(no subject)
I wish sometimes I could just roll myself into a ball and disappear. It's cowardly, but sometimes its all that I know how to do. fade away until there's nothing left and I don't have to feel or think or function.just do and be nothing.
it won't happen of course but I can fantasize about taking a bath and the water being so hot it melts me and I flow down the drain, part of the water. Just gone.
I'm here again. riding the line between functional and manic. not able to tell what's me and what's this parasitic disease I carry around under the surface.
I don't know how anyone deals with me. Who am I really? this vicious poison spewing from me. is it really me? is that what I'm really like? Do the drugs just push it down and hide what's really there.I don't know.
I flirt with the idea of dying so no one else has to deal with ne and my issues, but I don't because I want to be the one in my family to succeed. to be the one that beat this disease. But it gets hard. knowing sometimes that I can't really afford the treatment or the drugs. knowing I'm a huge burden. knowing it would be easier if I were gone. Dying is easy. Its living that's hard. So I take it one day at a time. finding something, no matter how small to stay alive for. Push past withdrawal and rage and bitterness and find something good.
Depression is a selfish disease that makes you think only of you. only of your pain and suffering. But I know there is more than me at stake, and it sucks. but its better than being alone and invisible.
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