FUCK.

[hellodesire]

I feel bad neglecting this journal. I need to write more about everything that goes on because it usually makes me feel better. Why do some guys act annoyed when you call and they are with their friends, but treat you oh so great when they are alone? Why do they tell you they love you... when you aren't sure they REALLY do? Why is it that I think I like someone so much I break down and cry everytime I'm ignored? There really is no right answer to any of my questions, I know. But I still wonder. I thought I had the perfect someone, but I don't know how much I can take of the 'calling when I feel like it - oh you didn't answer? I'm mad' attitude. I just... want to get away. I want to move out of this state and move somewhere where I can start everything over. I want to go somewhere with the potential of meeting new friends. I want to have friends. I want to go out and laugh. I want to have pictures and memories with friends. Right now, I have nothing. My mom always says, "you have friends, what about so and so?" No, Mom, they aren't friends, they are acquaintances, I say. It's true. Everyone I know is an acquaintance. I have no true friend. I know it sounds cheesy, and I know I sound like a loser, but I do really want to have friends that are girls that want to go out and look at guys, and take pictures together and get dressed up. I'm going to be 20 in October, and I feel like I'm getting to old to ever make friends and I'm going to be stuck by myself. I'm always alone. I hate crying about being lonely. I hate it. Whenever I say I don't have friends, people say, 'Oh, Sam, I'm your friend!' I just want to say, are you really? How come you never call? Don't think I don't make an effort to hang out, I send tons of texts to my "friends". How many responses do I get? None. I always get treated like I'm a bother. One thing that really made me mad the other day was... my "friend" told me that they were going to Montreal with two of their friends from college. I was like... are you serious? I've been saying since high school that we should go to Canada on a road trip and I was ignored about it. So I was like... what-the-fuck-ever. I just want to be happy for once in my life, and I want to feel like someone actually gives a shit about me. I don't know if that will ever happen, but I can only hope.

♥♥♥

P.S. Do I even have any friends on here anymore?