Reverie
I've been looking back at my past entries and it is incredibly hard to imagine those were proses I wrote. It was as if for each different entry I was a different person at a different point in time. I've found little notes tucked away in my phone or around my table, little sentences of my thoughts and feelings. I don't recognize those words. Some nights I sit still for hours even though sleep threatens to take me away, just because I feel something urgently burgeoning within me, yet I just can't translate it into words. I am 20. I feel terribly young, with many horrors and surprises that await me. Yet I feel that I've grown and come to understand so much within the past year. It was tiring, so I felt like taking an eternal nap. It was a dank time where my prized sunshine eluded me. I've always been grateful. But there was nothing then I could clasp my hands and give thanks for. It was tough when all the rocks come crashing all at once. But I've had warm voices that tell me that bad days can't last forever. The bad days took a long time to pass. Maybe they haven't but I don't care anymore. I don't regret any of the suffocating sadness and anguish. I am braver and stronger than I thought. So I am thankful for all that has happened, it gave me another dimension as a person. I'll just breathe deeper and excavate a little genuine smile when things get toilsome.
I'm at some vantage point in my life where I can see things a little clearer. My parents are undeniably getting older. I'm secretly afraid of things I don't even know about. I'm stubborn. I love him fiercely. I have a bunch of chums who love me. I think a small good thing supersedes a basket of bad ones. I carry unnecessary sadness and burdens. Everything does happen for a reason. Some things are the reasons why other things happen. There are people, films, books, music, epiphanies and experiences waiting for me. I will not spend a lifetime trying to make my life perfect. I've come to understand how imperfection makes something perfect. I don't want to be in a paper chase all my life and beat myself up so hard when I don't get the papers others want. A representative of perfect but useless papers. I will walk into my coffin knowing my life was a crumpled, blemished, but colorful and meaningful piece of messy origami. I will be okay. We all will. We have nothing to lose, and so many things are waiting to be found.
I'm at some vantage point in my life where I can see things a little clearer. My parents are undeniably getting older. I'm secretly afraid of things I don't even know about. I'm stubborn. I love him fiercely. I have a bunch of chums who love me. I think a small good thing supersedes a basket of bad ones. I carry unnecessary sadness and burdens. Everything does happen for a reason. Some things are the reasons why other things happen. There are people, films, books, music, epiphanies and experiences waiting for me. I will not spend a lifetime trying to make my life perfect. I've come to understand how imperfection makes something perfect. I don't want to be in a paper chase all my life and beat myself up so hard when I don't get the papers others want. A representative of perfect but useless papers. I will walk into my coffin knowing my life was a crumpled, blemished, but colorful and meaningful piece of messy origami. I will be okay. We all will. We have nothing to lose, and so many things are waiting to be found.