stop. stop holding myself back from something that could turn around. turn around and express a beautiful love. instead of a stereotypical ideal that my distraught mind has created. almost like a frankenstein. though sometimes he does still wander through my mind. without knocking. without knowing. strange how this occurs when alcohol infests my body. the lovely taste of beer tends to change my thoughts on him. yet when i wake up, sober again, it is the exact opposite. but those few beers did help tonight. they always do. until i open my eyes to a world all the same. only admirable when drunk. but i dont mind. i like the feeling of being loved. of being important. making an impact on anothers life. but in the overall scenario, he is not best. and never will be. and i hope to someday find that boy. but for now, i will be patient. like standing in the cold corner. awaiting that special someone to take my hand for a dance. just this time, a dance around the world. teach me a move ive never done before. dance until our feet can no longer move. and truthfully, i cant wait. but patience is a virtue, and i must realize that.